cross-posted from: https://programming.dev/post/14816537
I’m 43 years old but apparently I have a baby face, good hair for my age and everyone believes I’m in my mid 20s, even though I already have some gray hairs nobody seems to notice (so far).
I started the lie: first time I started my last job at a hospital immediately after my bachelor and told my new coworkers my real age (38 at the time) they started judging me: why are you not married, why don’t you have children, what have you done in the last 20 years.
The way these women asked was accusatory, like I’m a failure for being almost 40 and not having children or being single. At that moment I decided next time somebody at the workplace asks me for my age, to blatantly and shamelessly lie: I’m 25, leave me alone.
Since that bad experience I’ve worked at 2 other hospitals and my lie has always helped: patients and coworkers believe I’m 25 because as said I look like it, don’t pester me about children or marriage and while my current coworkers are gossips and need drama to live, they don’t push my buttons because I don’t give them any ammunition. It’s tolerable.
Note that I didn’t lie in my application and accounting and management at my workplace know very well my real age, but my coworkers and direct manager are oblivious to it: On my first day I just told them I’m 25 and they didn’t question it.
Now, I have the body of a 43 year old, meaning I don’t lift heavy patients like a 25 year old and sometimes I come home with back pain. I don’t know if I’d get better assignments if I’m sincere about my age (I’d like that, but is it realistic?). I just don’t want to get to 65 with a broken back. I don’t want drama either, just to work and go home.
I lie to protect myself.
If I need to change this, why and how?
I do get it, coworkers can be rude and nosey AF. I’ve had some like that, too. But lying about your age is not the way to handle it. Keep them on a low information diet. It’s perfectly OK to say “that’s really none of your business” or “l prefer not to discuss my personal life at work.”
If they keep pushing the issue, get firm with them and ask if they really want to get HR involved? (Don’t involve HR if at all possible. Mentioning it should be enough.)
To get out if the mess of this lie, just start telling the truth. Laugh it off, you thought it was cute/funny/flattering that people thought you were so young.
Most nosey/rude coworkers just want to make sure you’re “ok” and “not some kind of weirdo”. It’s very shitty and obnoxious of them, but you don’t handle it by, well… being a bit of a weirdo and acting like you’re over 10 years younger.
It is perfectly okay to say those things, as well as to threaten escalation, but it won’t make you any friends and probably will result in a hostile work environment … Which is fine, but should be anticipated if taking this approach.
I have no comment on the second half of this response.
It’s OK to make friends at work, but it’s not the primary reason people are there. And mistaking coworkers for friends-by-default can get you into even worse problems than being the unfriendly/private person. Coworkers who ask lots of probing questions often gossip. They use the gathered info against you in order to make themselves look better by comparison. OP just wants to be left alone. Playing reindeer games and engaging in mandatory fun is not a path forward for everyone. Especially those with actual skills beyond kissing butt. I have done well in my career minding my own business and asking others to do the same. You don’t have to throw down a flaming spear to do this. You do it nicely but firmly. It’s standing up for yourself.