We’ve been together for 20 years and married for 15. We’re a great couple, the kind our friends think of as “couple goals”. We rarely fight and when we do it’s normally over something trivial. And almost never about money.
We tend to be frugal and usually discuss things before making any large purchases. I became disabled about a decade ago and she’s been the “bread-winner” of the family. She works hard and I’m proud of her. With the sudden contraction in income we had to file bankruptcy about 7 yrs ago and we’ve been good about staying out of debt since.
I handle the finances of the house, which really just means I file our taxes and check our bank statements. Yesterday, I was trying to reconcile our bank statement and trying to build a budget using our banks new software. This required me to categorize these transactions, which is a pain when a lot of them just say Amazon or PayPal. So I go digging into this only to discover she has two PayPal accounts and one is carrying $2500 in debt! We’re not well-off people and that’s a lot of money.
I was heart-broken. It was like my soul was just sucked out of my body. I felt something between anger and disappointment. I couldn’t believe it. She must have noticed my sudden shock and saw what I was looking at because she began to reassure me that she’s about to pay $600 towards it. I didn’t reply. I went for a long walk to clear my head.
We still haven’t spoken about it yet. I don’t know what to do. I’m not mad anymore but I’m so deflated. We were supposed to be partners in all things. We don’t even buy each other gifts without conferring usually it’s just a joint anniversary gift.
To make matters worse, I can understand how she’d do it. She’s got impulse control problems because of her untreated ADHD. She tends to self-medicate with alcohol to unwind and likes “retail-therapy” for self-soothing. She also has rejection sensitivity and is aggressively defensive. So even asking her about this may cause an involuntary lashing-out. But I must. I just don’t want to.
Point of contention. Shes not “spending het money” shes spending credit. Shes in debt without telling her married partner of 20 years.
Hes responisble for that debt as well, so its not about him controlling her earned money.
This is a trust issue, and since he is unable to earn money thats really fucking shitty of her to hide a thing like this from him. The amount isnt really the issue, he found out about this debt when it was small enough to be managed, but this could be the beginning of a much bigger incident.
I suppose that’s a fair point.
While i disagree with you in general about how you commented, i do believe each person in the relationship should have some form of personal discretionary funds available for whatever frivolous or not spending they want to do.
But that spending should not affect or effect the other person in the relationship in the way of putting the relationship, or the health and safety of anyone in it at risk.
You’re right, I should have taken the time to phrase it better. I feel strongly that couples should maintain financial dependence if at all possible. Money is the single biggest cause of divorce and there usually isn’t a lot of reasons to argue over it if the relationship boundaries are structured correctly, and both partners are honest and respectful. In that I can understand OPs frustration, since he felt that she was keeping this a secret.
And add to that i think the history of debt and bankruptcy cant be dismissed very easily as it adds a lot to the situation.
Things you and I dont know is what factors other than becoming disabled contributed to the previous debt. But thats for OP to weigh