Edit: Last night she attempted suicide. I was in the living room while she was showering. She got out of the shower, went to the bedroom, and about 10 minutes later I heard her call my name. She was holding a large handful of her medicine in one hand, and the bottle in the other. She told me she almost took it, but decided to get help instead. Suffice to say, both of us are dealing with a lot right now. She asked me not to tell anyone, but I am trying to persuade her to get mental healthcare.
So yesterday morning, while my girlfriend and I were sleeping in our new apartment, we heard some rustling at the door. This was around 8 AM or so. I heard him call out “maintenance” very faintly from the other side of the door.
I was partially awake and called out to the guy after glancing my gf’s way in a “is this guy for real?” look.
Guy apologized and left the apartment after he heard me. At the time, she said she was “glad I was there”.
I spoke to him later and he apologized profusely and said he wasn’t aware someone had moved in already. I figured that would be the end of it. No harm, no foul.
Last night, my girlfriend informed me that I didn’t handle that correctly. She said her dad would’ve been up and ready to fight the guy, and that by glancing her way I must’ve been asking her to protect me.
Despite us discussing a proposal now that we’re 2 years in, she let me know she doesn’t think I should “this year, but that she may change her mind”.
I’m honestly baffled. Was I supposed to shoot the maintenance man or something?
It has me reconsidering the relationship. One perceived mistake–that I honestly think I handled fine–and she’s putting our plans on ice.
She’s been mean leading up to this. She blames her cycle (and apologizes each time), but it’s a pretty extreme mood shift for a few days each month. So part of me wonders if these 2 things are related, and she’ll regret saying that to me. Another part wonders if I should forgive her in the first place.
What do y’all think? How big of a mess am I in?
Seems like a red flag to me.
Maybe it’s not a deal-breaker in and of itself, but if you get many more of these, you probably want to cut your losses and move on.
Take it from an old guy who’s learned this shit the hard way.
In my experience it’s the case that if someone shows you that they are crazy or psychologically maladjusted, there’s very little that you can do about it as their romantic partner.
I don’t say that people can’t change, only that it’s almost never going to happen when they are already in a relationship with you and exhibiting weird and abusive behavior such as what you describe.
That said, in all honesty I think you might want to at least consider getting out now. The longer you wait, the more difficult it will be.
Again, I’m an old guy in his 50s and I have seen and been through some shit over the years. That doesn’t mean that I’m somehow magically “right,” but it does mean that I have some perspective on these things.
Take it for whatever you think it’s worth.
As a 33 year old man who has had his own share of years in abusive/manipulative relationships, I second this guy’s opinion. The things she said is not the kind of thing you can brush off as a “heat of the moment, on my period” thing. Maybe the fact that she said it is, but she would’ve been thinking it regardless, which is the problem. She has a toxic view of masculinity, apparently because her dad exhibits these traits, and for some reason she wants a guy just like that. You actually sound like a well-adjusted person who doesn’t feel the need to violently assault someone without having all the facts, in order to assert dominance. Unfortunately, that’s not what she wants.
Also, it sounds like her reaction in this situation may be coming from a place of trauma. Has she been assaulted in her past? It is weird that a maintenance guy entering the apartment would trigger her to seek protection. Seems like there may be more to that part of her story. In that case, if you can convince her to seek help from a therapist, this all might just go away.
Her reaction, and this is maybe me coping really hard right now, might be related to what happened last night. She attempted suicide last night and had the mindset to call my name before she did. Despite my pleas, she went to work this morning since she has no time off and doesn’t want to get fired.
We talked about what happened, and she admitted that she’s felt like attempting for the past couple months, which kind of follows what I was feeling yesterday. The past 3-4 months have been more difficult than usual.
I don’t know what my next steps are. I’m feeling from it and using this forum to vent in a safe way. There’s not much advice to give, I think. I’m just going to take this one step at a time.