(My app doesn’t allow marking posts as NSFW. I don’t know whether this should be considered NSFW or not, but I can’t mark it anyway. I’ll sign in on desktop later, if need be. An admin can also do the courtesy of marking it for me. Thank you, regardless.)
Sorry if this is all a little disorganised.
2025 has been a good year for me, despite everything. I’ve made my first attempts to meet new people, thanks to guidance from people on this very platform, and things are finally looking up. I feel productive and somewhat healthy. I feel like I’m in a position to help others, even though things look bleak for all of us.
Except for one problem.
I use drugs more than any of my friends. I’m the only one who’s done DXM, for instance, and I constantly read about new things to try. I’d do opium, even, given the chance. So, that’s the problem, then. I do drugs.
No. No, it isn’t, actually.
The actual problem is that I put so much effort into research, so much effort into considering what’s actually safe to use, so much effort into making sure I don’t overuse them, so much effort into considering doses, so much effort to make sure it doesn’t impact others negatively, so much effort. That’s despite their history of being upset towards me, and nobody cares. My friends constantly pester me for taking a “dark path”, and every argument I make to try to object to that results in me being called some form of disabled, or immature, or stupid. One outlier online even called me multiple slurs, claiming my actual mental disorders are also completely fake.
Here’s a good question that should be pretty easy to answer. Which one’s hurting me more? The drugs, or the people? Because the problem certainly isn’t the one that actually keeps me in a good, level-headed, sane headspace, that I use with care–and absolutely the one causing me all this mental turmoil in the first place.
Drugs are a human right. I have a right to determine what goes in my body, and I’ve been exceptionally careful, thanks to the help I was never given. I helped myself. I was suicidal, I pursued DIY psychedelic therapy, and now I find myself on a journey that I couldn’t be happier with.
Yet none of that is enough.
Perhaps more science than I’ve provided already will be enough. Maybe the two week break I’m on will satisfy them. Maybe I should spell it out–their drugphobia, and unwillingness to accept different viewpoints, or consider my history, strongly mirrors homophobia and transphobia.
Let me make a point. They all drink alcohol. Alcohol is more addictive, and harmful to the user and others (in the form of drunk driving), and is considerably more dangerous than heroin. Yet, they’ll criticise me for using poppers, despite the fact that poppers are considered safer, according to Drug Science, than any other drug they looked in to. That’s safer than magic mushrooms, possibly the safest drug in existence, arguably. It’s the most widely accepted risk index in the world. Mind you, some of these friends have also used nicotine, too. Also far more dangerous than what I do. I have as well, of course, but I’m considering not using nicotine or alcoholic products ever, not even on occasion. That’s in contrast to them. Alcohol hurts the body, and drinking less simply slows the process. None of the drugs I use have such a long-term negative effect.
I’m also the only one that estimates my BAC with a calculator every time, but whatever. Thanks for that suggestion, S.
They have no right to criticise me for the very same thing they do on a regular basis. We even smoke weed, and nobody has a problem with it. Probably because it’s not taboo enough… anymore.
It’s hypocrisy, because I’ve actually been safer than them, despite using a wider variety of substances.
I have a small handful of people who’ve been actually supportive, including someone I had just met. They applaud me for the effort I’ve put in to stay safe, and I’m glad to have those kind of people in my life. Some of them have been through incredibly rough patches (it seems like these types are the few with empathy, anymore). Some of them are just open minded. Regardless of their background, though, it’s clear that they’re far more empathetic than some of the people in my primary friend group.
I’m angry, and it’s caused by the very people claiming to “help” me. They aren’t helping. They’re outright berating and slandering me, and at this point, I’m considering simply dropping them. However, I’m a productive person, and simply walking away from my problems is unacceptable by my standards. There’s a peaceful resolution to this, and I intend to find it.
I’m not wrong, am I? As much as I’ve been gaslit over the years, I still think I can see through it all–through all the self doubt, all the people who claimed I’d never be enough. Despite all of that, I’m not suicidal, or even depressed.
So please tell me I’m right. Thanks for reading all this, if you did.
You must log in or register to comment.
Drug use is supposed to be celebratory. If your doing them just because you are missing the point. This is where a fun thing becomes an addiction that becomes an excuse to keep trying something different.
Wishing for altered states is natural, it opens the mind and expands consciousness. At a certain point though it becomes a negative feedback loop. You have already passed this point.
That sounds awfully one-sided. End-all-be-all.
Not at all, it is just my informed opinion on the matter and you can take it with a grain of salt.
On the other hand everything you said I have heard many times before. I would be remiss if I didn’t call it as it is. You have the opportunity to “check yourself before you wreck yourself” so please take care. It sounds like you have become toxic and that is probably due to your environment.
