I don’t mean to be a downer, but this is a Boomer meme.
Wife bad
Removed by mod
How many women do you know who marry men who make less than they?
I know a small handful, they do exist
Yeah but it’s actually relatable. I wasn’t even married and I went through something like this
Only boomers have bad marriages? Or is it because someone who was famous before you were born should never be shown in a meme?
Or is it boomer because you don’t get it?
Thinking all the shit is his instead of martial assets to be equally split. Is some wife bad boomer humor is I believe the point.
Uhhh, I’m a Xennial and this hits hard. I am basically paying for her mortgage with the amount of money I have to give my ex every month. She has always had zero ambition, so I was always getting raises, and by the time we split, our finances were in two very different places, so the court said I have the luxury of paying her monthly just to be rid of her.
You got screwed then if you’re in the usa, spousal alimony is basically non-existent. Most states don’t have it anymore and those that do have it for about a year.
I got screwed too, because we have a child. If he has one, he is screwed until the kid finishes college or is 25 yo.
He also pays in full even if he has 50% custody. Here in america, woman good man bad.
Certainly it sounds like you’re bad.
It’s your kid, why shouldn’t you be happily paying for his or her life?
I’m well aware of how screwed I got… I’m hoping that in the next year or so I’ll be able to re-litigate with a different lawyer. I was so desperate to get out of that marriage, I took some bad advice.
My biggest problem is that my life hasn’t been the most stable since I left her. The sick amount of money I have to give her every month certainly hasn’t helped.
Does she work? What state are you in? You shouldn’t be paying her at all really. Alimony has really lost its teeth in the last 10 years.
Should it matter?
I don’t know OP situation so I’ll reserve some judgment. However, I’m really tired of rhetoric about how alimony is always some evil scheme made to specifically destroy men in divorces.
When people get married, often times one of them gives up their job and start performing unpaid labor. Sometimes neither of them give up their jobs, and one of them still has the majority of household burdens forced onto them, affecting their career and performance.
Alimony is a form of compensation for the unpaid labor and it’s impact on that person’s career. More often than not, when people say ‘my ex wife is taking all my money’, what they are really saying is ‘I deserved free labor at the expense of my ex wife’.
Granted, it’s possible that OP could be a domestic abuse victim in which case alimony is a whole other form of fucked up. But if that’s not the case, then please stop.
Being in a divorce currently, I have noticed a few things that aren’t talked about that I think lead to these memes being so popular.
Divorce laws vary a lot from location to location, in the US they are all state level laws. Not all state level divorce laws are fair to both parties, it seems to get worse if children are involved (some states have recently been adding laws that state 50/50 custody must be the assumed starting point because it hasn’t been).
Even if the divorce laws are written to be fair to both parties in theory, at least in my state, the judge has the flexibility to rule in ways that may seem or even be unfair (what is equatable is complicated).
Even if the judge would or does rule fairly on all issues presented to them, the lawyers (if the parties can even afford lawyers) may be perpetuating gender biases in divorces as well. So the issues may never even reach the judge and just be settled by an “agreement” between the parties pushed by the lawyers.
Most divorces settle, maybe even on terms that heavily favor one party, because going to trial is a lot of money. Lawyers know this and have “games” they can play. like 60%-70% of assets to one party is still cheaper in theory than going to trial for the other party, so they hold that line in negotiations and your own lawyer will push for you to agree to terms like that as a cost/benefit analysis exercise.
Even if none of that happened and it was fair the whole way through, it is a very complex emotional time, and men often don’t have the same level of social support to vent to.
Telling people to stop unless they are in some level of extreme situation is really toxic. People need to vent and be able to talk about what they are going through.
I didn’t tell them to stop venting. I’m telling them not to use phrasing such as ‘taking all MY hard earned money’ which implies that free spousal labor is not a meaningful contribution and dismisses the value of unpaid labor that billions of spouses, mostly women, contribute to the economy.
What’s toxic is how you use your claims of toxicity to dismiss the very real issues of men downplaying the importance of unpaid labor in marriages and divorce.
Venting isn’t an excuse for sexism. Please stop conflating healthy emotional expression with discriminatory language, and then claim toxicity when that gets called out.
There was no reference to alamony or spousal support in the post, but I tend to see that “taking all my money” phase because of un-equilal division of assets. The post implies they feel there was an un-equilal division, but suggests they are in a better state now that the ex is out of their life despite that, which is a relatively healthy expression for what they are going/have gone through.
Where I am, non-financial spousal contributions are taken seriously and is seen as important as any other form of contribute to the marriage. I know that isn’t the case everywhere and if you experienced your non-financial contributions being downplayed, I am sorry.
Telling people to stop, is sweeping issues under the rug that should be, and need to be talked about. I do agree non-financial contributions get downplayed, it’s shitty that it still happens.
Never said venting was an excuse or the way this venting was happening was perfectly healthy, but that it is necessary to allow people to vent and telling people to stop isn’t healthy.
Again, I never said to stop venting. I said to stop diminishing the value of unpaid labor.
