Hey guys…this is kind of a long story but I will try to break it down in a timeline basis
Me: 21F Him: 23M
November**** —> we started talking in November, everything was amazing, he is long distance (7hr drive) but initially he said we would be friends because he doesn’t have much to offer me (first week ish of talking). We met up, hung out multiple times and we clicked. We texted every night and all -> I told him about my past and I had many problems with my father so I sought comfort in men which I regret. I never felt wanted growing up so I made mistakes and would have sex with people with no emotional connection because it made me feel wanted in a way (I know it’s dumb but it’s rlly serious for me) -> he asked me my body count (which is like 19-21) idek it myself because it’s just traumatizing. I initially said 5 (we were on call) because I wanted to know his reaction and he was so upset and I felt bad so then I told him the actual number. We had only been talking for 3 weeks or whatever and I was just so scared of him leaving me over it. I know it’s high so before you guys judge me for this I am safe from stuff and I always got tested. When I told him, he was super super upset and was crying a bit about it and felt sick. I get it. He’s past this now tho. He said he felt saddened that I didn’t see my self worth. It’s whatever tho.
December-January-February —> we hung out more, had nights out and obviously did sexual stuff, etc, etc… did everything couples do but he never asked me to be his girl. At this point I’m super confused because I didn’t know what he wanted from me. My past consisted of me basically just being used for sexual stuff and no one could ever love me to be in a relationship. So I asked him “what do u want from me?” And he didn’t say date or anything. He said he doesn’t know how the future will look like because he doesn’t know where he will be for work. So I said okay. I was still confused. I didn’t know if he wants a relationship or what? I thought people usually ask others?
March-April -> during march, I did go through his following list (ik I’m crazy) but I had to. I noticed he follows this one Instagram kinda famous girl, super attractive and posts seducing photos. I definitely got sad from this and started comparing myself (my ex used to compare me with others girls towards the end of the relationship so it stemmed from that, and I know my ex is not this guy and I shouldn’t be worried but I definitely was upset). He did like plenty of her photos before we met which I don’t care about. She did post one seducing photo and he did like it in march. I did get super sad but I ended up confessing what I did. I did join her twitch and ask her and she said he used to message her and call her beautiful and whatever. It’s fine. It was before. But this did hurt. I know it’s just social media. Anyways, I’m only adding this information because it might formulate everything better together. He only messages her BEFORE he met me and she even said he stopped which I respected a lot. I told him about it, he felt horrible, removed and explained in the most beautiful and comforting way ever, we talked and communicated and everything was good and I felt good after. -> I do have TikTok and have had it for years, I would go live and yes some people would dm me and stuff but I never entertained them. I was at a low point financially so I asked my bf (didn’t know rlly if he was my bf but I assumed because we would send each other bf/gf memes) if he would be fine with me sending fake nudes to old men for money. He said yes. The first guy I sent fake nudes and he sent me a dick pic back and I told him that better not be how he’s paying me. I got mad. I might have fake flirted for money but he didn’t send and then we argued and I blocked him. I never sent any nudes of myself and I would never do that to my bf. Anyways, I didn’t tell my boyfriend he sent me any photos because I felt there wasn’t a point? I thought he would’ve kind of expected it as I’m sending fake nudes. But I didn’t expect it tbh, I was physically sick when I got them. Anyways, guy #2 actually sent me money and all I did was talk about our day, no photos, nothing, just one photo of me off of instagram to show I’m real and that’s it. My bf knew this, I even showed him a photo and offered him my passwords if he wanted to text them himself or see. I wasn’t hiding anything. After he sent money, my boyfriend let me know he wasn’t comfortable with it, I said ok. He told me unless they are donating through gofund me then it’s fine. So a week passes by, someone on TikTok says they can help me, I sent them the gofund me link and they asked for Instagram first and that they would send. So my idiot self gave them my Instagram handle and I immediately sent them the GFM link and they asked for photos. I said no, everything on my Instagram is there but I’m not sending you anything. And they sent