After my last break up I can’t seem to get out from this depression relapse…
I reduced media use drastically, like almost to zero, I am swimming 3-4 times a week, doing yoga 1-2 times a week, going to work every morning with my bike, doing only cold showers, being in the sun, being in nature, playing my guitar, being around people as much as I can, being around my little dog and my cats, eating super super healthy, not doing any drug, not drinking, not smoking, reading self help books…
I’m doing everything, everything that can possibly be done without meds probably, but my mind feels so down and so “lazy”, last night I was sleeping on the ground because I had scabies and got cured, I had my bed changed and didn’t want to sleep in my bed without having a shower first, but it felt too hard to have a shower…
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for 3 weeks because it feels so hard to change myself and to wash them.
Even tho I’m really putting effort into all this stuff, I feel like I have zero energy and my mood is like 90% of the times terrible, and 8% of the times acceptable and 2% kinda OK(?)
I’m used to most of the stuff I said in the beginning, it’s just what I do in my life is most of the time, except I would increase media consumption from times to times. How the hell can I be depressed?
I feel like this time I’m doing everything right, and in fact at least I don’t feel like I want to kill myself all the time like it happened in the past… But you know, it feels like great effort isn’t really paying back…
I feel like I’m pushing and pushing and pushing but I don’t get anything back, if I miss the pool one time, it’s just a mood drop…
I feel super weak, I also have some bad “blood sugar drops”, or at least that’s what my family says, and I’m also considering I might be having some deficiency or nutrition related issue at this point.
My therapist is insisting like a lot to put me on antidepressants, but they made me feel terrible in the past. Microdosing is the only thing that worked decently but I got tinnitus from it (which now is gone), but my therapist doesn’t even want to consider it, and I felt actually good last summer and at the beginning of my relationship without any drug at all, which made me think I finally won, but I didn’t.
No substance come without a price to pay and I don’t want to feel so bad again with antidepressants.
What to do?
I’m not your therapist and it does sound like you’re doing all the “right” things but from what I read here it seems more like you’re not doing the right things for you. Do you find joy in swimming? In yoga? If not, try a different exercise? Don’t hold back on foods you enjoy just because they’re not “healthy” (in moderation of course). But it sounds like you’re putting a lot of pressure on yourself to do the “right” stuff and just that can burn you out on its own.
I’m definitely not saying give up and go live an unhealthy lifestyle, just maybe don’t punish yourself so much for when you don’t get it “right”. This is me probably reflecting some of my own habits on you, but I know that trying really hard to focus and get everything right is what makes me miserable, so I’m just trying to find a good balance.
I was going to say a mood stabilizer vs an antidepressant. I was where you were five years ago and in 48 hours it was life changing.
Can you tell me more about your story?
Thank you
I don’t have the answer for you, sorry. But I was glad to read
"at least I don’t feel like I want to kill myself all the time like it happened in the past… "
It seems like the pool makes you feel better. So try to make sure you get to treat yourself to things you like.
I’ve heard a lot of people don’t care for antidpressants.
I’ve also heard people say “keep a list of things that make you happy/that you are grateful for” and review it often. But no matter what, I hope things turn around for you and that you feel better.
