I’m just being silly, but I mean that if everything can be represented as a matrix then there’s a point of view where things like complex numbers are just “names” of specific matrices and the rules that apply to those “names” are just derived from the relevant matrix operations.

Essentially I’m saying that the normal form is an abstract short hand notation of the matrix representation. The matrices are of course significantly harder and more confusing to work with, but in some cases the richness of that structure is very beautiful and insightful.

(I’m particularly in love with the fact one can derive spinors and their transforms purely from the spacetime/Lorentz transforms. It’s a really satisfying exercise and it’s some beautiful algebra/group theory.)

Matrix representations in general, if that counts?

Complex numbers, polynomials, the derivative operator, spinors etc. they’re all matrices. Numbers are just shorthand labels for certain classes of matrices, fight me.

👎

It’s been an absolutely terrible week, I wish I’d worked out what was happening sooner so I didn’t have to face this alone.

That sounds like it was such a hard journey, I’m proud of you for stepping up and taking responsibility for yourself. I definitely understand feeling cursed, I’ve had plenty of nights crying wondering who was controlling me and ruining my life, it’s so hard.

I’ve only once ended up with really intense feelings for someone I wasn’t seeing, and it was pretty rough. I never told them but we’re very close friends now, I’m really glad it worked out, I don’t know what I’d do if I’d been this bad back then.

HRT has definitely felt like I’m redoing my teenage years, everything’s brand new and I’ve no idea how to do so many things anymore. I feel like all the memories of life before HRT belong to someone else, it’s such a bizarre experience and nothing ever prepared me for this.

Thank you for your story, that’s very brave of you to share and it helped me a little.

Oh thanks, that’s a useful insight I didn’t know that about ADHD. I’d read a little saying treating ADHD could relieve BPD but that doesn’t seem to be the case for me haha.

Yeah the AuDHD trans thing is painfully real, it’s me to a T. It’s been really nice having an emotional range that I hadn’t felt since before puberty, but it’s also a big challenge to learn to live this way and to feel so much more vulnerable and fragile.

Thank you for sharing your story, I really appreciate it.

I’m so sorry, the political landscape is absurdly difficult for so many of us right now, we’re all thinking of you down here.

Thank you for sharing and I’m sorry that you’re having such a tough time.

Thanks again, I really appreciate it. I’ve been pretty lucky and my old psychologist had space for another client so I get to resume with someone I already trust and who was there to help me through all my previous relationship trauma. I’m in good hands.

I’ll absolutely be completely honest, I’ve no real reason to hide anything anyway, I’m pretty dedicated to being happy.

Oh I’m booked in with my old therapist as of today, we’ll be starting soon. Thanks for the concern, I’ll be staying with family for a while so I’ll be okay.

And btw hrt has still given me mostly very positive mental changes, as fucked as this has been I don’t regret starting one bit.

When I first started hrt things were more or less totally fine, I was thriving honestly, good times. But then shit started slipping away, I could barely keep up at work and didn’t have enough executive function to relax in any way. I lived like that for a bit over a year, eventually after a long search I got an ADHD diagnosis and started meds, so things have been a lot better. It was definitely a wake up call that mentally stuff was changing a lot more than I’d anticipated.

The suspected BPD is new. I’ve had shitty relationships and stuff in the past, I’ve exhibited a lot of behaviour that I’m now able to manage completely fine thanks to a decent bit of therapy, until recently. It seems I’ve got a very specific trigger, I was mostly able to keep things under control for a long time, but I didn’t get to see my partner for an extended time because he was sick and I couldn’t visit for entirely valid reasons. I stayed a night in an ER under observation, came out feeling better for a bit and started trying to fix myself up. It worked for a while, I was doing a lot better and improving my life, but then there was a perfect storm and it pushed me to a point where I couldn’t recognise that I was making really bad decisions, nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I’ve no idea how to cope with fucking up so badly, I’ve just lost someone that meant a lot to me and now I’m alone and can’t stop my brain. This is totally new, I’ve never ended a relationship while still in love, I’ve never had any fear of abandonment this strong and I’ve never idolised someone to this point. I’ve no clue if it’s from the hrt, purely trauma or something else like the ADHD meds or just stress.

It sucks.

Ah ya beat me to it! I almost shouted “that’s a D class!”

Yeah that’s it lol, I like feeding people.

It’s not really the reason, but she was at least part of what drew me to it, and it’s really funny tbh

I’ve never played PaRappa or Lammy, but I love Milkcan’s one album so damn much, Millenium Girl has never failed to cheer me up, even on my worst days.

I redesigned my entire living room and listened to a lot of Courtney Barnett this week. I don’t really know what to make of anything, I’m just trying to be better than I was.

Starting singing lessons in a couple of days, so hopefully that goes well.

Yuuuup

The reds where I live come to rallies to recruit people into a very cult like group that constantly demands money from it’s members, to sell expensive tickets to meetings and their newspaper, even when we make a point to say no stalls are welcome and to not profit off of our work. They’re very icky and I feel very bad for the students they recruit because they get all the flack for being duped.

Looking at it from a quantum field perspective, pretty much. If the only interactions are through gravity then the underlying field’s evolution can’t be influenced by anything else, I have no real idea what the implications of that would be because we don’t have a QFT for gravity.

I’m not growing much, but I’ve recently gotten unclockable’s bra buds and I absolutely love them. Took a bit to find a bra they worked well with, but they make a pretty big difference

I love queer. I liked it anyway, but a book I’ve been reading made a strong case for embracing it as being defined in it’s opposition to societal norms, its useful and imo desirable to define it this way. Queer culture is not something I want to see assimilated out of existence, and I sure don’t want to pretend like liberty can be achieved by disappearing into some liberal imitation of cishet culture.

I love that for me, being queer means being radical, demanding better for everyone, loving and supporting each other and giving everyone the chance to be their genuine selves, we don’t demand conformity. Pride means celebrating being ourselves, with no compromises and no apologies.

Goddamn preach
The trans action collective I’ve helped start made this one of our core talking points/demands. You can’t achieve liberty at the expense of anyone else’s, trans liberation demands indigenous liberation