a dick pic. I said we and blocked. I felt SO GUILTY for giving my Instagram to send GFM link so I immediately told my boyfriend. This is where things went downhill. He was super super upset. I then told him the first guy sent me a dick pic and that after the second guy, I did request some more money via banking which I regret. I guess in my head I was like “I’m not speaking to him so why not get some more out of it on email request” but it was dumb anyways. I regret I. He said he needed a break because he can’t trust me anymore. So the final trigger was giving my Instagram because a week before we had a chat about Instagram following. When I look back I cringe and feel silly because I know following doesn’t matter. He didn’t like that 700 guys follow me, I literally payed $5 for an app to remove them because I wanted him to feel better and happier so I did it. I don’t care for anyone but him. I have made those dumb mistakes for money because I’m struggling so hard. I never sent anything of myself but I feel horrible. He said he did get more upset of the fact they sent me a dick pic. He was saying something about “what if their d is better” or whatever and I told him to stop. It was traumatizing for me to see that shit so it made me so mad when he said this. I DONT CARE FOR ANY GUY. Then I hit a dark dark spot, I couldn’t stop crying and feeling guilty and he was also depressed. We both were so upset. I did something dumb and I decided to cut myself which I haven’t done in so long. I needed relief. I never hurt someone I love. Mind you, a week before I hurt him, I told him I love him, which I do. And I never felt that way about anyone since my ex. So I said it cuz I mean it. I don’t say those words to anyone. So I felt even more guilty. We met up after to talk about things (overnight) and when I arrived, I insisted we talk about things but he didn’t want to. We had sex. Next morning, shit happened and he said we should split. I did feel used. I felt like he just wanted final sex and then to end things. I couldn’t stop crying. I felt like we could’ve worked things out. I genuinely care about him so much and even though we are long distance, FaceTiming, playing games together, hearing about his day, just makes me complete. Picking a day I will see his beautiful face and soul just gave me something to look forward to.
Present We are still close friends and talk like nothing much changed ish. We did go out last weekend and everything was normal. Obviously not dating but still doing what “couples” do. It does hurt tho. I want him to be mine and I want to be his… I have brought it up to him so many times how I want it to work but he said there’s no hope. I brought it up again today. I just feel like I don’t have the closure or maybe I’m going through denial. It just hurts so fucking much. My chest physically hurts a lot. I saw him two days ago for a bit… we had sex… I wanted to say I love you so bad when I first hugged him but I couldn’t. I felt bad. I have so much love to give and I only want to give it to him. He accepted me for so many things I was ashamed of and made me feel happy. How bad did I fuck up. I want him back so bad but he said his friends knocked sense into him and also said sex during friendship isn’t healthy. And I felt a change in his energy last night after his talk lol. It hurt a lot. But I guess I deserve this pain because of the pain I inflicted on him.
Please give me real advice, no soft stuff, hit me with blunt truth.
Also when when we were talking about Instagram following it initially stamped because I was asking him if you were still following any girls hip previously done stuff with by the wayI am his first body, which is why he was more upset with my body count I’m assuming
Hey mate, this all sounds really tricky. You really don’t deserve pain just cos you hurt him, it doesn’t work like that. Are you diagnosed with anything? Just cos if you do have depression, BPD etc then that could help you manage your emotions
Yeah depression and def BPD but the BPD isn’t diagnosed. I start therapy (CBT) in a week and a half!
That’s great well done! How are you feeling about starting therapy?
Honestly really scared… the initial phone call (asking me deep questions) was so uncomfortable but so comforting and relieving at the same time so I think it’ll be good! It will be online, they are mailing me a hard copy book designed for their program and every week I will have a call to go over and learn different behaviors and stuff
That’s a good mindset to have! It shows you want to put the work in, which is great cos youre worth the effort. The more you put into it the more you get out of it, and this should all reduce your pain
Thank you so much internet stranger 💕… I am motivated to start, I know I need it, I know I have so much ahead of me and going into my future emotionally more stable and mentally, I will be better for myself and others.