I do agree with a lot of what you said. I wish you the best of luck and I encourage you to take a step back and talk with people who care about you for another perspective.
For the record, I am spiritual, and do pursue psychedelics for the sake of healing. As far as enjoyment goes, the only drug I use regularly is cannabis, which has genuinely positive effects on the body. I use others intermittently, on a case by case basis. Then, there’s simple curiosity, which is all encompassing when it comes to this part of me.
I also have a better argument now, which occurred in a random revelation today. Did Steve Irwin’s hobby need to be completely safe? He died doing what he enjoyed, yet nobody (except PETA) criticises him for said hobby. Do the thrill seekers, who walk between skyscrapers, who climb Mount Everest, who swim with sharks, who jump from planes, who all have the same safety precautions that I do–are they wrong for pursuing a hobby with risks associated?
…I’m more laid back. All in all, I’m not the first to have gone down this path. I certainly won’t be the last… given the planet doesn’t end within our lifetimes. None of it has kept me from my job, and paying bills, and doing chores.
I’m also merely a descendant of the hippie movement–the same movement that put human rights in the spotlight, and Martin Luther King Jr. before thousands upon thousands of people. Drugs are human rights as well, as much as that’s been forgotten.
I have no way of separating myself from the others, whose claims that they “know what they’re doing” are mostly hollow. All I can say is that Dominic Milton Trott is an inspiration, and ignoring his warnings would be doing him a great disservice. I promise to be safe.
I’m also making amends with my friends, which goes too deep and personal to explain. You aren’t wrong about me being toxic… there’s some information I’ve held back.
You might consider you are a bit too invested in this part of your life tho?
I once got asked by a friend about her older brother (in his 40s, has a family and child and fully functioning) about him starting smoking a lot of weed. I was asked because I used to have a serious addiction. And so I asked some questions, because doing drugs is not necessarily a sign of anything.
I explained to her that what to watch out for is trying to find a good reason why drugs are not the problem while continuously having problems in relation to them, caused by others or yourself is irrelevant. For example, trying to set up schedules for how much should technically be okay. Maybe glossing over miscalculations and bad experiences, trying the same things in different ways over and over. Basically, trying to really, really control something so much it takes up a very large part of your thoughts and time.
Now look I don’t know you but from your post, you spend a lot of time thinking about drugs. If you do them often or not right now is not the question, how much time revolves around drugs and how important are they to you?
A two week break is no break and doesn’t prove anything btw, and your friends being unsafe drinkers is not making anything you may or may not do better. Sure they are probably hypocrites and it doesn’t sound like anything they are saying to you is helpful in any way, I agree on that. But maybe if one of them spent this much energy thinking about alcohol they would probably be called alcoholics?
I’m autistic and hyperfixate. I’m too invested in everything. I do a lot of reading, but not nearly as much actual doing. Research is what takes up a majority of my time.
Drugs have not disrupted my life. I come in to work every day, and I’m rarely ever drained, and it’s never been a problem if I was–it’s worth noting I don’t drink caffeine at all. What is disrupting, however, is being told I’m not an adult enough to manage myself. It’s mentally degrading, and, if anything, encourages higher use. Despite that, my use is currently at zero.
I’m working on a scheduling system to manage what days I can use specific drugs, how often they should be used, and what not to take for a safe time afterward (see DXM and MAOIs, which are extremely harmful in conjunction, and both stay in the system for a long time). This ensures sensible consumption, rather than going by feeling. I use PsychonautWiki’s Journal app to log usage and experience as well.
Alright, I am also autistic so I can understand your argument. I do the same but I also do my best these days to remember to “breathe” mentally so I don’t get too invested in things and get isolated.
I am not saying you have a problem, I don’t know you :) I just know that addiction generally is not only about how much you take and a lot about how you relate to and think about something. Of course, this is for psychological addictions, not physical. I experienced both and physical is way more terrifying, but just be aware that too many miscalculations can land you in physical addiction.
What let me keep using so long was that I was organized about it, so while friends died in overdoses or lost it and got arrested and attention which forced them stopping in some cases I didn’t until a very long time in, at which point all the schedules and management in the world were not enough anymore and I lost it too. So just keep in mind that being so organized is good but you are betting a lot on your ability to make the correct calculations and if they are wrong that is a big bet to lose.
Still you do you, it is your body after all and you do what you want with yourself!
Haha, you are right and you know it. You need validation, and you’ll get it here.
I think you might be neurodivergent, but your friends are not. You’re an independent thinker , quite logical, & you stick to your principles. You have to have it right. Self doubt & seeing through bullshit are also giveaways.
