I’m a middle aged heterosexual man and I’ve been in various circles in my life where I’ve had lesbian friends and acquaintances. I was just thinking how much I’ve appreciated those interactions and how I currently miss having lesbians around me. Not because we stopped being friends, mind you, but due to my dynamic life and me being shit at staying in touch I’ve floated away from people that I appreciate.
Anyway, then I started thinking why is that? Am I fetishizing lesbians, craving what I can’t get etc? I like women who are confident so is it a sexual or psychosexual thing? It made me a bit worried because that does not sound very nice, Freud and mothers and all that jazz… But then I realized that this is not why.
It’s because they don’t act and treat me like a man, like a male person, like a sexuality - but that for them I’m 100% a person. If I’m entertaining or funny or interesting, it’s because I am entertaining or funny or interesting. No interference from deep rooted primate reproductive brain behaviour, and at the rare occasion it’s popped up, it’s something we can play off and dismiss.
Even though I have and always had women friends, it’s a different thing. Regardless our relationship, I’m always a man. It’s inescapable. My friendships with lesbians have always had this special vibe. It’s like what I’d imagine a good sibling be like, but I wouldn’t know because I’m a lone child.
Yeah, I miss that vibe.
Edit: thanks autocorrect
I imagine it’s similar with gay men that join women’s social circles.
Yeah, and probably with the more stereotypical common “fag hag” (is that offensive nowadays? the ones I’ve know have used the terminology on themselves back in the day), straight women that hang around with gay guys.
Fag Hag is approved, continue with your fabulous self
<3 thanks
Is there the other version for straight men with lesbian friends, ie OP?
Fag Hag, as I understand it, is the term for women that predominantly seek out and integrate with a crowd of gay men to party with. Being straight and having one or a few gay friends doesn’t make anyone anything.
Thank you for putting this into words. I have come to realise the same thing over the years but have never been able to properly verbalise it!
I’m a heterosexual male. My sister is a lesbian, and through her, I was introduced to many lesbian (and gay) friends from a young age. And since then, I’ve often had lesbisn friends or acquaintances, and I’ve always found that I get on so much better with lesbians than straight women.
I feel with most lesbian women that I’m in the company of another man. It’s so much easier to talk to them, without the background hum of sexuality that seems to come from interactions with straight women. I’m not blaming women for this, btw. I think it’s just a male brain thing for me, but there is certainly some extra element when interacting with straight women that is absent around lesbians and that absence allows me to relax more and just be myself.
I think all people are affected by their sexuality, regardless how proper and civilized we are. It’s that mammalian thingymajingy we just can’t escape, none of us. From what I’ve read even asexuals are at times struggling with their libido pulling strings from the back of their brain.
Ha! I have a similar feeling. I thought I was the only one. I feel like lesbians understand part of the male experience better than straight women so it’s easier to relate with them, there is less stereotyping or judging for me being a man or that awkward male/female dynamic.
Of course it comes down to the individuals but those are my treasured personal recollections with the lesbian women I’ve been closer friends with. A special open and relaxed vibe that different from the special vibes I have with other friends. Even with my best female friends that we’d never smash our genitals together, regardless we have in the past or not, the sexual part in the back of the brain is always there even when the frontal lobe says nope. We don’t just don’t have the same mutual chill.
On a related topic, where the hell did the lesbians go? I feel like they just vanished. I miss them too 😞
I think they didn’t go anywhere, they just became a normal part of society, so you don’t notice them.
I think there a few around.
The reverse has been true and openly discussed for ages, there’s a reason the “sassy gay best friend” is such a trope in shows and movies made for female viewers. A decent percentage of our conversations with friends has to do with our attraction to or problems with our desired gender, so being able to commiserate with someone that has the same preferences also encourages these friendships. There’s just an extra layer of relatability that hetero mixed gender friendships don’t. It would be odd to point at a stranger while out with a heterosexual female friend and say “look at that chick, isn’t she hot?” Your friend could potentially think you’re trying to say that if she were more like that chick then maybe you’d want to date her. Even saying something like “women are crazy” has a very different tone when said by a man to a straight woman.
I’m a straight man and I’d also be deeply uncomfortable if a friend of mine just randomly asked me if a random woman passing by is hot. It’s a weird thing to randomly ask.
I’d be even more uncomfortable with ANYONE(including women) saying something as generalized as “women are crazy”. Screw the “different tone” BS, there is NO tone you can say that in with a straight face where it’s not at least a little misogynistic, and a LOT of tones you can say it in where it is SUPER misogynistic.
You’re deeply uncomfortable with other men being open about attraction banter with you? To each their own, but it’s not necessarily a virtue.
Well I have a shirt for you:
At least include a link to the shirt!
You’re right. Dunno why I didn’t. Thanks.