You’re welcome mate. You might want to look at !WomensStuff@lazysoci.al if you need a safe space to hang out
Does anyone talk about anything here?
Rule 5
What rule 5?
Rule 5 is about “If you have any questions regarding the site itself or would like to report a community”. I think this question is a valid question for Ask Lemmy, since this question it not about Lemmy or Mbin itself…
@Nyticus with “Community support” they mean questions about Lemmy software itself. the OP is not violating any rules here. You are fine.
You’re technically asking a “How do I?” by rewording it as an advice question. Also, learn to format your post. Christ. Nobody comes here to A) read blobs of text that poorly formatted and B) Relationship drama.
You gotta let this guy go. Same advice as the last time you asked about this guy just two weeks ago.
He is the one assigning your worth to your “body count.” Nobody gets to choose what their sexual choices mean except the person who makes those choices: You.
He sounds untrustworthy and wants you to be controlled while he gets to scheme on women online.
Same as last time, you’re worth more than this guy who tries to bring down your self esteem and self worth through judgment instead of acceptance.
You’re far too young to be worrying about a guy who treats you this badly.
Yeah this is a TL;DR: Dude is a - as my generation calls them - massive fuckboy.
Longer version:
He strung you along and quite frankly, I’m willing to bet a lot of him getting in his feelings was hypocrisy and ego, even if it’s subconscious. These breakdowns were likely him rationalizing to himself about why he couldn’t commit, instead of acknowledging and stating directly that he does not want to date you and risk losing access to your attention.
“Let’s still be friends” is fuckboy code for “I still like the attention you gave me and want to have you around on the back burner for when I’m bored.” Fuckboys want options and benefits without commitment. They don’t do clear no-strings-attached because they like the easy boyfriend treatment.
You cannot love someone out of being a fuckboy. Nothing you do or don’t do will affect or change how a fuckboy treats you.
It sounds trite, but when someone is worth your time they make it very clear. You deserve someone whose interest you never question. If nothing else, you deserve peace of mind. Contact with this guy is costing you your peace of mind.
Why is everyone dismissing what I did and the money scheme with weird old men. I feel terrible. Why is everyone disregarding that information. I need to figure it out. I’m going crazy over him. I’m trying so hard to get something I can’t it’s killing me
We’re dismissing it because it’s irrelevant.
Adding up all your mistakes doesn’t make you deserve any less.
Your brain is trying to convince you that you are a piece of shit, and thus you deserve a piece of shit. But that’s not true, no matter what, NO. MATTER. WHAT., you deserve better than someone who makes you feel like this.
I wouldn’t leave someone if they did. But maybe I’m too forgiving. I believe in change and commitment. I’m loyal to people I respect and care for.
Isn’t what I did worthy of someone leaving me?
Maybe? That would be for them to decide.
You can only learn from that, and move on.
That’s a good point. I guess it’s hard for me to settle with everything that has happened but I’m slowly getting it. Thank u.
But I hurt him from my actions. How can I get over that? The sound of him crying, the sound of him in pain will never leave my head. I feel horrible. I just want to make things right but I can’t. I feel like it’s all my fault because if I just hadn’t sent them my Instagram for money this wouldn’t have happened. Or told him the first guy or whatever send me stuff (which I obviously didn’t ask for) I was equally as fucked and grossed out, but I should’ve known what I was getting myself into I guess. But I think before, part of me felt like I cheated on him when I know I didn’t because I told him each time I was messaging one for money. I offered passwords, go on my phone, idc. I didn’t feel any way cuz I only ever did things for money. He was jealous I was giving them attention or receiving their attention… I told him I don’t care for these people (as bad as it sounds)… I know taking money from people isn’t right but they said so I said why not.
I also fear in the future no one will want me because of my body count or that I’m going to feel as if I need to tell someone EVERYTHIG I’ve done because that’s how I felt after this incident. It felt like everything I have done in my past is illegal and I should be punished for it.
