Producer: So you have a Critical Role mini campaign for me?

Writer: Yes sir, I do!

Producer: Great so what’s it about?

Writer: Well the whole idea is getting to explore some smaller stories set in the world of Exandria, so I thought it should include multiple direct conversations with deities, planar travel, legendary items, missing time, elemental rifts, and lost civilizations.

Producer: <eyes wide> Wow, these must be some legendary adventurers.

Writer: They’re a group of level 3 misfits with a flair for pageantry.

Producer: You don’t think that’s a bit too grand in scope?

Writer: Well I’ve got 8 episodes. It’ll probably be fine.

Producer: So tell me about the story.

Writer: Well we’re going to meet our 5 heroes who are waking up from a night of revelry and urine antics only to discover they’re missing time.

Producer: You mean beyond normal missing time from revelry and urine antics?

Writer: Yayaya!

Producer: Ah ok, so we’re going to spend 8 episodes putting together the missing pieces?

Writer: No we’re never going to talk about it again.

Producer: <confused> Oh ok, well so what happens next?

Writer: Well they run into this woman named Poska who runs a local thieves guild and she wants their help stealing an item from a ship!

Producer: Ah ok, so what’s Poska’s deal?

Writer: Well she wears a red trench coat and she’s evil.

Producer: That’s her motivation? She’s evil?

Writer: Yea and she wants them to retrieve this item, which turns out to be a Vestige of Divergence but a super evil one!

Producer: That’s from the thing!

Writer: Yes it is. So they get the Vestige of Divergence which turns out to belong to Lloth the evil queen of spiders and they decide they can’t turn it over to a thieves’ guild. But they need answers, so they go to this giant ash hole just outside the city.

Producer: Oh giant ash holes are tight!

Writer: I mean, I guess.

Producer: So what happens at the ash hole?

Writer: Well they discover an elemental rift powered by an incomplete rune, so they have to find out what the rune means or it could be disastrous!

Producer: Oh no! How are they going to do that?

Writer: Well they’re going to have to head back to the city to get the help of someone who can read magic runes!

Producer: Back to the city? But that’s where the thieves’ guild is!

Writer: Yea it’s real dangerous, but they gotta go. I mean this rune could spell bad news maybe.

Producer: So do they find this person who can read runes?

Writer: Yes sir, it turns out its Gilmore!

Producer: He’s from the other thing!

Writer: And Gilmore tells them that he can’t read the rune but he knows it comes from a lost civilization far to the south and if the group goes and gets more runes he could translate the original.

Producer: He needs more runes of a language he can’t read to translate a rune he can’t read from a civilization that’s been lost for centuries that you can walk to in a few weeks?

Writer: He does.

Producer: So what happens next?

Writer: Well Gilmore helps them out by selling them any magic item they want at a discount and giving them a cart for free so they can escape the city unseen.

Producer: What are you talking about, he literally just met them.

Writer: Yea but he likes them now.

Producer: I suppose that’s fine. So they escape the city unseen?

Writer: No they’re caught by Poska almost immediately.

Producer: Oh no! Do they fight their way out?

Writer: Sort of, they charm Poska and tell her to walk away but she’s real mad about it.

Producer: Oh well, I’m sure it will lead to an exciting pursuit as an entire thieves’ guild starts tracking them down.

Writer: We’re never going to see them again.

Producer: What? They stole from her and they’re in a cart. Surely they’d go after the party!?

Writer: Nah, they have like an hour head start. But if they ever come back to the city they’ll be in big trouble.

Producer: I guess that makes sense.

Writer: So then the party spends a few weeks travelling south and they run into a monk who they apparently first met during their missing time and she helps them destroy an evil version of one of the party.

Producer: And she fills them in on the missing time?

Writer: No.

Producer: Seems like she would.

Writer: Yea but she’s not. So anyway they’re also helped out by this elven woman Myr’atta who’s all “What have you done!?”

Producer: What have they done?

Writer: Unclear.

Producer: So what’s Myr’atta’s deal?

Writer: Well she’s there to deal with leaky energy.

Producer: Leaky energy? That’s sort of vague.

