We’ve been together for 20 years and married for 15. We’re a great couple, the kind our friends think of as “couple goals”. We rarely fight and when we do it’s normally over something trivial. And almost never about money.
We tend to be frugal and usually discuss things before making any large purchases. I became disabled about a decade ago and she’s been the “bread-winner” of the family. She works hard and I’m proud of her. With the sudden contraction in income we had to file bankruptcy about 7 yrs ago and we’ve been good about staying out of debt since.
I handle the finances of the house, which really just means I file our taxes and check our bank statements. Yesterday, I was trying to reconcile our bank statement and trying to build a budget using our banks new software. This required me to categorize these transactions, which is a pain when a lot of them just say Amazon or PayPal. So I go digging into this only to discover she has two PayPal accounts and one is carrying $2500 in debt! We’re not well-off people and that’s a lot of money.
I was heart-broken. It was like my soul was just sucked out of my body. I felt something between anger and disappointment. I couldn’t believe it. She must have noticed my sudden shock and saw what I was looking at because she began to reassure me that she’s about to pay $600 towards it. I didn’t reply. I went for a long walk to clear my head.
We still haven’t spoken about it yet. I don’t know what to do. I’m not mad anymore but I’m so deflated. We were supposed to be partners in all things. We don’t even buy each other gifts without conferring usually it’s just a joint anniversary gift.
To make matters worse, I can understand how she’d do it. She’s got impulse control problems because of her untreated ADHD. She tends to self-medicate with alcohol to unwind and likes “retail-therapy” for self-soothing. She also has rejection sensitivity and is aggressively defensive. So even asking her about this may cause an involuntary lashing-out. But I must. I just don’t want to.
Do you want financial advice or relationship advice?
Because they are both the same. Talk to your wife. Have grace and compassion. She’s probably been stressed about this for a long time, digging deeper and hoping she can crawl out of it.
Remember this is the woman you love. She’s scared and ashamed. You’re partners, and her problems are your problems.
Go to her and tell her you love her. Tell her you just want to understand what happened, but whatever it is, you’ll pay it off together. $2,500 is not going to break you, and if you set up a payment schedule, you can budget around it.
Transparency, communication, and empathy will get you through this.
Once you’re past the initial confrontation, it’s also important to tell her how hurt and shocked you are that she kept this from you.
Ops wife is buying Funko pops on credit and you say use compassion? Lol wut?
Yeah, I mean, it’s not about what she bought. The money is spent. Compassion is just like the bare minimum of a marriage…
I didn’t know they were funko pops, though. Damn.