Nobody is dimissing it. Didn’t dismiss it last time either.
Even sex workers deserve a healthy love life because sex work is work.
I’m trying so hard to get something I can’t it’s killing me
Don’t waste time on people who don’t want to be with you. You can’t force someone to love you or feel ways about you. You deserve to be accepted as you are, without judgment for what you have done. A good partner would not make you feel less for taking money from old men but would hold you while you cried about it and tell you they loved you anyway. They would tell you that it was okay to have negative feelings about what you did but that it didn’t change how they felt about you. Support not judgment. He chooses to make you feel worse through judgment instead of acceptance.
But I’m not a sex worker. Someone said I am before but I’m not. I’m not sending any nudes. Only once I sent FAKE from the internet. . I understand what ur saying. I don’t know how to go about this. Being friends with him is fine and feels good while I’m healing. I know I’ll heal, I healed from things 10x worse. But damn, it hurts so much. I want someone who communicates with me and stays during tough times, not leaves. I feel like my emotional intelligence greatly improved after this. I understand certain things better. When I was with my ex, after he fucked me over. He chased me irl in his car and was screaming out his car to me while I was riding my Bike. I was petrified and was crying the whole time running away. But now I get it. People who love go great measures to get u back. Thats how I feel now.
When I was with my ex, after he fucked me over. He chased me irl in his car and was screaming out his car to me while I was riding my Bike. I was petrified and was crying the whole time running away. But now I get it. People who love go great measures to get u back. Thats how I feel now.
Look, that’s an incredibly unhealthy thing to take from that interaction. People with real love in their hearts are willing to let go of who they love if it means better things for that person. They love them enough to want the best for them, even if means losing them. They don’t follow screaming and crying demanding that the other give up a better future for them.
I’ve done all I can, and I think most others have, too. If you don’t actually want to listen to the advice given by many people who have taken time out of their days to try to encourage you into healthy relationship habits, that’s your choice. Because in this thread and the last, all I’ve seen is healthy advice given and healthy advice ignored. Maybe that’s just because you’re young and haven’t learned enough to understand that it is indeed healthy advice, but it is. Beating yourself up for your past and treating yourself like you don’t have worth due to it is a choice, and it’s an unhealthy one. I really do hope things get better for you. Doing this to yourself won’t make it better, it will just make your depression and mental health worse. Freeing yourself from the chains of treating yourself like you are a bad person is the healthy choice and will improve your mental health. It’s okay if you’re not prepared to go down that path, but it’s also okay if people want to stop giving you advice because you can’t or won’t listen.
Ur right. I did let go of someone I had loved because I was in great pain and was probably better for me after all that disrespect. What he did, as ur saying, wasn’t good. It was crazy and it was a manipulative way of trying to get me back. I guess this applies in this scenario as well, he cares about me but wants to let go of the relationship because he’s hurt. So I am better understanding.
I appreciate all the advice, I really do. I take all of it into consideration and always look back at them. I appreciate you for ur comments and everything you’ve told me. I value everyone’s perspective and feedback, it really has helped me. I won’t lie, I think the closure and validation of the situation from posting it here helps, I know it sounds silly, but hearing people’s thoughts and opinions helps. I don’t have anyone to rlly talk to about this as I only have one friend and she’s probably fed up. But this does help and I do listen to everyone.
I will start doing what’s best for me. I start therapy for my depression and PTSD in 2 weeks so I’m looking forward but I’m scared. I know it will help me though.
What should I do? I still want to be friends with him and I know I’ll be capable of doing it without emotions attached, after today, I really see it more clearly. I will respect his space and he will respect mine. We agreed no more sexual stuff since we are only friends now. I regret doing anything anyways because it did only make me feel worse. I think the only scary part is the after**** like when we “heal”, will he remove me? Will I remove him? I think that is making me nauseous thinking about it. But I guess that’s a future problem?
