I generally trust America’s Finest News Source for their TTT reporting. (Timely, Topical, Accurate)
However, I recently read an article, ‘Experts Recommend Using Hunger As Egg Substitute’, which had a glaring and obvious piece of misinformation. In this news, they write “It’s also vegan, cost-effective, and much lower in cholesterol compared to a typical egg-based dish.”. Although I will concede that it is significantly more cost-effective (in the short term) than other substitutes, as a Vegan, I CANNOT STAND for this blatant and utter untruth. The body digesting it’s stomach lining in hope of scrounging nutrients that aren’t there simply cannot be construed as being anything other than ‘eating meat’. I will stick to eating eggs, thank you.
I had previously enjoyed articles such as ‘Your Horoscope — Today’s Birthday’, ‘We’re Under New Management, Effective Immediately’, and ‘Heartbreaking: The Worst Person You Know Just Made A Great Point’.
Despite these previously outstanding articles from them, I will NO LONGER be reading their 'news’paper due to this CRITICAL offense.
yes this is OC, yes I did actually send this to them as an email, no I don’t hate vegans
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Solid joke, HOWEVER…the body doesn’t digest it’s own tissues ever, actually. It will burn sugars first, fats second, then the byproducts of dissolving muscle mass. There’s your non-vegan bits right there.
What if you jerk off in your mouth? Zat count?
Hmmm. Good question.
Let me text your mom and sister and see what they think.
💥
YOU STAY AWAY FROM MY WIVES
I disagree. The body will completely digest its own tissue. It will completely digest the entire body given enough time. I read it on the internet, so it must be true. There are no lies on the internet.
Props for trying to onion The Onion…
Are you of the veganism school that holds that consentually obtained animal products (This Usually Means Semen) is vegan? So your body digesting itself could be vegan.
If my mitochondria are seperate symbiotic organisms, are they capable of consent?
Excuse my ignorance. Could you please explain the joke for the uneducated among us?
The author claims to be vegan, but also says that they will “stick to eating eggs” (which are not a vegan food) because they consider starvation a form of (non-vegan) self-cannibalism, which is absurd.
If an Onion article hurt your feelings: good.
You’ll get no sympathy from me.
Drink it in pal, that’s how Onion tastes.
If you still don't get it:
The call is coming from inside the house!
