What helped you make the decision to be child-free? How do I be sure about what I want? Looking for recommendation - resources, articles, books etc.
My partner just let me know he would be ready to start trying in a year. My head just spun. I am not ready now at 31 (as a woman and my clock is going tick-tock) and I don’t think I will ever be ready. I am neither excited about the process of birthing nor does a crying pooping tantrum-throwing machine excite me!
Life is easier if you regret NOT having children.
Life is much harder if you regret HAVING children.
Wow this is a great short and straightforward way to explain it.
To give you an actual resource: The Baby Decision by Merle Bombardieri. She’s a social worker and therapist that specializes in this exact issue.
The book is fantastic. It guides you through thought exercises and different considerations about having kids. I want to stress that she does not try to convince you to have a kid. She just helps you make an informed decision.
It honestly sounds like you already know what you want.
My mom’s advice has helped me a lot in my decision. She’s a mother of 5, definitely wanted to be a mother and is very fulfilled by it. Parenting was her great joy, and she was/is great at it.
You and your husband should both be about 80% sure you want kids. Any less and it verges on not worth it. Kids take everything you have. If you want them, you are so happy to give them everything. If you want kids 100% (no fear or hesitation about being ready) than you’re underestimating how important and difficult a decision it is. A good parent does hesitate and consider if they’re ready!
I am 7 months pregnant and I was also terrified to give birth! I’m coming around now, and feeling more ready. At some point, it’s easier to go through 1-2 days of pain and just get them out. Honestly I recommend not researching it too in depth until after you make your decision, because it’s like the smallest part of the process. Pregnancy is like a year, birth is one day, and then they’re your kid forever.
Becoming a biological parent means you’re causing on average 58.6 tonnes of CO2e released per year for having that kid (it’s an order of magnitude worse in rich countries). Wynes et al. 2017
By becoming a biological parent, you’re contributing to the biggest and root cause of making the world unlivable due to anthropogenic climate change.
(Edit: wording)
I postponed the decision because I was afraid I might regret not having children (despite never having wanted them). Once I realized I would also definitely and repeatedly encounter feelings of regret for HAVING children if I did get them, I accepted that I shouldn’t build my life around the fear of maybe having negative feelings. After that, it was smooth sailing through vasectomy and a childfree middle age.
For the record: I haven’t regretted the decision, not once.
I don’t think anyone reads books about this decision. You just sort of… Imagine the outcome, and decide whether you like that.
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People say when you become a parent, you dont have time to do the things you want to do anymore.
I suggest that you still do what you want to do, but the things you want to do change.
I still enjoy going to concerts, and hitting the bar scene with friends, but now I also like teaching my kid how to do things and watching him figure things out.
Yes they start out as crying poop machines, but they get much more interesting than that.
I think people tend to know if they want kids or not. Reading isn’t going to help you that much.
Most children aren’t like that 90%+ of the time. I have 4 and only one really throws tantrums and that’s usually after a long day out and they’re over tired.
Having children can be one of the most amazing things you do with your life, if you want them ofc. It’s really hard to explain just how amazing it is.
You miss out on a load of experiences for sure, but you also get a huge amount of experiences that you wouldn’t otherwise.
Personally I didn’t make the choice. A drunk night in my 20s did lol but I’m super happy with it.
I have 2 kids and I cannot see myself without them anymore. However, they were a conscious and thought out choice I discussed with my partner.
With all of that said, having kids is hard, even when everything is going well. You are not the master of schedule for 10+ years and a lot of extra responsibilities are added to your life that you cannot ignore.
You miss out on a lot of experiences by not having kids, but that’s the same thing for having kids. You can do whatever you want whenever you want.
I asked my mom how much I cost to raise. She said about $35,000 per year.
I figured over 20 years that’s a lot of ski trips, corvettes, grand pianos, surfboards, nice dinners, and home renovation projects. So I decided I’d rather have those.
Talk to your partner. If you are lukewarm about having children, don’t have children. And make sure you communicate your feelings to your partner.
Neither my partner nor I were interested in children. We like them just fine, but we enjoy quiet, the ability to pick up and go wherever we want with little planning. Of course we enjoy having some disposable income.
Children are people. By having them, you are dedicating the rest of your life to guiding them, teaching them, and helping them become decent adults. It’s a decision that shapes all of the people involved.
If you don’t think you’re ready, you probably aren’t. Maybe some day you will be. But that decision is between you and your partner - do NOT let society or other people in your life pressure you.
One of my brothers has kids and loves them. The rest of us are blissfully child free with zero regrets, and we never did “change our minds” as everyone insisted we would. YOU know what YOU want. And if your partner wants differently, that may be an uncomfortable discussion, but one you need to have before other human beings are involved.
I just knew it would make me miserable to have to be a responsible person every day for someone else’s sake. I live in chaos and I’ve made my peace with fucking my own life, but if a kid was in the picture I would step up, but I would hate every moment of it.
After battling with fertility for years, we were close to accepting to be child free and gave it a final try. So now I’m a 40+ parent.
I would have preferred to be in my 20s or 30s instead of 40s because the first several years children costs sleep and energy and when I look back my younger body would have handled it much better.
So my suggestion is: Make the choice sooner rather than later.
Just imagine how much a child costs right now. Now imagine how much college tuition will increase in 18 years. Unless you’re rich, you’re fucking your life up.