I’m gonna be frank: I would not want to remain friends with someone like this at all. It’s incredibly insulting and manipulative to tell someone that they’re unworthy of being trusted when you know that they have issues with their self-worth, while also continuing to maintain contact with said person. Trust should be implicit in any opt-in relationship, whether it’s a platonic friendship or a romantic one. Relationships require sharing vulnerability, and I wouldn’t do that with anyone I don’t trust not to take advantage of me. If for any reason I no longer feel able to trust a person, that’s fine, it’s just where the relationship is going to end. From my (admittedly extremely limited) outsider perspective, you’re being vulnerable to this guy and he’s taking advantage of it.
You were honest with him about what you viewed as a mistake, and he used that as a vehicle to say you can’t be trusted? Make that make sense. I can’t say whether I’d be happy about it in the same scenario, but if anything it would make me trust you more. Even though you knew it would be upsetting, you made the mature choice to tell him what happened. I think an appropriate response in that situation would be to be upset, but to recognize that you were already reflecting on your actions. It sounds as though you were already unhappy, and even if he wasn’t going to comfort you, the least he could do is not blow a fuse. That’s not healthy behavior in a relationship, and I’d urge you to look at things like that when vetting potential partners in the future.
Plainly speaking, it sounds like you were just being strung along from this point forward. He knows or should have known how hurtful it is to say that he can’t trust you, especially given all of the nice and flowery things he’s said in the previous months. He knows your insecurities, and made them so much worse with his actions. Then, he continues a physical relationship with you and the dates under the guise of being “just friends” while knowing that you want something more from the relationship. That’s a horribly shitty thing to do to someone that you know you have an emotional grip on, especially if they have some emotional trauma as you seem to. It’s not something I would do to someone I dislike, let alone a friend I’m supposed to care about. It shows a complete disdain for your feelings. You deserve much better from your friends. Strangers on the internet shouldn’t be more considerate of your feelings than some guy that you wanted a relationship with.
I hope your therapy goes well. I’m rooting for you, and want to tell you that I think that you are absolutely worthy of love as you are, so you should try loving yourself. You’re honest, introspective, and capable of self-critique.
This made me cry right now. You’re so fucking right, why remain friends with me if he can’t trust me? Why should I even want to be friends with someone who can’t trust me? I have told him everything, and he probably should have trusted me more from all the guilt that consumed me. I harmed myself, I went to the hospital because the guilt and sadness hurt so much my chest was hurting and I was panicky for days. Convinced myself I was going to have a heart attack lol. I do suffer from emotional trauma. Me and my father didn’t have the best relationship before, he would get mad, verbally and physically abuse me, leave me alone and not talk to me about anything for months even close to a year at one point, all while living in the same house. I was always used to shutting emotions off and I never felt connected to people emotionally. With him, I did. I tried my best. I tried to “win” him back but then I just felt like I was being manipulative. I tried it yesterday to bring it up again, didn’t change, so yep, I give up. I am detaching from it because I broke myself so much the last month I’m just tired of it.
I need ur advice on one thing though… the bigger reason he was upset and couldn’t trust me is because after we had a talk about Instagram and followers or whatever (so gen z and dumb), he was upset because I gave someone my Instagram and sent them a GoFundMe link (he said gofund me is fine with him) but the act of sending the Instagram was what triggered him. And that I didn’t tell him the first guy sent me photos and stuff. Like I wanted to see that? I didn’t see a purpose but idk. Maybe I’m being delusional. I find it silly he ended things because he couldn’t trust me when all I said was the truth. I feel guilty hiding things so I don’t know how I can do this
Scamming old men is kinda shitty but having sex isn’t something to feel guilty about. But is this post about your self-confidence or the relationship?
