It really is a thing. I went on one date with this super attractive redhead, and we were planning a second date, but I canceled because the time we were supposed to have together she whittled down (on the morning of) to just a couple hours she could pencil me in for. She got annoyed with me and became passive-aggressive because I didn’t want to drive for two and a half hours round trip to her town for a two-hour date.
I didn’t like the passive-aggression and explained that to her kindly. She got even more passive-aggressive at that. I told her I was no longer interested in dating her. She went ballistic, shit-talking me in a mutual FB group we were a part of, stalking my posts and comments on there so that she could add heart reacts to every single one before I blocked her.
I really should have known better than to try to date her as the first time I got to know her was when I was on vacation with my girlfriend in New Orleans where this woman and her husband were celebrating their one-year anniversary and we all met up for dinner, and she later told me they had a knock-down, drag-out fight in their hotel room.
Lol, I put that last bit there without explanation for the shock value because the people seem to love this. But yes, we were all polyamorous. She was married, I had a girlfriend and a nesting partner, my girlfriend had a boyfriend who had a wife who wanted to date me (I declined because she practiced polyamory unethically), and my nesting partner had a girlfriend.
The woman I was interested in dating, I knew she didn’t have a whole lot of free time…neither did I truth be told…but I turned her down not because she had other partners and a busy life but because of the way she responded to me. It was basically, “Um, how dare you cancel plans with me after I took an extra morning shift on the day of our date leaving you with only two hours and with you having to do all the driving for over two and a half hours during rush hour traffic!” She was so used to people falling all over her because of how attractive she was, and it was really off-putting.
Indeed. We are all polyamorous, and it’s quite normal in our circles. I remember one time my nesting partner and I had a party at the house we were sharing, and there was a daisy chain of eight people comprising seven consecutive dyadic relationships in attendance (Stephanie <–> Troy <–> Chastity <–> John <–> Anna <–> Me <–> Esther <–> Amanda), and it was really great! Everyone was just enjoying each other’s company, having drinks, talking about this and that, feeling compersion…it’s a nice way to be when you’re wired for it!
Right on, it’s not for everyone. I’m not wired for monogamy, it turns out. I practiced monogamy with my wife for 13 years until I was 37 year old, but I never felt “whole”, I suppose is the best way to describe it. We were polyamorous together for two years before separating and divorcing pro sé (not to do with the relationship style at all, we just had outgrown our relationship).
Now - ten years later - I couldn’t imagine ever choosing to be monogamous again. As I like to say, I never again want to presume any semblance of control over any partner’s absolute right to seek out joy and fulfillment by forming however many ethical and consensual relationships they wish, of whatever style they wish, with whomever they wish, for as long as they wish, and I insist upon the same right for myself.
If it works for you, then right on. Everyone I know who has had a threesome with their monogamous partner ended up regretting it. It led to distrust, feelings of inadequacy, and ultimately the end of those relationships. So, I don’t ever want to try it. My wife is enough for me, and I’m not interested in anything that would jeopardize our relationship. I suppose your situation is a little different, but ultimately I know that arraignment would never work for me or my wife.
It’s good when you and your partner know yourselves and each other. I always advocate for purposeful relationships of all kinds, especially monogamy. It has always seemed like monogamous people in general make a whole lot of assumptions; there’s a unwritten “rulebook” that everyone is supposed to know by heart and follow, but each person understands it just a little bit differently, so arguments come about because of it related to things like what constitutes cheating (e.g. being attracted to anyone else, dreaming sexually about someone else, harmless flirting, etc.). If everyone engaged in conversations early on in a relationship about what they want and need out of a partner what they are willing and able to give back, and what their deal breakers are, then such incompatibilities can be addressed much earlier and compromises made.
And yes, my situation is very different. Monogamous-wired people who have threesomes usually haven’t done the emotional work beforehand. They try to convince themselves that they are emotionally prepared for the aftermath because they are excited about getting some strange, but when the third person is more interested in one of them than the other in the moment, the other partner starts to feel jealousy and wants to shut it down. Or maybe one partner ones to do it a second time with the same third partner and the other doesn’t because they worry that their partner is developing feelings. Or any number of things.
With the people in my circles, we all have practiced polyamory for many years. Sometimes we experience jealousy (I don’t), we have done the emotional work to identify it, put a name to it, dig deep to determine the cause of the discomfort, take ownership of the emotion, let our partner know about the feeling, and ask them for what we need as a means of support without imposing on their boundaries or attempting to force them into changing how they engage in their relationships with others.
It really is a thing. I went on one date with this super attractive redhead, and we were planning a second date, but I canceled because the time we were supposed to have together she whittled down (on the morning of) to just a couple hours she could pencil me in for. She got annoyed with me and became passive-aggressive because I didn’t want to drive for two and a half hours round trip to her town for a two-hour date.
