We’ve been together for 20 years and married for 15. We’re a great couple, the kind our friends think of as “couple goals”. We rarely fight and when we do it’s normally over something trivial. And almost never about money.
We tend to be frugal and usually discuss things before making any large purchases. I became disabled about a decade ago and she’s been the “bread-winner” of the family. She works hard and I’m proud of her. With the sudden contraction in income we had to file bankruptcy about 7 yrs ago and we’ve been good about staying out of debt since.
I handle the finances of the house, which really just means I file our taxes and check our bank statements. Yesterday, I was trying to reconcile our bank statement and trying to build a budget using our banks new software. This required me to categorize these transactions, which is a pain when a lot of them just say Amazon or PayPal. So I go digging into this only to discover she has two PayPal accounts and one is carrying $2500 in debt! We’re not well-off people and that’s a lot of money.
I was heart-broken. It was like my soul was just sucked out of my body. I felt something between anger and disappointment. I couldn’t believe it. She must have noticed my sudden shock and saw what I was looking at because she began to reassure me that she’s about to pay $600 towards it. I didn’t reply. I went for a long walk to clear my head.
We still haven’t spoken about it yet. I don’t know what to do. I’m not mad anymore but I’m so deflated. We were supposed to be partners in all things. We don’t even buy each other gifts without conferring usually it’s just a joint anniversary gift.
To make matters worse, I can understand how she’d do it. She’s got impulse control problems because of her untreated ADHD. She tends to self-medicate with alcohol to unwind and likes “retail-therapy” for self-soothing. She also has rejection sensitivity and is aggressively defensive. So even asking her about this may cause an involuntary lashing-out. But I must. I just don’t want to.
OP if you are still struggling with this situation, it might be beneficial to you to examine what exactly is it that bothers you?
That she hid this from you?
That she is creating a debt you will be responsible for(if she is not willing/capable of managing this debt) without your consent? (You claimed that she has made you responsible for household finances)
That she is doing something without you?
Is it trauma from the situation that caused you to previously declare bankruptcy?
Is being in debt at all a trigger for you?
Theres lots of things about this situation that You probably dont stress over, but clearly something has you spooked by this. If you understand what doesnt bother you it might help navigate her defenses and focus on what is a problem, instead of wasting energy fighting over aspects of this situtuation you both can focus on what actually is bothering you and not the details that might lead the relationship to a worse place. Its just exhausting to be arguing over the wrong things. Its incredibly harmful to working things out
Ive been on the other end of this. She was the bread winner when we moved in together and then she kept changing jobs and not liking them eventually she was too depressed to hold a job at all. My 15$ an hour job was our only income for about 2 years at one point and i found out she had racked up 5000 on her credit card.
Before i found out she would always get upset about me questioning her use of that card. We were already in debt for a car we bought together and we were really struggling.
She eventually decided she was unhappy and broke up with me. Have dated 2 people since that didnt go anywhere and its been almost 15 years now
Op doesn’t need to examine shit. It’s obvious why op is entitled to be mad. She’s spending money they don’t have on things she doesn’t need under the guise of therapy.
Nuff said.
It entirely depends on what outcome OP is okay wiyh and how they approach getting there. You and I dont get to decide this, i was only offering OP a strategy to help under a specific context.
You can disagree with my advice all you want, its OPs opinion that matters
You are dictating what to do, i was only offering my viewpoint. I dont care if op finds my advice useless, they are simply welcome to it as thats they are the ones asking for opinions to help them make up their mind.
Take it or leave it, feel free to ask questions if you see a problem.
Im advocating for more discussion, you are shutting down discussion