Yea I feel bad… the first guy got sent fake nudes obviously… he said he lowkey knew after I told him they were fake. But he didn’t send money. The second guy just genuinely wanted to help (nothing in return but just to listen and talk) and yes this one I actually felt the worst. I know he was most likely lonely and it did feel wrong but it did also feel good to get money so easily. Easy money always is nice but the actions behind it aren’t always the best and I’m aware. I’m not rlly guilty for having sex in my past and stuff. I do feel like shit about my body count and feel less worthy yes but I’m trying to move past that. I think remembering his reaction to my body count is also what triggering even more guilt about myself. A number so high it has someone so upset. It’s kills me.
TLDR: op needs to grow up and move on.
Thank you.
Such a wall of text and i looked at the top and at the bottom…
Lol thanks, why comment if u didn’t even read it?
That’s a lot.
It sounds like he only wants to be friends.
The things he is upset about are his issues. You are not his girlfriend, so you don’t need to address them because they don’t really concern him.
He is trying to set boundaries and it looks like he’s not good at it. It sounds like this is bad for both of you. But it looks like at this point there’s not gonna be a relationship.
The only thing you can do is find a way to move on. All the good things, but all the bad things as well will stop and things will be different, but there’s nothing really you can do. However what you two do together is up to you. If you need some time to process, tell him and take your time. If you think you can go back to being friends - try it, but be mindful this will be hard.
You are not your mistakes, and some of the things he said are his issues to deal with. Your body count? Sure he can be upset but that’s not on you to change. You told him the truth and the only thing he can do is accept it or break up and move on.
Right now it sounds like you two are not a great fit. He doesn’t value you enough to trust you, and you are trying to hold onto him even though he doesn’t trust you.
Maybe at some point things can be different but not right now and you need to have a life outside of him so you don’t get hung up on mind games.
Somewhere there’s someone who loves you for all you are but if it’s not him then that’s how it is. And if it is him, then there’s a lot of things he needs to learn before it might work. Don’t wait for that, you need to keep doing you for now.
Yeah he does… I’m accepting it now. I’m too drained to keep trying. He couldn’t trust me and felt I didn’t respect him which is crazy because I showed him more love and respect than I had for myself. But whatever. People only see the bad and suddenly that outweighs all the good people do and people leave. Whatever. I’m tired of fighting. We will be friends, I’ve accepted it. I told him I won’t bring it up anymore. He will always have a place in my heart though. I told him if he thinks he needs to change himself for a relationship then I would be there to support him and I wouldn’t stop him from continuing to live and improve if we’re together. But it all ended the same way it does every time I bring up the topic again, just friends anyways. So yea, I’m drained, I’m tired and I’m done. This is how I am, I can only give/pour so much of myself out until I’m really done. Almost the same happened with my ex, he BROKE me… manipulated me to get with him again saying he wants to die without me blah blah, we took a break but I realized I can’t go back because of the damage. And I was drained from how he made me feel in those 2-3 weeks. I no longer felt anything.
That makes perfect sense.
For me the most annoying thing is that no one is pure evil, neither is he. So it’s hard to just blame him and and be done with it. Things are always complicated. A lot of the time there’s no one to blame. Because that doesn’t help. Not him, but also not yourself.
One thing though: you said there will always be a place in your heart for him and that you will always support him. Please make sure you prioritize yourself. Don’t give him too much of your time and energy. If you are a friend of him, he is a friend of yours. It’s real easy for people to invest everything just for some “what if”.
Someone needs to think of you and if it’s not him, it has to be yourself. Things will become normal, but until then someone needs to watch out for you.
Yeah, I don’t blame him. It just didn’t work I guess. Things happen I guess. I will prioritize myself but it is hard sometimes since I lack motivation but I will push.
He couldn’t trust me and felt I didn’t respect him which is crazy because I showed him more love and respect than I had for myself.
Why on earth would anyone trust, love, respect anyone who can not trust, love, respect themselves?
Because I’m broken. I like to make people feel good even if that means putting them first. I’m also a people’s pleaser. I come off as this happy jolly person and soon as I hit home, reality hits. I don’t like talking about my problems because I feel like I don’t make sense or I’m a burden lol. That’s why I am that way. It’s dumb.