I didn’t like the passive-aggression and explained that to her kindly. She got even more passive-aggressive at that. I told her I was no longer interested in dating her. She went ballistic, shit-talking me in a mutual FB group we were a part of, stalking my posts and comments on there so that she could add heart reacts to every single one before I blocked her.
I really should have known better than to try to date her as the first time I got to know her was when I was on vacation with my girlfriend in New Orleans where this woman and her husband were celebrating their one-year anniversary and we all met up for dinner, and she later told me they had a knock-down, drag-out fight in their hotel room.
So she was married? No judgement, but might explain why she didn’t have time for you.
Lol, I put that last bit there without explanation for the shock value because the people seem to love this. But yes, we were all polyamorous. She was married, I had a girlfriend and a nesting partner, my girlfriend had a boyfriend who had a wife who wanted to date me (I declined because she practiced polyamory unethically), and my nesting partner had a girlfriend.
The woman I was interested in dating, I knew she didn’t have a whole lot of free time…neither did I truth be told…but I turned her down not because she had other partners and a busy life but because of the way she responded to me. It was basically, “Um, how dare you cancel plans with me after I took an extra morning shift on the day of our date leaving you with only two hours and with you having to do all the driving for over two and a half hours during rush hour traffic!” She was so used to people falling all over her because of how attractive she was, and it was really off-putting.
Hol up… You had a girlfriend and she had a husband, and you guys were going to meet for a date? Okay then!
I’ve had a girlfriend and I’ve had a wife, but riddle me this…when I next go on a date I won’t be cheating on anyone. How is that possible???
Polyamory or single. Could be either one.
Indeed. We are all polyamorous, and it’s quite normal in our circles. I remember one time my nesting partner and I had a party at the house we were sharing, and there was a daisy chain of eight people comprising seven consecutive dyadic relationships in attendance (Stephanie <–> Troy <–> Chastity <–> John <–> Anna <–> Me <–> Esther <–> Amanda), and it was really great! Everyone was just enjoying each other’s company, having drinks, talking about this and that, feeling compersion…it’s a nice way to be when you’re wired for it!
I am definitely not wired for it.
Right on, it’s not for everyone. I’m not wired for monogamy, it turns out. I practiced monogamy with my wife for 13 years until I was 37 year old, but I never felt “whole”, I suppose is the best way to describe it. We were polyamorous together for two years before separating and divorcing pro sé (not to do with the relationship style at all, we just had outgrown our relationship).
Now - ten years later - I couldn’t imagine ever choosing to be monogamous again. As I like to say, I never again want to presume any semblance of control over any partner’s absolute right to seek out joy and fulfillment by forming however many ethical and consensual relationships they wish, of whatever style they wish, with whomever they wish, for as long as they wish, and I insist upon the same right for myself.
If it works for you, then right on. Everyone I know who has had a threesome with their monogamous partner ended up regretting it. It led to distrust, feelings of inadequacy, and ultimately the end of those relationships. So, I don’t ever want to try it. My wife is enough for me, and I’m not interested in anything that would jeopardize our relationship. I suppose your situation is a little different, but ultimately I know that arraignment would never work for me or my wife.
It’s good when you and your partner know yourselves and each other. I always advocate for purposeful relationships of all kinds, especially monogamy. It has always seemed like monogamous people in general make a whole lot of assumptions; there’s a unwritten “rulebook” that everyone is supposed to know by heart and follow, but each person understands it just a little bit differently, so arguments come about because of it related to things like what constitutes cheating (e.g. being attracted to anyone else, dreaming sexually about someone else, harmless flirting, etc.). If everyone engaged in conversations early on in a relationship about what they want and need out of a partner what they are willing and able to give back, and what their deal breakers are, then such incompatibilities can be addressed much earlier and compromises made.
And yes, my situation is very different. Monogamous-wired people who have threesomes usually haven’t done the emotional work beforehand. They try to convince themselves that they are emotionally prepared for the aftermath because they are excited about getting some strange, but when the third person is more interested in one of them than the other in the moment, the other partner starts to feel jealousy and wants to shut it down. Or maybe one partner ones to do it a second time with the same third partner and the other doesn’t because they worry that their partner is developing feelings. Or any number of things.
With the people in my circles, we all have practiced polyamory for many years. Sometimes we experience jealousy (I don’t), we have done the emotional work to identify it, put a name to it, dig deep to determine the cause of the discomfort, take ownership of the emotion, let our partner know about the feeling, and ask them for what we need as a means of support without imposing on their boundaries or attempting to force them into changing how they engage in their relationships with others.