Writer: Extremely vague, sir. But she’s secretly the big bad of the campaign so I had to have a reason to introduce her.

Producer: Oh she’s the big bad!? Why didn’t you say so? So what’s her deal?

Writer: Well she’s evil and wears a purple cloak.

Producer: Didn’t we already do the evil and wears a color thing?

Writer: We did, but since Poska stayed in the city I needed a new one.

Producer: It just seems like you replaced a villain with a reason to pursue the party with one they ran into by happenstance and then switched the color of their clothing.

Writer: Look I’m gonna need you to get all the way off my back about the villain.

Producer: Whoa ok let me get off of that thing.

Writer: So Myr’atta learns that one of the party members has a warlock patron and she wants it for herself so she starts following the party in secret.

Producer: Oh no!

Writer: Then the monk is going to guide the party to the lost civilization and it turns out it’s just filled with people.

Producer: There’s a lost civilization filled with people that nobody knows about? How is that possible?

Writer: Unclear.

Producer: Well ok then. Well at least it should be easy to get the rune translated.

Writer: Super easy, barely an inconvenience.

Producer: Oh really?

Writer: Yea they meet this leader there who is just like “Oh yea it means ‘place of burning’”.

Producer: Seems a little on-the-nose and unhelpful.

Writer: Yea super on-the nose and unhelpful.

Producer: So what happens next? Do they head back home now that they’ve got a fully translated rune thus rendering the need for Gilmore’s assistance entirely moot?

Writer: Well they’re told the rune marks a place too full of energy even further south and they need to go there.

Producer: Why?

Writer: Because that’s what I wrote. So they start heading there when Myr’atta shows up and attempts to kidnap the warlock of the party, only the group saves her. But Myr’atta escapes with the warlock’s magic.

Producer: What? How did she steal her magic?

Writer: Unclear. But the party now has to follow her to the place they were going anyway to get the warlock’s magic back.

Producer: I don’t . . . what do you . . . oh whatever.

Writer: And the monk leaves the party and tells her leader that she fears they’re being drawn south for the wrong reasons.

Producer: How are they being drawn? They just came here to find a rune to translate another rune.

Writer: I dunno, they’re just being drawn now. So they’re given a map and told to head south to a ruin and then head south from there, but when they get to the ruin there’s this large floating cube so of course they stop to investigate.

Producer: That makes sense, you don’t often find a giant floating cube outside of a scotch and coke.

Writer: So in the process of investigating the cube they destroy it and they’re attacked by Myr’atta and some stone constructs. Then Myr’atta targets the warlock and steals her magic.

Producer: Wait I thought you said she already stole her magic.

Writer: Oh did I? Well magic is mysterious I guess and she needs to steal more of it for her evil plan to be carried out.

Producer: What is her evil plan again?

Writer: To draw the party to this exact spot where she can use the place too full of energy to empower the warlock’s patron enough to separate it from the warlock so that anyone can use it as a patron.

Producer: Doesn’t that require a lot of convenient choices by the party?

Writer: What do you mean?

Producer: Well if they hadn’t run into her to begin with, or if she hadn’t learned of the warlock’s power, or if the party had turned back after getting the rune translated, or if they didn’t follow the map, or if they kept heading south then, or if they hadn’t destroyed the cube, then her plan fails. And don’t warlock patrons make the choice who they empower anyway?

Writer: Huh. So anyway she draws out the warlocks Patron and nearly kills the party with magic that’s super way beyond their ability level, but then the warlock puts on the evil vestige and defeats her!

Producer: Does she blast her with some evil divine magic gifted to her by a deity!?

Writer: No she just slices her throat with a dagger.

Producer: A little anti-climactic. Are there going to be any consequences for her using the evil vestige?

Writer: None whatsoever. So that’s it. The party heads off for adventures unknown. What do you think?

Producer: Well it sounds like there may be some unresolved plotlines that were included for no reason, but we can address those in a season 2.

Writer: Oh you think there will be a season 2?

Producer: Of course there will be a season 2. We have an audience so starved for content they watched a D&D game about Wendy’s. There may be a few small issues, but I doubt anyone will put in way too much effort to complain about them.

by Boffleslop