She wanted to stay with me even without kids, but after the first days I saw her become an empty shell of a person. This was her meaning of life, apparently even more than we both thought. I could leave her, but that felt horrible as well.

Now we have a kid; the first few years were a personal nightmare for me because of mental health issues. Lack of sleep icw depression and what more makes parenting extra intense. I tried with all my might to not let it affect our child, I hope I managed to so far.

It’s a lot better now, the kid is great and I’m amazed how much love I feel, but I always feel guilty. For giving life (something that goes against my principles as I did not want to be born myself) and for not being able to 50/50 care because of the mental shit that makes me unable to. Aside from that the usual, missing my freedom, the continuous responsibility.

I would not do it again in a reset of my life, not because of the kid who I genuinely think is great, but due to my lack of mental health, which has the potential each and everyday to ruin it all for them (which is a compulsive intrusive thought in my mind). But I hang on, I try to.

With all the love and respect, I would not recommend anyone in my situation.