I’m sorry Florida - I used to fear the day the sea claimed you

Now I feel much more ambivalent

I have lived in Florida twice. The first time was from the age of 5 to 7. My mom kidnapped me and ran away to Florida. She died when I was 7 and I had to move back in with my dad.

The second time. My first wife and I moved there for a couple of years. A lot of crazy things happened while we lived there. Here’s a taste.

A friend got too drunk at a bar. So I carried her from the bathroom to the car. Then I drove her home. Carried her to her room and put her in her bed and tucked her in. When I got back to the car I realized she had shit on me and in my car.

I went to a bar with a guy from work. We got drunk, and this hot older chick started talking to us. She introduces “her boys” which I thought were her homies, her friends, ya know her boys, and invited us to hang out with them. My friend accepted and he was my ride. Sooooooo, we wind up at their house. “Her boys” were her sons, and one of their wives comes out the bedroom pissed that we woke her up. Then outside mom gets naked in the pool and “her boys” were just like “yup that’s my mom… naked”

Fuck that cess pit. The whole god damn state is cursed.

Somebody once quipped that northern Florida is the deepest of the deep south, while southern Florida is the northernmost of Latin America.