I really struggle to make friends and being an adult trying to make friends is even worse than when I was a kid in school.

It appeared that I had made a friend but they turned out to be kinda toxic. I made mistakes too but I never tried to hurt them or manipulate them. They’ve made me feel like they’re embarrassed to know me. Like our friendship had to be a secret.

Now, I finally managed piss them off that they don’t want to talk to me anymore. Part of me is glad but part of me feels lonely. Very lonely.

I’ve been in a long distance relationship for quite some time now and we are waiting for her to finish school next spring before we move in together. It’s difficult for me to think that’s really going to happen. She reassures me often that it will.

I should be happy with that but nothing beats seeing a friend face-to-face regularly and talking to each other.

I feel sad and lonely and selfish. I don’t want to hurt myself but I do kinda wish I was dead.

  • harrys_balzac@lemmy.dbzer0.comOPEnglish
    7·
    2 days ago

    I really do appreciate your response.

    I have been limiting myself unconsciously - again - and ended up paying for it. I was so desperate for a friendship that I ignored some reddish flags and attempted to navigate them once they were obviously red.

    Those negative voices that tell me I’m not good enough to have friends and that I’m unlovable won.

    I didn’t mean to upset them so much but I’m glad I did. They were treating me like garbage at times and I am better than that.

    Your points regarding the examples of friendship we have are spot on. I was running on a sort of autopilot that was programmed by poor parenting (I’m being generous here) and unrealistic media.

    I have a lot of work to do on myself but I know that I can find people that I can bring into my life to some degree that will help me overcome that loneliness and maybe even help each other be better.

    • southsamurai@sh.itjust.worksEnglish
      5·
      2 days ago

      For my end of things, I found that shifting to focusing on understanding myself, living life, and being open to people possibly being friends ended up with more lasting friendships of any degree.

      There’s a bit of magic in accepting one’s self, and accepting others with minimum preconceptions, and without expectations on them, without hoping they’ll meet expectations. It’s kind of a buddhist like thing; by letting go of the attachment to the idea of finding friends and what that means, it allows space for friendships to take root and grow.

      • harrys_balzac@lemmy.dbzer0.comOPEnglish
        3·
        2 days ago

        I see what you mean.

        I honestly need to work on slowing down - being more mindful. I have very bad ADHD and even with good medication, I struggle to stop and think before acting.

        That definitely doesn’t help. The medicine helps but I have not been putting in the work often enough to be less reactive and random.

        Also - I’ve made progress over the past few years in accepting myself. I still want to blame myself 100% for everything though and I still allow my desire to improve to feed the negative self-talk.

        I appreciate your response and for reminding me of things that can help.