Drug use is reasonable because you can reason so. Those who arrived at ‘drugs bad’ arrived because of social conditioning, not because they reasoned into that position. Therefore, you can’t reason them out of that position.
Stop trying to convince your ‘friends’ and do what your independent intelligence & gut instincts tell you.
Yeah, this isn’t an “am I the asshole?” post. I’m also fully aware I’m neurodivergent. I avoid medication, though, for obvious reasons. I’ve found other solutions that don’t involve dependence, which is why I’m grateful to have gone on this side quest.
I’m honestly bad at arguing. It might be a reason they distrust me. I often respond progressively angrier over time, which stems from a long history of finding myself in the wrong spaces, justifying myself to people who simply do not care.
I’ve become extremely defensive because of it.
The only thing that matters is that I’m not suicidal, depressed, or even addicted–in the face of a hard life, a world bordering on collapse, and other internal issues like gender dysphoria and plurality. By all means, I’m strong as fuck, and I use that maturity to stand for people who aren’t so fortunate.
Even if they never agree, my actions will always be a better judge of character.
Your anger & defensiveness are understandable & valid. I’ve come to accept that I can’t convince most neurotypical people of jack shit because they are too hard wired into their individual and lack self-awareness / intelligence / will / curiosity to see things clearly. And they have no issue attacking your character if you question their opinion or ask them to reflect / reason.
One of my favourite resources!
I don’t have much to say then, you are all good, as long as you make your research and respect yourself, drug are an experience and experience are temporary. Be careful with yourself buddy, i would hate it if those experiement end up being permanent for you.
Be open with your friends, they might not know what you are talking about, but they are talking about your wellbeing which mean they care about you, maybe it’s not the kind of care you want.
Obviously peer pressure =/= caring
I would worry about a friend doing drugs, except occasional psychedelics. I wouldn’t insult them, but I would worry. And even the psychedelics I would worry about the legal risk here. And would honestly worry about your obsessive approach to them.
I would also worry about anyone drinking too much.
Your friends are wrong, it’s counterproductive to insult or demean you for the drug use, it is both rude and unhelpful. Even if they aren’t wrong to worry about you, it is your life to live, and you aren’t hurting anyone else, they could calmly explain whatever their worries are and leave it at that.
Am I doing a large volume of new drugs in a short period of time? Yes, I just turned 21. Am I doing a large volume of drugs in a short period of time, though? No. They should be worried, but they should also stop shooting me down as soon as I open my mouth. I’m adhering to even stronger safety precautions than I have in the past.
Let’s be fair to them, though. For some perspective, here’s what I’ve done recently, and people can judge whether I’m doing too much or not:
Salvia Divinorum - Snake oil. Genuinely. Legal in some places. I’m making a tier list, and this one sits in a tier exclusive to “absolute perfection”. This controversial herb has somehow become the most positive substance I’ve ever encountered. Its effect profile somehow resonates perfectly with me. It’s safe to use frequently, unlike all other psychedelics, it has a weird mechanism of action, and it has a reverse tolerance–it gets stronger with use, albeit slowly. When vaped, effects fade in minutes, meaning you’re never in for a long nightmare… until breakthrough doses. We’ll get there–and not from a lack of trying already. You can also quid the leaves for a longer duration, like psilocybin, but a little shorter, more dissociative, less visuals. Also less introspective, but it’s astonishingly uplifting. The GOAT.
7-Hydroxymitragynine - Kratom was a bit ago, but this isolated compound is safe to do in higher doses without adverse effects. I assume it does, in fact, feel like an actual opiate. It’s… great, actually. I’ve not done it in about two weeks, though. It’s a favourite now. Better than kratom, but pricey.
DXM - A friend was super enthusiastic about this one. I understood it was a drug used by desperate teenagers to get high, resulting in throwing up and being a miserable time. However, as it turns out, DXM is mixed with other ingredients that are unsafe in high doses… but DXM is actually safe by itself. Duh. Anyways, it turns out it’s ridiculously easy, at this point in time, to have a long, arguably better-than-ketamine trip, under the age of 18, LEGALLY. Go find pure tablets and syrup online, it’s astonishing how easy it is.
Damiana - This cute, yellow flowering herb is popular in the US south. When smoked, it’s a pleasant, gentle time, not unlike a low dose of cannabis. It’s also brewed into non-alcoholic drinks and teas. Why do people even smoke tobacco anymore, when this has existed for ages? I honestly can’t wait until nicotine earns the Schedule I status it deserves.
