I’m not afraid to discuss them in real life, but I discuss my medical issues more openly online. Mostly because I don’t want to just whine about my medical issues.

I’m also more open to sharing private information like, I’ve never felt that I belong to any gender (and this led to a lot of anger and frustration for me growing up). That’s becoming more accepted now, but I was never part of the LGBTQ+ community and I don’t feel like it represents me particularly well. I’m just kind of neutral and don’t want to be associated with any sort of gender identity or movement one way or another.

ASMR. Not afraid so much, just don’t want to be annoyed by the predictable responses from the skeptics and “comedians”. And ASMR is old news. People have mostly moved on. But I’m still very grateful for the AMSR performance artists and fellow aficionados out there.

Music taste. I’m a metal fan for the most part and I have my own project band that I release music under.

People always ask about my music (which is very kind of them) but I never actually want to discuss it with people because literally no one gets it or has any idea of what I’m referring to. I don’t even make weird music its just that 98% of people have no fucking clue what black metal is or what progressive/atmospheric means in that context. God forbid they ask me to put music on in the car or at a party. I deflect that as best as I can.

People think I’m into FFDP or Slipknot or best case something like Spiritbox or Sleep Token (last two are okay actually) but what I actually want to talk about is how amazing Artificial Brain balances the brutality of death metal and slam stylings with the jangly dissonance of the avant-garde black metal scene a-la Deathspell Omega, or how Navene Koperweis manages to be ahead of his time in almost every project he touches or how The Contortionist released one of the greatest progressive albums (Language) of all time.

My ADHD has me dumping massive tangents on people the minute it seems like they have any clue about anything under the dust on the upper crust of the scene. Makes it hard to connect with people because I hyperfocus on this shit so any time I talk about it, I go hard. I’m conscious of this issue hence my hesitation to open up about it.

The worst is when someone finds out I play guitar. They always wanna hear some cowboy chord stuff and I just don’t really know any. Music to me isn’t a party trick and that’s kinda what it feels like everyone wants out of me.

I just try to avoid all of it.

For a given value of “afraid”, there isn’t much.

Tbh, there isn’t anything, but there are a few where I avoid the subject in real life because it’s never as fast as online.

I mention depression online, and there’s support comments for sure, as well an occasional asshole.

Irl, that’s one of those conversation stoppers, no matter how casual you are about it.

And that’s the kind of thing I’m talking about. Stuff that I’m fine discussing with friends and family when it comes up. I’m even fine with discussing it with strangers, if the goal is supporting them and maybe making them feel less alone.

But there’s a whole range of subjects where if you volunteer information, it turns any interaction into being about that. Another big one is the job I had when I was still able to work. Did grunt level medical work as a nurse’s assistant. Mostly did geriatrics and hospice. So, pretty focused on end of life care, with just enough of the other stuff to keep me sane.

Online? I can drop that paragraph, and it doesn’t derail anything because if someone is interested, it creates a new thread. It spins off without disrupting the central conversation. Irl, nobody likes being reminded of death, for one thing. Then there’s always, always folks that mean well but make a bigger deal out of it than the circumstances usually call for. Like, it’s small talk about “oh, I was in car sales, what did you do?”

“I was an NA.”

“Really?! What kind of work?”

“Death work, motherfucker.”

And you might as well say it like that because if you mention hospice at all, the room goes still. And the alternative to that is either leaving it out, which I don’t like doing because it feels dishonest to just specify geriatrics as though it’s a different thing at the end; or, you give some vague shit, which feels dishonest to myself. Like, I carry that shit. I don’t expect or want praise, or morbid nosiness, or even the all-too-common “you were doing god’s work”. But I own that shit. I carry the weight of it, the grief and the physical pain from doing it. So dismissing what it was ain’t happening either.

So, I usually just ask questions and listen instead. That’s what most small talk is about.

But online, I’ll obviously lay that shit out because it won’t fuck up the vibe of the entire room or fuck up my vibe.

So, it isn’t fear, as in I worry about how other people will react. I’m a giant asshole, IDGAF about others’ opinions of me. I’m middle aged, crippled, and beholden to no one, I don’t have to worry about other people’s goodwill. Not that I cared much even when I could still work. If you knew how many times I had a supervisor ask something along the lines of “why did you say that to a patient’s family member?” With my response being “they asked”, it would be hilarious.

Which, that was usually followed up with “couldn’t you just not say anything, or just lie?” With my response being “no, no I couldn’t. I don’t lie if I can avoid it, and never when on the job with dying people. And you don’t violate the trust of a dying human being by bullshitting.”

That’s why I was fucking excellent at the job, btw. It wasn’t the bathing and mobility support and such. It was being present. You do the job you take care of their needs. But you do not treat them like a patient in their own home. Shit, you don’t do it in a facility either. You treat them like one human being to another. That’s what it’s about.

Also, did I mention I still carry the weight of it? Yeah. That’s the stuff I let out online or with my “inner circle”, and never, ever with anyone else because that’s what’s bubbling underneath.

Basically anything except private info like name, address, etc.

Kink, obviously.

My obsession with the Fediverse and Linux.

I kinda like metal (the genre of music)

Everyone fucking hates me for that. Liking metal doesn’t necessarily mean I worship Satan.

Being a furry, also for fear of rejection. When I was in middle school, (before I *came out as a furry) I overheard my friend talkng to a friend about how stupid furries were, which really hurt, so I don’t talk about it IRL. Online, most people don’t care that I’m a furry, and the ones that do care are easy to ignore.

Some of my hobbies. I don’t talk unless people ask (like you did). I never talk about anime, muscle mommies, etc. (shoutout !fitmoe@lemmy.world). I’ll talk about regular hobbies (like !homebrewing@sopuli.xyz or !bready@lemmy.world baking.

Sexuality/romantic stuff. I’m bi, but I never talk about it, unless it’s relevant or to encourage someone. I’m married anyway, so that time of my life is passed.

My special interests (I’m autistic). Online has a niche for everything which is why I’m more inclined to share them. For now it’s AI companionship and Chanda from Pantheon.

The fact that I’ve got an Onlyfans, I guess̈

I’m in a really wretched situation financially, and I spend so little of my income that if I use my debit card once a month that’s unusual, but also my sociopath of an SO spent 500 dollars on bedsheets last week. This came to pass because I told him two of our duvet sets which were 15 years old have sprung holes, so we’d have to work on getting something new, and I was dutifully doing my beer money tricks to try to save some cash for some inexpensive Amazon replacements, and he bought expensive bamboo sheets out of nowhere. Last fall when we had to get a new car he ripped me a new asshole that I could spend absolutely nothing, and I’ve spent maybe 20 “unnecessary” dollars in eight months. It’s crazy making.

My gender. I just feel human.