I used to play games, but now I only think about the time I’m wasting. I used to like food, but now I only think about how many calories are in it. I’d rather watch a TV show I’ve seen a million times than watch anything new. I read about a book a month but the minutes before I pick up the page feel like procrastinating a shower when the hot water is busted. I did a lot of exercise this week but now I’m left wondering if it was really worth the oxygen.
It… didn’t used to be like this. I’d be happy just going to school, playing games until way too late, talking to my online friends and doing the same thing the next day. Maybe it’s because back then I had graduation in mind as a long term objective. But now, the only certainty left for me is the inevitable fate of every living creature. I’m lonely. At school you’re forced to meet the same 30-100 people every day, but I’ve never been worth going out of anyone’s way. I have almost no social contacts that charge my battery rather than deplete it.
I feel like I should keep trying new things. But honestly, all that’s good in my life was given to me by chance (or a deity if you believe in one). Every time I have actively tried to better things it either changed nothing or made things worse. I’m so tired.
Has anyone “been there” and turned the ship around?
Yes, totally been there! It fucking sucks, as you know. I hate exercising but I try & do it most days bc I gained weight in the last year. I’m not happy with myself, but who can change that? Only me. No one else is gonna do it for me. Same with trying to go sober. When I look back at workouts done in the last week, it makes me feel a little better to see the progress bc some is better than none. I physically don’t want to be this way & I have the ability to change it, so fuck it, why not? Maybe it is pointless, but @ least I gave it a shot.
I miss my friends, as well. Everyone has a family now or is far away. I struggle with the whole “why should I reach out to them if they haven’t reached out to me” dilemma. Whatever, nothing matters anymore so let me just send a text and let them know I’m thinking of them. Should an organic hang out session manifest, then so be it. If it doesn’t, then meh, at least they know I was thinking of them.
We have nothing but time to waste until the inevitable end. Whether you choose to watch the same shows over and over (high-five bc I do the same), or meet up w ppl you actually like, or read a new book, it doesn’t matter. It’s really fucked but it’s the truth 🤷🏼♀️
I hope you reach your bottom soon bc there’s nowhere to go from there, but 🆙 I hit mine 3 weeks ago & things haven’t been too bad since. Always around if you need to bend an ear. Good luck 🍀
I really appreciate the thorough reply. Thanks a lot, buddy! I adore your attitude. And I’m glad to hear thinks are looking up since you’ve hit rock bottom. I totally believe in you bro.