Kava Kava - I haven’t ordered any, outside of a liquid shot. It reads like objectively safer and better alcohol. If it’s that good, fuck alcohol. It seems like it is.
Nitrites - Look, the gay drug! This one’s a bit hit or miss, but I’ve found out how to use them. Poppers are safer than mushrooms, as it would turn out. They’re okay.
Nitrous - From whipped cream. No noteworthy effects to speak of, and I’m not buying a whole setup to just try it once. Too much bodily harm, for what it’s worth. Fail.
LSA, Hawaiian Baby Woodrose Seeds - Utter failure. I tried for effects three different times, following instructions, and had no luck. Seeds not treated, from a widely trusted source. Oh well…
And here’s the roadmap, two weeks from now, and well beyond:
Ayahuasca - God help us all.
Changa - God help us all 2, electric boogaloo.
No, actually. Ayahuasca is an attempt at many things. I’m a therian, which is my form of spirituality, and I’d like to explore it. I have aphantasia, an inability to imagine, which is really degrading me, and I’m hoping it might be a cure. Then there’s my germophobia and ARFID, which I hope it helps with as others have. Changa is simply a harder-to-make and shorter form. A little more recreational than the absolute summit that is Ayahuasca. I dare not use a lower case name–She demands and deserves respect.
Wild Dagga - A most beautiful plant. It looks visually interesting, with a bright orange pop, and is named Lion’s Tail for its shape. I got an extract that I intend to use to supplement and potentiate cannabis with. It’s good by itself, though.
Kanna - Sometimes called “nature’s MDMA”. We’ll see about that.
Blue Lotus - Don’t know what to expect. It’s an important staple in Egyptian history.
Mugwort - This one’s an oneirogen. It potentiates lucid dreaming, which was something I tried a long time ago, and failed. Maybe this time. Could even help with aphantasia?
Ketamine - Either safer or more dangerous, better or worse, than DXM. I just want to compare apples to apples. Not in a rush, though.
Opium - Scary, but I know what I’m doing.
Mescaline/2C-B - Kind of interchangeable. Mescaline is proving to be a sourcing option, as far as legal options goes. I also just can’t find out how to work with peyote.
THCP - It’s the first specific THC compound I’ve specifically sought out, and I’ll be using it to hopefully make vape carts more viable. It’s subjectively 5-10x stronger than THC, but otherwise identical.
Amanita Muscaria - A currently legal mushroom that I can’t quite get a proper understanding of, apart from the safe dose of a single cap. Some say psychedelic, others say it’s like alcohol… I’ll be ready for anything. It’ll probably end my sober break this March.
Methaqualone - THE BIG MAN IS BACK! Where the hell do I find this one, and why is The Big Man so enthusiastic about it? Hypnotic sedative? Yay, I get sleepy? Apparently popular in South Africa, and I’ve wanted to visit. Hmm…
So I’ve done a lot of reading, and I feel like I’ve proven I know what I’m doing, even though this is my current primary interest.
for much of my life, i have had a similar approach as yours. i have used many of the substances in this list and also many that you have not listed.
overall, i would say that the legal stuff is legal because it sucks. legal drugs are usually a shitty high, or difficult to consume properly, or of dubious benefit… simply not worth the expense nor the effort… nor the social isolation, nor the heartache.
i am not defending your friends’ perspective. but i don’t think you will find what you are looking for (i certainly didn’t).
I agree. However, I’ve had success with legal drugs. I don’t stop at “it’s legal, and therefore worth trying”. See synthetic cannabinoids–yikes. Then there’s the whole Benadryl trend, and just… don’t. However, my criteria goes well beyond “it gets you high”. Therefore, I’ve had a great time with the vast majority of substances I’ve used. Cross referencing PsychonautWiki, The Drug User’s Bible, Erowid and Wikipedia has proven a great method. I also look into historical significance, which most would never consider. At least, from what I’ve seen.
Indeed, there are some flops, like yohimbe, but even that provided value. Few and far between. When it happens, I don’t let it get me down.
your response lends me to believe that you think i have mis-assessed your intentions (“doesn’t stop at” “goes well beyond”).
i have understood. i am telling you that i have been through all of it (25 years your senior), including the negative judgments from friends and family. and while i have certainly had some (few and far between) successes, i caution you that you will not find what you are looking for. and you may be risking more than you think.
good luck.
I’ll actually make a followup, and reply here. Might be a while.
I’m sorry I know this isn’t the main point of your post or anything, but since you’ve written it out, I have a question.
I’ve occasionally been seeing “kava bars” pop up around me. I assumed it was just some sort of a placebo tea thing tbh. Do the effects actually feel akin to alcohol to you?
