I’ve lost the last member of my immediate family last year, my grandfather. He was my main paternal figure (parents divorced early on), a vulnerable narcissist (not my diagnosis) and an asshole. He caused 70% of my childhood trauma and, I’m pretty sure, drove my mum into an early grave. He never once helped any of his family members (mum had to literally steal money from his accounts in order to help me out when I was getting out of Uni and was struggling with finding jobs), always expected everyone around him to drop everything and do his every bidding, he LOVED punishing me for failing to respect his ever-shifting double-standards… lovely bloke!
I felt nothing but relief when he died, I felt myself returning to myself as the funeral was progressing, and unbridled freedom when they were done burying his casket. It was actually a bit scary, because I’d never felt like I belonged to myself, not really.
I felt nothing for him as his situation degraded. Nothing but a frustration related to the fact that I knew I’d have to spend half a year pushing papers to finalise the succession process. And I don’t feel bad about it, because he had earnt no respect from me.
My point is that it’s ok to dislike someone who treats you this way, even if they’re your parents. Parenthood does not take precedence over being a decent human being, and it most certainly doesn’t excuse bullshit like what you’ve described. In fact, I’d argue it’s a good sign you dislike them, your psyche is reacting appropriately to their behaviour, it shows you have a moral compass and know that their behaviour was (very, very, very) wrong.
And I wouldn’t worry about not having empathy, either. Wishing someone harm is far from actually doing someone harm. It’s normal for your psyche to want to fight back against its torturers. And I guarantee you that, as soon as you won’t have to fill yourself up with everything related to your situation with your parents (which is a whole damned lot, never doubt it!), you’ll have more space to think of other people.
You are in Survival Mode right now. That’s very different from the standard “just being around, breathing” mode most people employ throughout the day. Your situation is far from “normal”, so the usual standards and considerations don’t even apply. You are allowed to be emotionally drained, you are allowed to have extreme thoughts under extreme circumstances, and the fact that you are this introspective and honest with yourself about the whole deal indicates, to me, that you’re way more functional than your situation would have justified (many, many people have gone postal from way less).
Try to stay as far away from your parents as possible. Don’t interact, don’t pursue dialogue, don’t expect them to change. Just take care of yourself as much as possible, and try to cling to the healthy(er) people you know in your life. Cling to them for dear life if necessary, and be honest with them about your situation.
#lyf