Whether OP was referring to alimony or assets. It doesn’t matter. It’s the same general sentiment the vast majority of people have over divorce, which is that the party performing unpaid labor doesn’t deserve to be compensated.
To dismiss this is as a non-issue is incredibly invalidating to people who have suffered as a result of unpaid labor ruining their career and livelihoods. This rhetoric of divorcees who were not holding a job deserves nothing is exactly the stigma that spouses performing domestic labor is subjected to, and what encourages people to attack divorcees over.
Telling people that this isn’t a real problem is not only unhealthy, but actively perpetuates the stigma against domestic laborers are their perceived ‘lack of contribution’ to the economy when the truth is that world runs on the backs of unpaid labor.
So my ex taking alimony despite doing nothing but sitting around the house and playing video games all day for 10 years is fair? You don’t know everyone’s situation or why they view it as their money.
And when I say “doing nothing but sit around and play video games for 10 years,” I genuinely mean that. Wouldn’t get a job, never did housework, I always had to come home from a 10-hour day and clean up the house because she said she would and didn’t.
Maybe not all of your ideaz are winners, Rachel.
When I was in college, this weird dude started just hanging around us. No one really knew where he came from since he wasn’t in any of our classes, but yet there he was. He liked to tell us things like how he hated crowds and would get agitated on city buses. He told us this while on a city bus. One day, he explains to me that if you loan someone $20, and you never see that person again, you were a sucker that was out $20. A few weeks later, he asked to borrow $20 from me. I loaned it to him because why not. I never saw him again. Apparently he did this to a few of us. Still the best $20 I ever spent.
Sometimes it’s not about the money, it’s about what the money gets you in return.
Shouldn’t of got married if this was how you felt.
Yes because I knew the whole time we were gonna split in a couple years and she’d take half my shit.
Except when you get married it’s both of your shit. That’s the whole agreement. It’s shared shit. Don’t like it don’t enter the legal agreement, or get a prenump. Thinking you get to leave the marriage with more than half the martial assets because it’s somehow yours is just some boomer sexist crap.
In the eyes of the state, you are entering into a 50/50 business partnership. All assets become shared by the new legal entity. That’s what marriage does. If you don’t like this, don’t get married. Doesn’t matter if one of you is more successful or contributes more, you are adding to the value of the shared entity.
That’s not quite right. Preexisting assets kept separately don’t just become marital assets. If you owned a home prior to the marriage and you then live there together, it almost certainly would be considered a marital property.
But certainly every dollar you make or asset you acquire while married counts.
Because every marriage starts with “I know you’re gonna fuck this up, but let’s do this”
I Get the impression you have a really narrow and extra chromosome styled view on real life situations you’ve never had to deal with, eh?
So, a roundabout way to call someone retarded really solid point, not toxic at all. You didn’t actually use the word so it’s fine.
Shouldn’t have made this comment if you didn’t want to get called a retard.
Divorces are rough, but things do get better. I’m 4-5 years out since mine and I’ve never been happier, it was worth every penny spent.
I keep seeing this and stuff, but being 37 before things get better sounds awful.
That being said, I’m certainly miserable right now, and I certainly can’t stay that way for my son. We’re just starting on the financial agreements, and lord am I going to have to change my lifestyle
The first year was the roughest as I adapted to the new normal. The second year was all about rediscovering myself as an individual. It was somewhere during that second year that I began feeling happier, and in the years since then that happiness has multiplied.
If I can offer some advice, don’t go out and make any major life decisions for the next year or so. You probably won’t be thinking soundly for awhile and don’t want to do anything major you’ll regret once you are. Secondly don’t go running off looking for another long-term serious relationship, you will need some time to rediscover who you are as an individual as people have a tendency to lose that sense of self during long relationships. I made both these common mistakes, and they’re among the few things I’ve done that I regret in my life.
Lastly remember what you’re doing is probably the best thing for your son as every study I’ve ever read says children are better off with two happy parents who are divorced over those who have unhappy parents who stayed together for the child’s sake.
Stay strong. Your world is being shaken up right now, but things will settle down and once you’re on the otherside you will likely realize, like me, that you’re happier. Best of luck.
Thank you for the advice. The relationship thing I can see, I have 15+ years of stuff to unpack.
And the part about my son having a better life after the divorce, I see how it will benefit him. That’s going to be my anchor to get through this. He won’t be happy, obviously, when he learns about it, but we’re doing it with a full plan, and introducing it with his therapist when the plan is ready.
I hate to break it to you, but if you’re watching her spend your money, she’s still a part of your life 😬
You can really tell by the replies the people who have been through a divorce and those who have not. IYKYK
Son, i have some bad news. Are you sitting? Ok. She migjt keep coming at you for money, and she might take you to court repeatedly with disruptive claims. The court will not care, and will not penalize her for frivolous claims. She might find a judge who will give her what she wants.
Sorry to be the bearer of bad news.
My wife left me, I lost everything.
But I got to keep our dog.
So, that’s a win.
