I have a problem with establishing boundaries.
I’m a private person. That’s very often misinterpreted as being arrogant and feeling superior to others. I’m not, I just wish to be left alone, but people still feel disrespected and it’s tiring to be constantly explaining yourself. And I don’t understand why I have to explain myself constantly.
This very emotional and thankful patient wanted a picture with me and I stupidly agreed. He also wanted my phone number (I gave him a false one) to invite me to have lunch, as he celebrated his 70th birthday. I don’t believe it was sexual or romantic, because he is married, his wife was there when he extended the invitation and took the picture and he also wanted to invite the whole unit.
I acted like this because it was the easiest way to get him to leave the hospital and free the room but also because I didn’t want to cause a scene.
What could I do next time?
If this only happens at work, then you can say, “Sorry, that’s against my department’s policy. We’ve had some incidents and my boss told us not to.”
“ I appreciate the invitation but I have a policy to not meet patients outside of work or take photos with patients.”
(And, probably, so does the hospital, at least for the meeting people outside work,)
If they need more, a “it makes me feel uncomfortable.” And walk away before they make it weird.
Whatever you do, don’t blame policies at the hospital because other staff probably are okay with it, and/or they’ll bitch at management who will respond with a “that’s not true….” Or something.
Once you’re outed it’s just gonna get weirder.
Maybe there is such a policy. Doesn’t hurt to check.
If there really is a policy about it, then that’s all that needs to be said, of course.
I sort of imagine there is a policy about dating/romantic/otherwise intimate relationships with patients, but also imagine that as described there’s no specific policy, if that makes sense.
Thank you, that’s very kind, but for professional ethics reasons I’ll have to decline your offer.
I think it’s also perfectly reasonable to say the truth instead, and replace “professional ethics” with “personal”.
If they are appreciative of you, and don’t truly want to do whatever it is that makes you the most comfortable or happy, they should be exposed to a learning opportunity.
If they get offended. Maybe they eventually figure out that, just maybe, you shouldn’t express gratitude with selfishness.
Anyways. That’s ny two cents. Say it as it is.
“I appreciate the kindness and am happy for your excitement and recovery, but no thank you. I don’t like to have my picture taken.”
“Thank you, but unfortunately the hospital/medical place doesn’t allow me to do that/accept an invite” ?
Sounds like you had a wonderful patient who was grateful for you doing your craft. Do a compliment sandwich, but do it sincerely.
Complement Boundary Complement
“Oh my. I’m flattered. Thank you, but I’m not comfortable with that right now. You’ve been a wonderful patient and I enjoyed working with you too.”
This is just an example of the compliment sandwich structure and you should adjust the wording to serve you.
As for the phone number, just tell him that you were doing your job and seeing him better is all the reward you need. Again, adjust the wording for your truth.
I agree, and you can explain that it’s not personal, and offer an alternative -if you want- write a note as a memento or something
I don’t think extra politeness is going to help you much here. If you don’t do what they ask you to do and they don’t understand why, they’ll probably assume you’re being rude, no matter which words or tone you choose.
You don’t need to explain yourself. Others need to learn to respect your choices about yourself. Yes, it’s tiring. It’s their fault, but partly your problem.
Your responsibility ends with “Thank you, but no.” Unfortunately, some people will feel hurt by this, no matter how cheerily you say it, because they simply don’t expect it. They will tell themselves that you are not being genuine by trying to both remain friendly and deny their request. You can’t change this; only they can choose to interpret your response differently. And most people never try this. Instead they merely expect you to be agreeable and do what they want you to do.
If you want to establish your boundaries, then you need to practise letting them feel hurt and not feeling responsible for it. This is one reason I meditate.
Peace.
If youre someone without a care for people or just plain socially inept then sure your advice can work.
All it takes is some social competency to understand how to politely reject someone even if it means changing your wording and tone.
You failed just now, so why would someone take your opinion about this seriously? (If this bothers you, then try reading it again in a cheerier tone. Oh! That didn’t help? Strange.)
You’re right they didn’t say it very nicely, but they are correct in a sense. You may need to use the “polite but firm card” if they aren’t taking no for an answer, but it doesn’t hurt to soften the rejection if you are saying no to a picture with a patient or someone else that you cared for. Many people will respect that, and the niceness goes a long way. And if they don’t respect it, you don’t owe them anything.
Yes. Of course. I fail to see where I suggested not softening the rejection. 🤷♂️
I write “You can’t make them take your no for an answer, they have to choose to do that. It’s not a matter of politeness and it’s not your responsibility.” and people draw conclusions based on facts not in evidence. That. Is. My. Point. Whatever you try to do, they’ll find a way to find you rude, so don’t take responsibility for that.
Moreover, let’s also remember that a less-polite “no” is still a “no”, and people need to learn to respect those, too. A sharper “no” is very often the result of 100 attempts to be polite and still be considered rude.
I am a bit of a shy person and being on spotlight could make me uncomfortable. A simple thank you is enough to brighten my day
I also get that sort of feedback, turned out I’m autistic.
I would go with something along the lines of: “I’m really not a fan of pictures”, and when it comes to such an invite, “That’s very kind of you, I’ll see if I have time” (if you want to let them down lightly).
I’ve used the last one before, and had people (naturally) ask me again if I already know if I have time a day or a few days later.
"I have a problem with establishing boundaries.
I’m a private person. That’s very often misinterpreted as being arrogant and feeling superior to others. I’m not, I just wish to be left alone, but people still feel disrespected and it’s tiring to be constantly explaining yourself. And I don’t understand why I have to explain myself constantly."
Maybe say something along the lines of this.
I tell people: I’m sorry, I rarely take or appear in photos, it’s not something i’m comfortable with. if they press, I explain that it’s not them, it’s me, and mind their own business.
“Sorry, I don’t get paid enough to afford a phone.” /s
Maybe meet them half way? Let them take your picture but should they ask for your number politely decline. Tell them if you gave your number out to every patient your phone would never stop ringing or tell them it’s against company policy. Either way they will feel better knowing you don’t give your contact info to anybody not just them. Whatever you decide to do i think giving them a fake number is a bad idea
My ex-wife had a real discomfort in being in pictures, so I get it.
Not wanting to give out your number to a random man? yeah, don’t need prior experience with anything to know how disconcerting that would be.
How you treat your patients is a personal thing. Some people take an approach that’s very personable, in which they probably wouldn’t see the harm in being taken out to a meal by their happy patient. Your approach is more professional, in which you’re there to care for them, and leave. That’s the way that helps you maintain your emotional well-being, being able to leave work at work. So in the future, I’d frame it in that way. You may acquiesce to taking a picture every so often, but when it comes to anything further, I’d tell them that you keep your professional and private life separate, and thank them for thinking of you.
