I think that this video has helped me develop some insight on how to spot high-masking autism, not just among women. I found a lot of the material covered in the video relatable even though I am male. Maybe that has something to do with our elevated rejection of established gender roles as a whole. Regardless, I like how rather than listing concrete signs, he gave a list of patterns that would be common to masking autistic women (I believe all genders, really) in a manner that could still be easily noticed. This also helped me understand that the cause of some autistic traits are not fundamental, but rather a result of masking. 🤯
Aside from the signs of masking autism, the ending hit me emotionally. He validates something that no one has really validated for me. I’ve been told my entire life that I was too much, not enough, or purposely trying to violate rules and norms out of some moral or character failing. It’s like I wanted to be careless/offensive or a loser. However, when he covered how much effort we put into masking and that it takes a lot of energy to do, I felt a validation I don’t remember ever experiencing. It’s like someone said, “I believe you’re doing your best.”
He also elaborates on the impact of when we tell someone that we’re autistic or have difficulties in certain areas and they invalidate it by saying that we’re not autistic or that we function normally. He then posits that when we unmask, we need others to validate that experience. I think that statement was not only directed at us, but others that have autistic people in their lives. I plan on using that to guide who I continue to allow in my life. If I need to mask or am invalidated by someone when I unmask, then they’re not a good fit for me, so I will interact with them less.
I hate this. I haven’t watched the video but the idea that someone will watch me to try and come to the same conclusion as a team of psychology graduates and doctorates is asinine. “But how are we supposed to give them allowances like being patient or kind?” Do that for everybody, don’t try to diagnose someone that isn’t open enough to tell you. I’m not a woman, but I am diagnosed and the premise of this video just makes me say no.
Oh wow, the title of this video is really doing it a disservice. The title leads me to believe it’s about how to spot autistic people who are trying to blend in. It’s about masking. I agree with pretty much everything he says.
But damn, that title… Please do not try to unmask somebody.
Just like when straights talk about having gaydar
Except that the guy in the video has autism.
Sponsored by BetterHelp 🤮
I’m not able to watch the video until I get home today, but I am a high functioning autistic women. I have been told SO MANY times I can’t be autistic. Not that I don’t act like I have autism, not that I don’t seem autistic, that I can’t be. It isn’t until poeple see what work and socializing takes out of me that they truly understand I am autistic and how much WORK goes into appearing to be normal so I can keep my job.
That sounds exhausting and invalidating. I am interested in hearing what you think about the video once you watch it.
I think he pretty much nailed how it feels to be autistic, at least for me. Really great skills in some areas and then absolutely terrible skills in others. How exhausting masking is. I think I only ever unmask when I am alone. It scares me to ask where do I end and mask begins? I’m not sure I know anymore.
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Women with autism are often much better at masking because social expectation from a young age force them to hide it. Autism diagnosis in women are also often dismissed, as autism has typically been seen as a “boy affliction”.
I think women are specifically being addressed because many are forced to mask the hardest since they were very very young. Like “hey, women, I see you. You don’t need to mask. We see you.”
It’s almost like… a permission. And that can be nice sometimes.
Judging from the stories of autistic women who are in my life, as well as stories I’ve read online, there seems to also be the issue of being heard or taken seriously when attempting to get diagnosed or treated. This is on top of societal or gendered expectations which makes masking that much more of a challenge to maintain.
One of my closest friends had to stop seeing their therapist because she would leave her sessions crying and was only able to improve her mental health by refusing to visit that therapist again. Another really close friend had a doctor that kept prescribing the same medication to her even after stating multiple times at multiple visits that the medication was causing her suicidal thoughts.
In comparison, as a male myself, I was able to walk in, tell them why I thought I had ADHD and later autism and was able to walk about with prescriptions or a plan of action within the same visit.
I do think the the video spoke broadly enough that it could be informative about autism in general and could have added a bit more context to align the title with the video content.
Yes. Absolutely. It’s such a shit thing, isn’t it?
Like in the olden days, if women acted just a tad too “off”, they were dismissed with a diagnosis of “female hysteria”. Turns out, doctors are still doing that to this day, just quieter.
It’s agonizing. Doctors are a pain. I’ve been very lucky these past few years to finally have doctors who believe me (or maybe it’s because I’m older now…). I’ve had a click in my shoulder for decades, and it’s only being looked at now, when I’m almost 40.
I still can’t find mental therapy though, because my insurance is very bad and no therapist wants to deal with it.
Just because it is more commonly, or more intensely seen in women, doesn’t mean it can’t be observed in men. That said, since it concerns women more often, it makes sense the video is directed at them.
Same goes for other aspects. For example, male type anxiety. Most commonly seen in men, but possible in women too. And some men show classical anxiety symptoms rather than the male type.
My sister was diagnosed with autism before transitioning but she hasn’t “seemed autistic” since transitioning. I don’t know if it was a misdiagnosis of gender dysphoria or if it’s something that she really has. She is very fixated on trying to force other autistic people into passing so it makes sense that she would learn to hide it.
While I already knew the channel, I didn’t see this particular one before.
What gets me most is actually the comments, and all the replies to the comments. I strongly suggest everyone to read at least the top ones and part of the hundreds of replies. Top one shown to me is this; may I cite respectfully, by @lisedenmark:
To me - autistic diagnosed 3 years ago at 54 - masking is not only about hiding my weaknesses; it’s also about hiding my strengths because they are not always well received. Deep critical thinking, eternal curiosity and precision are skills often respected in theory - but in practice: not so much. This really complicates matters even more…
… And then, try to read the overall vibe in those conversations. What is apparent? – Well first and obviously, they are almost all written by people who have been labeled or consider themselves “autistic” or ND. Second, a large part of it is (heartbreakingly) empathetic!
edit: I have this hypothesis that masking their authenticity in order to fit in with ther respective social group is the normal way also in NT people. The difference being, that to them it comes naturally and effortlessly to wear a mask (read: self-protecting persona), while for NDs it is exhausting and may lead to a sense of self-denial. Consider also the difficulty with the perceived need of constant dishonesty/lying which is a part of camouflaging.