One of my most treasured things about my friendship with one lesbian friend is her amazing abbreviations… You don’t get invited to go snorkelling, you get asked “Anyone keen for a snork?”
One friend of mine is lasbian and I cannot appreciate enough the lack of sexual tension between us, which otherwise makes me wary of my behaviour with other female friends.
With her I can act as I feel. By the way, most of the women I have had a crush on in my life (I am 24) turned out to be lesbian or “almost”, which represent 5-10% of all women.
I hate to say it, but I think you’re massively overgeneralizing, if not actually stereotyping lesbians. Of course some gay women are going to treat you differently based on their sexual orientation (just like some straight women), but I have a hard time believing most people do this. Myself and the vast majority of the people I know don’t.
It’s because they don’t act and treat me like a man, like a male person, like a sexuality - but that for them I’m 100% a person.
So… What about asexual women? The elderly? Prepubescent? trans women? I bet cis, gay, adult women aren’t the only ones treating you differently. Obviously I don’t know you, but I bet you’re treating women you have no chance of having sex with differently—perhaps subconsciously. I genuinely believe if you woke up tomorrow and forgot that sexual orientation was a thing, you’d treat everyone the same and this difference would disappear. But that’s just my 2 cents…
Well, my friend. I think on the other hand that you are massively overproblematizing and turning this about something entirely different. You’re taking me sharing a positive insight about me and my friendships and forcing it into something ugly. I think you should maybe ask yourself why this is your reaction. Those are just my 2 cents.
No, OP is right. I had a similar experience. Not all, but I found I can relate to lesbians differently and it’s because they see the world through a different lense. I don’t feel like I’m being judged the same way as I am around straight women.
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I bet you have a hard time maintaining relationships. Best of luck.
What a shitty take
Thanks for sharing. Always interesting to hear someone else’s inner thoughts and realisations.
How odd. As a nonsexual person, I’ve never had sexual tension get in the way of any sort of communication from anyone, whatever their sex/gender. So in that regard I guess I have a slight advantage over other sexual people.
But at the same time I’ve just always wanted to know what that feels like. What is it like? How does it get in the way? How does it affect your interactions with others and cause conflict? What do you feel?
Imagine you could only have one friend for the rest of your life. If you don’t find one then you will be left alone.
For many, that’s a important decision, so they are always attentive to potential friend candidates. You don’t want to humiliate yourself in front of them, so you shy away. You want to show them that you are good friend candidates, you try to show off. Someone else is a good friend candidates, you feel insecure. Someone gets angry at you because you were apparently showing off without realising it and feel threatened.
Its a competition that your body compels you to participated, and it gets exhausting at time.
Now add “and make babies”, remove being able to verbalize this, and you got sexual desire.
It should be noted do, intensity varies from person to person. Those that have it set too high cause problems to themselves and others.
I can give you a little insight. I’m not sure if these comparisons will hit home or not, but I’ll try.
If you order food somewhere and the server brings you something extra, or a mistake is made and they let you keep it…do you feel a small, tiny swell of specialness?
When you make a joke to a group of friends and one of them really is enthusiastic about it and laughs a whole lot or tells you that it was a really funny joke to them, do you feel a warmness and or specialness?
Do you feel a secret little spike of maybe I’m a lil bit more special than these people around me right now?
If this kinda rings a bell for you, try amplifying mentally by like a hundred fold…that specialness with a person you are sexually compatible with seems flirty if they appear to be treating you special. If it is true or not doesn’t really affect the feeling that springs up in your soul. That’s the clouded judgement. It’s like chasing a dragon when you feel that someone thinks your special. That’s a high feeling.
Fwiw, my fiance was my best friend before we were together. She happened to be on the same wavelength as me when it all was going down.
It gets in the way by you having great times with your bestie, joking around, being open and chill. Then something, maybe one of you, maybe something external, triggers the old lizard brain. “Hey”, your brain goes. “You know, this is great. They are great. This would be a great person for reproduction and this a great time for the horizontal fandango!”. But this is your bestie, this is not why you’re here. Your conscious brain does not want to do the sexy sex with them but your primal urges do. You’re in a state of conflict in your brain, trying to rid yourself from one of those essential parts of your very being. What is worse, they have either triggered on the same thing or picked up something subconsciously and they are in the same state. Instead of being all relaxed and fun and open, you are both self conscious and stiff and trying to play it off. And you hate every second of it.
I’ve had a few friendships with this tension, some became relationships, in my experience some issues can be changing behaviors because I don’t want them to think I’m trying to get with them, like fewer compliments when I would others, or there can be a subtle sort of jealousy if they are interested in someone else. Or vice-versa, I might think things they do are signs of attraction and not friendship and so feel mixed about reciprocating unless I want to pursue a relationship.
Platonic relationships.
