Right now, I am searching for a reason to live. I am constantly lonely and bored. I constantly struggle with apathy. Occasionally I feel a need to try to improve myself, but am unable to maintain motivation for such goals beyond a few hours. Work feels unrewarding. All of my efforts feel pointless. I feel worthless, ugly, stupid, and unlovable.
What do I want? The reality is that all I really want is to be left alone. I want to go to bed and stay there. I want to dream and never wake up.
The selfish, romantic dreamer in me hopes that, while lying and waiting for death, someone will come and rescue me. Someone who loves me truly, cares for me endlessly, and has boundless patience. Someone who will guide me and hold my hand through every difficulty.
I miss my angel, whether she ever really existed or not. The few times she’s come to me in my dreams and hallucinations were the only times I felt truly cared for and loved.
I want to be happy, but I don’t know what, if anything, could make me happy. Everything I have tried only brought me temporary joy and more struggles. I’d inevitably become overwhelmed with my struggles, and then I’d become even more depressed than when I started. This has been an ongoing pattern since I was a child.
I am now in a place of complete apathy. I have an intense reluctance to do much of anything. Doing things may lead to hope, and hope will only lead to further disappointment. I feel like I can’t handle anymore disappointments.
The only reason I even bother trying to work and maintain my job is to support my two housemates. Not that I contribute much, but at least I can ease the burdens I place on them. Plus I fear that if I allowed myself to die then it would cause them great distress. So I continue getting up in the morning for them. I fear that one day even my concern for them will no longer be enough.
Hope it gets better for you friend. My advice is to try not to tie your identity self worth to your job. Allow yourself to be a normal human. Spend lots of time outside, meditate and deep breath. Praying is also very helpful for your mind. Therapy is good too. Go to a gym that has a sauna. Start with just the sauna if you have to. Then do weightlifting. Try to start cutting out things which mess with dopamine…drugs alcohol porn etc. The sauna and gym will help a lot.
You can do it!
P.s. doing stuff you don’t want to do is the start to kinda wanting to do stuff. There is a willpower part of your brain and it’s just like a muscle or needs exercise and practice. The. You will get better at doing uncomfortable things which leads to growth.
I appreciate your kindness and optimism. I wish it were as easy as “doing uncomfortable things.” I feel paralyzed by my anxieties most of the time. Going to a gym sounds terrifying, and simply being outside of my home or driving causes me great anxiety. Of course, I have to go outside to work almost everyday, so it’s not like I’m a stranger to experiencing these feelings.
I had to stop working with my most recent therapist after we both felt like we were stuck in a rut. I’ll be seeing a new therapist in a couple of weeks, so hopefully they’ll be able to offer me some more help. My current SSRI doesn’t seem to be helping much, either, so I’ll be looking into other medications.
I quit THC a month ago as it just wasn’t helping me feel better anymore. Plus it was cranking up my paranoia to concerning degrees. I’ve, thankfully, never liked alcohol so I don’t have to worry about cutting such a terrible addiction. Pornography used to be a concern, but my libido is practically nonexistent in the last couple of years.