Any thoughts or questions?I had to think about your comment for 2 days before responding.
it’s also about hiding my strengths because they are not always well received. Deep critical thinking, eternal curiosity and precision are skills often respected in theory - but in practice: not so much.
Yesss!! I totally make myself stupid or seem distracted in/with the vast majority of places/people for two main reasons. One is the apparent one, which is making others feels less than. For some odd reason, me being able to learn quickly or know information already is insulting others. This then results in me either coming off as bragging or becoming the target for the insecure people to attack. I saw this happen a lot in the dance community, especially from other men. It was difficult for me to make male friends in that scene. In fact, I’ve only made two male friends in 2 years. One was autistic and the other is just a chill Christian dude.
The other reason I have to mask by seeming dumb or distracted is that if I am highly capable in one area, then whenever I make any social mistakes, I am not given as much compassion or understanding. Rather, they get upset and treat me as if I purposely wanted to violate whatever rule. I think the reasoning is that if I am “smart”, then surely I must understand social minutiae. That is absolutely not the case. From my perspective, I don’t jump to conclusions, so I miss a lot of implications that most other people get naturally. This is for real. It is so extreme, that I often end up making major faux pas. For example, when I was in college, I was at a bar and ran into a girl I had been friendly with in class throughout the semester. We hit it off that night. Towards the end, she told me she wanted me to come to her place to sleep with her. What did I do? I went to her place and literally went to sleep in her bed with her as soon as I got in. It’s been 20 years, and I still remember the face she made when I asked her if it was okay that I took my pants off to sleep in boxers because jeans were too uncomfortable for bed. She straight up answered, “Duh!!” and made a face as if I was joking, which I took as her being the same about jeans in bed. The next day, she was all weird when she gave me a ride home, so I was confused. It wasn’t until I told others about this weird experience where someone was really friendly then stand-offish that they pointed out that she wanted to have sex. This girl, who I imagine was upset at me for agreeing to “sleep with her” then not having sex with her, probably thought that since I earn good grades in class, I must have absolutely understood that she meant have sex. Nope. I had no idea.
a large part of it is (heartbreakingly) empathetic!
I really like this neurodiversity movement. It’s like a lot of us have been living and suffering in secret, not knowing that many of us existed and we had similar experiences and struggles. With many of us coming out about it, we see that we are not alone and give each other validation, support, and encouragement. I’m so happy with it. It’s one of my favorite things about this particular community.
I have this hypothesis that masking their authenticity in order to fit in with ther respective social group is the normal way also in NT people. The difference being, that to them it comes naturally and effortlessly to wear a mask (read: self-protecting persona), while for NDs it is exhausting and may lead to a sense of self-denial. Consider also the difficulty with the perceived need of constant dishonesty/lying which is a part of camouflaging.
I have never thought of this, but it makes sense. From what I can tell, there are two major fundamental differences between autistic and NT people. One, we are sensory hypersensitive by comparison and cannot filter out sensory input like they do. This means that we have a lot more information to process, taking up processing resources in our brains. Two, we are monotropic in that we can only really focus on one thing at a time, and we are hyperfocused by comparison. Combining these both, we come off as slow in social situations because while an NT can focus on the many social aspects of an interaction, I have to process the noise of cars driving by, the weather, previous interactions with a person to find out how this current interaction fits into their patterns, consider if I look weird somehow, making sure my tone and volume are appropriate, try to look like I’m making proper eye contact without overwhelming myself, etc. This is all too much for me to do smoothly, while it may be something absolutely natural for an NT. Since it’s natural for them, they do it all the time without any concern. For us, it’s exhausting and makes us feel as if we are not being authentic, which violates a core value among autistic people, further making us feel inauthentic and taking up more mental resources.
I have this hypothesis that masking their authenticity in order to fit in with their respective social group is the normal way also in NT people.
This is not correct. A “neurotypical” (term is terrible, there are good reasons) does not “mask” in most situations. They are simply using their own personality. People with autism have this nasty habit of trying to find “the correct answer”, which is something that simply doesn’t exist most of the time. If a normal person is masking, it is likely that they are doing so because they are still trying to maintain some image of civility.
The other part of this is that a question with no correct answer, however, still has wrong answers. If someone asks you what you are doing this weekend, “researching goatse” is a most certainly a wrong answer. All of this is dependent on the other person. In the case of a random person, it’s easier to just leave out everything longer than a single sentence, which is why talking with strangers always feels oddly hollow.
Example
TALK: “[person you hate] died yesterday.”
Normal: “Good, fuck that guy in particular.”
Masked: “That’s … unfortunate.”
It is true, though, that an average person doesn’t have to think about every sensory input. That’s the only real high-level difference. Most people are also incapable of focusing on more than one task. It just seems like multitasking or speedy processing because they can drop tasks at a moment’s notice. For someone who actually does have hardware multitasking, high process speed, and acute sense of time, interacting with an average person feels like an eternity. If I had to fancy a fat guess, I’d say this is why people with autism seem to prefer online interaction – because there’s no timelines for said interaction, and the lack of the information that they have to track makes interacting much faster.