Kava is a depressant, same class as alcohol. It’s widely hailed as a great social drug, just as alcohol is. Dominic Milton Trott, author of the well-respected Drug User’s Bible, gave it a good review. There’s a mountain enough of evidence (and history in Asia) proving that it is a nice time. Should be more popular. I had a kava shot, but I kind of did other stuff at the same time. Couldn’t tell the effects apart… oops.
It’s consistently stated that it’s similar to alcohol, with less nausea, and no hangover. It’s even quite healthy when used in moderation.
Try actual root powder from Kona Kava Farm, a reputable manufacturer.
Interesting, thanks.
Remember to do your own research! I don’t know your underlying conditions, and I am but a stranger on the internet. Make sure you have enough information you’re satisfied with.
I changed both my friends and stopped doing a shit load of blow and heavy drinking every few days over the past year and a half. The group did way too much so i saw it as a package deal. I learned that they werent really my good friends either, more superficial about partying.
Not an addict. I’m currently on a break, in fact.
I would leave as well, especially if they ignored my concerns, but I’ve never even touched cocaine. I asked once, and was declined. Not interested these days. I’m honestly not the “party hard” type, either. I know a friend (online) who does pretty wild drug combinations, but I’ve always stayed away from that. I honestly don’t judge them, though. They’re a good person, and it’s their life.
I’ve actually slipped up exactly once. I used 5-HTP (a single capsule) after using DXM, and it’s an OTC dietary supplement that I’d hoped would help with any hangover effects that manifested. It was suggested multiple times on certain forums, and it’s also used to help with MDMA. Clearly, I didn’t do enough research, though, because DXM stays in the system far longer than I had realised, and it doesn’t like other serotonergics… which 5-HTP is. Serotonin is also known as 5-HT. The thing is, I didn’t realise DXM was strongly serotonergic, and no guides I found stated so clearly enough for me to realise, so… oops. MDMA is also serotonergic, but it leaves the system a lot faster, apparently.
The DXM hangover isn’t even bad. Alcohol is much worse. Pointless risk, so my bad.
Still, I’ve seen some instances of my friends go pretty overboard, which I can honestly say I’ve never done. There exists a healthy middle ground, and that’s where I stay. Prizes don’t exist for the reckless, except possibly some joy… which you don’t need to go overboard to find, and don’t need to cut your life off early to have.
Im a legalization of victimless crimes type so I believe it should legal but heavily so much so that in most cases I feel folks should not be allowed to be under the influence unless at a private residence or at a business licensed for it or in a conveyance licensed for it. I also hate how much advertising is allowed with most legalization where I feel adult things should only be allowed in adult establishments (including adult websites) and not on outside billboards or regular media and such. None of that helps with your thing though so sorry your post just wanted me to share. I guess basically if your being a productive member of society and are not under the influence in public spaces it would be fine to me honestly. Ugh just to mention another pet peeve I hate most uses of the nsfw mark anyway. Perusing any social media at work to me is like masturbating at work (to take it down a notch like watching a movie or tv show when you should be working). Probably not a good idea. I mean if its specific to your business or maybe business in general like linkedin or even slashdot if your in tech or facebook if your in marketing. Of if you need a background video then something talking about coding or ITIL or something. Then like yeah. otherwise though. common. If your not at work and the community is not specifically for kids then it should only be used for massively pornographic or graphically violent things as to me these are adult areas. If someone can’t handle tough things like drug use or suicide talk even for a bit to then close the convo or such. I dunno if they should be online at all. Even spoilers I think if some writes a spoiler is coming in their post then the person should have enough time to back off because they are reading that its coming down the line.
I’m okay with people using drugs in public as long as they aren’t a nuisance. That means:
- No smoking, vaping is fine as long as it’s low volume (try a ball vape or less strong herbs that produce minimal vapour, like damiana and salvia). I especially hate the littering from cigarettes.
- If you choose to do psychedelics, or strong edibles, or such, you accept responsibility for your actions if you become a disturbance.
- Just make sure it’s for a good reason, beyond just needing to be high to be in public.
- Don’t make a habit out of it.
My first time on mushrooms was in a restaurant. I don’t think anyone noticed. I also kind of didn’t know we were going to one. I was level headed enough to be fine with it, it wasn’t a strong dose. Never again, though. If you want to do mushrooms on a nature trail, on the other hand, all the power to you.
I agree with the NSFW argument. I just wanted to be safe.
yeah thats more how I would like society to deal with it. you under the influence in public and and get caught and you can expect to get ticketed. likely there is going to be some but it should be enough that the streets aren’t filled with douches and folks will be trying to hide it and be on best behaviour.
