So, self labels.

External labels are bullshit. But self labels matter because they’re part of self discovery. We live in a cis-hetero world. We’re all raised with that at the default. Finding new words gives us all a new map in our brains, new ways of thinking as we’re exposed to the ideas those words represent. It’s easy to say “just like what you like”, and there’s truth behind that idea too.

But, that’s an idea you reach as you grow and learn. Maybe some day there won’t be a default, though I suspect nobody currently alive will see that day since it takes generations for shifts that big to happen.

So, labels have their place and use.

As an example, imagine growing up fifty years ago. The idea of romantic attraction and sexual attraction being distinct, separate parts of a person’s makeup was not a thing people realized. Imagine being omniromantic, but heterosexual. Imagine loving a man, deeply enough that once gay marriage became legal, it was a real option.

But, all that time, sexual incompatibility was an issue. One that led to strife and an eventual breakup.

That’s the story of one of my cousins. It isn’t a hypothetical. He has said now, as has his ex partner, that if they had had the concept of omni/pan at all, it would have helped. And, if they had known that romantic and sexual attraction aren’t always linked, they might have found a way to stay together, or have broken up sooner and gone through less pain.

Niche? Absolutely. But language is more than just a way to coordinate a hunt. As we learn, it lays down maps in our brain that we use to navigate everything. That includes our love lives.

Language is also about communication though. It applies to dating, sex, and partnerships via communicating with the people we’re compatible with. If you’re looking for a man with a penis, it sure as heck helps to have words for men, and penises.

Having a word that states “I am sexually attracted to any gender, but not to a specific gender presentation” really helps when someone is trying to see if you’re compatible. So, favoring having the word “pansexual” as shorthand is pretty damn useful. That would allow you and any person you’re talking to you know, from the beginning, that there will or won’t be a compatibility issue, and everyone can handle the situation like compassionate and friendly adults.

All of that is to recognize that what you’re asking matters. It can’t be dismissed as “just be with who you want”. When you’re past the point where labels are useful to you, you’ll just be with who you like, and that’s it. But we all use labels. They’re useful. They have a role. So asking about them is perfectly valid and useful too.

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So, are you pan, omni, or bi?

Bisexual may or may not include people that don’t present as distinct expressions of the binary, but usually has a preference for binary presentation to some degree or another.

Pan and omni are two other sides to the multi-sided multi-attractive polyhedron of attraction. They’re essentially identical except for one aspect.

Pan has no distinct connection to gender presentation at all. They’ll be attracted to any combination of gender, regardless of presentation or genitals/secondary sexual characteristics.

Omni has connection to presentation. They don’t necessarily prefer any given presentation or gender combination, but they are attracted to presentation as part of the person rather than it being irrelevant. They also do care about secondary sexual characteristics, though only as part of the individual rather than as an exclusion.

It’s a razor thin distinction, but it does exist. Knowing it about oneself can help figure out who you’re attracted to, why you are or aren’t attracted to an individual, and when looking for potential partners.

Tbh, my grasp of all the pan/omni stuff is essentially second or third hand, since other than not excluding anyone as a matter of principle, I’ve never experienced sexual or romantic attraction to anyone that isn’t a woman. I’m hetero. I don’t reject the possibility of attraction to another man in theory, and I’ve definitely run into situations where a man that’s sufficiently able to present as a woman by heteronormative standards pinged on my radar as attractive, if not attractive to me.

Which isn’t entirely tangential. It’s relevant to your situation because you have experienced a full attraction to a woman. You also state that your love wouldn’t disappear if a partner transitioned. So, as you said, you aren’t at the extreme hetero end of that binary. There’s no exclusivity.

However, I do think that omni would fit your self labeling better than bi or pan. You do factor presentation into things, just not as the exclusionary or primary factor.

Thing is, you’re also functionally hetero (the way you phrased things implies you’re a woman, this isn’t a blind assumption, but if I’m wrong, just switch terms out). You know you can be attract to women, but it isn’t something that’s going to be part of any active search for a partner. It would be something that if it happened, great, but you’d likely have to dismiss large numbers of women before you found someone that “sparked”. In practice, that amounts to being hetero for the purposes of dating apps and other “ISO” use cases.

In day to day life, it makes sense to acknowledge the self label of pan/omni, and even discuss it. But if you’re being set up on dates, or using an app, or whatever, it has next to no use. It’s just a numbers thing.