Oh, I’m not doing my part? Buddy, this is my Olympics. I have trained for years, honed my skills in countless pointless debates, and wasted entire afternoons crafting the perfect comeback that no one will ever read (ahem). I have gone to war over movie plot holes, fast food rankings, and whether a hot dog is a sandwich. This is my domain.

I’ve had arguments so long they’ve outlived the original post. I’ve been downvoted into oblivion and risen from the ashes like a phoenix of pettiness. I have screenshotted my own comments just in case someone deletes theirs and tries to gaslight me into thinking I imagined the whole thing. Upvotes may be meaningless, but by god, I treat it like my net worth.

I am exceptional at this. I will argue about arguing until this thread collapses in on itself. I will dissect your comment word for word, find a typo, and use it to claim total victory. I will overcommit to a joke argument just to see how far I can take it.

This is my life’s work. This is my calling. And I will not let you disrespect my craft. >:(