Hi! I (21M) recently developed a lot of tender feelings towards the idea of a particular kind of relationship lately.
For many years, I knew that I was heterosexual, but I never felt any romantic spark that made me want to actually pursue a relationship. Eventually, I assumed that I wasn’t interested, but a part of me always wondered if I was wrong.
One day, I got bored and tried to imagine a hypothetical relationship that would feel wonderful and natural for me, irrespective of societal norms. After hours of roleplaying hypothetical scenarios and writing down what made my heart the most happy, I finally settled upon a coherent vision for a theoretical partner.
She’d be really sweet and loving, but the twist is that she’d often take lead over me. She’d be on the confident and assertive side and would totally break my brain. She would often initiate affection unexpectedly, and I’d get all flustered and totally melt for her. She would adore my softness instead of expecting me to suppress it. She would call me cute nicknames like “Cupcake” or “Pumpkin”, and I would feel very comfortable and safe with her.
This blew my mind because it went against everything I thought hetero relationships were. And yet, I responded so strongly to it. I began searching to see if anyone else felt this way and I found “role reversal,” a term referring to the inversion of traditional heterosexual relationship dynamics. I found a role reversal community and it had the most adorable art I’ve ever seen and perfectly encapsulated what I wanted. (Some of this content can be found on Lemmy at !rolereversal@lemmy.ml. I love this post in particular. Honestly, I’m thinking of reviving it and posting content there myself!)
A day later, I woke up with constant euphoria and a nonstop firehose of vivid romantic fantasies. It lasted all day, every day. For 10 days straight. My feelings were so intense that I barely ate anything and only slept for 3-4 hours a night without getting tired.
Those fantasies not only showed me how wonderful a relationship would feel, but also that I myself would want to be very affectionate and adaptive to my partner’s needs, not just my own. I was enamored with the idea of being the sweetest, most loving boyfriend I could be for her. It wasn’t long before I wanted a relationship like this more than anything else.
In retrospect, perhaps it’s unsurprising that my ideal relationship would be nontraditional. After all, I have spent my whole life fighting masculine gender expectations. I’m super outwardly emotional, I love to make people happy, I’m very gentle, I love adorable things, and I make myself look cute, nerdy, and non-threatening. I loved it when some of my female friends called me adorable and gave me cute nicknames, and I was full of admiration and gratitude when one of them physically protected me.
I feel like the phenomenon of role-reversed relationships is likely more common than the actual usage of the term. But perhaps I’m still a bit of a unicorn. So, what do you think? Have you seen relationships like this in the wild? Have you known about these dynamics, or are they unfamiliar to you? I’d like to know your thoughts!
More and more people are shaking off the old expectations of women’s passivity and men’s aggressiveness. There’s still a ways to go but it’s not as radically rare as it would have been 30-40 years ago. I was the one who proposed to my husband and took the active role in wooing him, and I’ve told that story quite a bit and only had positive reactions. Amongst our friends, I’m the only one I know who took the lead like that, but there are a lot of personalities that vary dramatically from the classic gender binary relationship. I would say my husband is the kinder and more gentle of the two of us, and he’s a tender and loving parent. Our partnership has a lot of quirks and would probably only work for us, but what’s important is that it does work.
I’m also going to say that it’s good to have an idea of what you want in a relationship, but don’t let a fantasy get in the way of reality. What you daydream about might be attainable, but more likely you will need to compromise on some things, and dating and having relationship experiences will be lessons in what those things can be.
Definitely. I didn’t want to make the post too long, but during my daydreaming phase, I began to shift my thinking towards practical concerns. I concluded that being overly idealistic is a hazard; being open-minded and willing to compromise is key. It actually makes me feel warm and fuzzy to think about how relationships are inherently imperfect because we are inherently flawed, but we can still find a way to make them work anyway. I want to compromise for my partner because I would love her so much and want to be a wonderful boyfriend for her. I think making the relationship work is a very beautiful thing.
Ultimately, the fantasy I described is just one data point. I think there are more types of potential partners for me than the one I described. My goal is to minimize the number of preferences I have while still defining a distribution of people I’d be excited to have as a partner because that casts a wide net. For example, I don’t think my future partner giving me cute nicknames is a hard requirement. It’s just nice to think about.
It’s lovely to hear about your relationship! I’m happy for you and your husband!