My boyfriend (33) and I (38) have been together for almost four years. We were one of those early couples during COVID who decided to cohabitate sooner than we would normally have preferred. I was living in San Francisco and he was in Northern Virginia. I drove cross-country with my cat and most the valuable possessions I could fit into a sedan to move in with him.

Things have gone well, with one exception: we haven’t decided where we are going to live for the long term. Last year, we moved from Northern Virginia back to his home state because his mother was ill. His state is in the US South and borders my home state. We have very different views on our region of origin.

As a kid, I dreamt of leaving Tennessee before I knew I was gay. I realized I was irreligious in middle school, so I’m sure you can imagine what it was like going to a public high school that had a course that taught the bible as literal truth and a baccalaureate service at a Southern Baptist church that was paid for by the mandatory cap-and-gown rental fees. Moving to Atlanta was marginally better, but moving to SF was like escaping hell.

He, on the other hand, loves this region and his home state. He grew up in Appalachia, was very involved in his church and was even semi-out at his church. He feared his dad learning that he was gay more than he was afraid of anyone at church finding out. After his dad died, that was obviously no longer an issue, so he’s completely out to his family and they accept our relationship.

It was my suggestion that we move here, though we considered Atlanta and Richmond, VA. The rationale was that he really wanted to move back home and that he missed his family. Throughout our relationship, he was always upfront about planning to move back home at some point. Ultimately, I wanted to rip off the band-aid sooner so that if things didn’t work out, we’d still be young enough to have an easier time finding new partners. I saw no point in prolonging what may be inevitable.

I don’t hate it here, but I’m also very introverted and on the spectrum, so I can go a long time without face-to-face contact with strangers. I’ve leaned in to my hobbies, which are all solitary in nature. I find it tolerable because I don’t have to interact with the local culture.

He loves it here; since we moved back, his mental and physical health have improved. He’s very much an extrovert, so he’s joined an affirming church and gotten involved with it. He’s also reconnected with old friends. I mention this because there’s a bit of tension about the fact that he’ll invite me to events and gatherings and I always say no. Since he’s asked me this, I have been honest about the fact that I was not like this in SF or Atlanta; I was much more interested in socializing and going to events, far more so in SF.

There’s an unspoken understanding that we’ll likely have to move somewhere else due to his job or my career. I’m a contractor at a big tech company; going full-time would require relocation. I’ve been looking for a more stable job for a few months but the market is terrible and companies are much pickier than they were before COVID. I have no interest in working for a non-tech company or any company not based on the West Coast; I’ve done that before and found it rife with social BS. It’s been years since I had to deal with the implicit expectation that I must be interested in organized sports because I’m a masculine-presenting man who regularly works out.

tl;dr: my partner and I have had variations on the same fight (where to live long-term) for the past 3 years or so . We’ve made progress but haven’t come to a real resolution. It’s complicated by the fact that even though we’re in a relatively big city, there’s no tech industry to speak of here and I’ve lost out on at least one opportunity because of our location. Is it time to consider ending things or am I being a worry-wart?

  • erebus@lemmy.worldOP
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    1 year ago

    Thanks. That’s the conclusion I’m slowly coming to, as well. I’ve given your words some thought and I think it’s willing to have another conversation when we’re both in a good place mentally and emotionally. He’s been stressed because of the previously impending shutdown, so it probably didn’t help that I brought this up without considering that.

    ETA: I think part of this stems from a desire for us to build our own life together rather than us living in a place that only one of us has ties to. This was one of the things I was insecure about in my previous relationship because I moved in with him. So it always felt like his place (his house, his family, his friends, etc) and I had to fit into it rather than us finding our own way. To be fair, that relationship was a bad idea for several reasons (but that’s often the case in one’s 20s), but I think this is a sore spot due to my history of being kicked out as a youth and, for several years, having to live in places where I didn’t have any say in simple things like furniture and decor. I don’t want him to feel like that (which is part of why I’m hesitant about the Atlanta area) and I don’t want to feel like that (which is part of why I wasn’t keen on living here long-term).

    Edit 2: Your point about thinking about what we want rather than where we want to live is a better way to frame it. We’ve been so fixated on the places (or rather, our perceptions of some places) rather than considering what it is we want out of a place to live.