recently I had a relationship that took a turn for the worst. I started working part time at a coffee shop in my town and found a girl that took a liking to me. Me also being intreseted, we started hanging out outside of work a lot. The more we hung out the more and started developinig feelings for eachother. Eventually both of us got together after a steamy night out despite my better judgement.
She had expressed being in a lot of abusive relationships, struggling with addiction to many substances in the past, and had terrilble parents and family. I empathized and thought I could be a better person in her life. at this point, I planned a camping trip for the two of us to get away from all the crazy for a bit.
fast forward, she moves out of her parents place and becomes very distant. me being concerned, I keep asking whats going on but she keeps pushing away. eventually after 3 weeks of her not responding, I ask if she ever really even wanted to be in a relationship with me and she said no. Devistated, I cancel and trip and avoid her during work. She then get’s frustrated that I’m not acting the same way around her anymore and that I had cancled the trip. I express to her how I felt about the situation and why I canceled the trip and I felt like she understood.
a few weeks later, after I get back from the camping trip I had planned where I had decided to go by myself, she texts me she’s feeling suicidal and needs some support right now. I drop everything and go to her place consul her as I’ve been there. she then expresses to me she’s been struggling with bpd for a while. I tell her if she ever needs help or needs anything from me to just let me know.
A week later, she starts to flirt with me again at work and I take it as she’s intrested in me again. despite my better judgement, I take the flirting too far by touching her butt briefly as she was showing me her holes in the back pockets of her pants, wiggling her fingers through. Without giving it a second thought, I do the same with my left hand thinking nothing of it as we had been intimate. After doing so, she looks disgusted and I say I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have done that.
I then go to her place the next day with some snacks to appologize. She wasn’t home so I just left them at her door with a snapchat explain myself. She then takes a screenshot of my snapchat out of context, sends it to the police, and claims that I’ve raped her, sexually assulted her, and have been stalking her. claims we never had any kind of relationship and gets me thrown in jail for a couple of days.
TLDR: girl I’ve been dating for a few months makes false claims I’ve raped her and have been stalking her. Without question or evidence, I get thrown in jail and have been dealing with legal fallout, mental, emotional, and financial struggles since.
It’s been a few month since, lots of therapy sessions, tons of meds, and I’ve gone through most of the legal stuff. I’m now left feeling I’m no longer safe as a man. I’m so traumatized I finding it hard to leave the house anymore and increasling hard to talk to and trust others.
I guess what I really want to know is how can I protect myself as a man in the future from these kinds of things? I’ve asked my therapist, many of my friends, and family members to no avail. Most of them come from a religous background or havn’t dealt with anything remotly similar. Let me know your thoughts bellow.
I can’t provide more to the topic at hand than all the other commenters before me. And I agree mostly. But I want to add this:
In hindsight, it is easy to call out all the red flags and say “Oh my, I should have ended this months ago”. This does not do justice to the reality of relationships. Not everyone with psychological issues is undatable. Red flags are more of a weighted factor, rather than a hard line. It always depends.
I am struggling to make this point adequately, but the bottom line is: If you are in a happy relationship, you will probably find red flags regardless. It is just that you both can talk about them/improve.
You make a great point that young folks need to hear. Going off a lot of dating experience, combined with what I’ve read online, many people, particularly younger people, think they should give up if a single thing turns them off. A red flag isn’t a deal killer, you just have to decide if you can’t put up with that particular red flag.
My gf is mad jealous, and I’ve said for years I wouldn’t put up with that particular brand of boolshit. Yet, here we are. She knows this about herself, which is key! If she was in denial about it, I probably would have ended the relationship. I’ve decided this one thing is just something I’ll have to deal with.
And me? I’m moody and have occasional temper tantrums, not rising to the level of physical abuse or name calling. Most importantly, I know this about myself, can admit it and work on it. She knows this about me and decided she can live with it.
I’m sure someone will come along and tell me we’re both poisonous and need to break up. Let’s just say that at 52-yo, I’ve been with a great variety and number of women, and she’s the finest I’ve ever met for me. And while she doesn’t have nearly the experience, I’m the best she’s ever landed. We’re disgustingly happy. 🥰 If y’all can keep it on the downlow, I’m going to ask her to marry me soon.
glad you found someone like that! my parents are almost a spitting image of something similar to that 😂 thanks for sharing and best of luck with the proposal
I’ll definitely keep that in mind as I keep dating, although it might be a while before I get back out there. thanks for the advice I really appreciate it