Was looking through an old hard drive today and I found some old pictures of me from before I transitioned. I only have a few of them because I didn’t like taking pictures of myself back then (hmm, I wonder why? /s). I thought about deleting them because I don’t like how I looked back then, but in a weird way they also made me happy. I think it is because they serve as a reminder as to how far I have come in the four years since I realized that I am trans. Comparing them with current pictures of myself, it is very obvious that I am much happier now.
I also found some old picrews that I made of myself shorty after I realized that I am trans. These made me really happy for multiple reasons. One is that they brought back a lot of memories. The other is helped me figure something out. I’ve been trying to figure out exactly when I had the realization and the best I had beforehand was sometime in late 2019, but those pictures are dated October 28th which makes them the earliest evidence of me being trans that I have. I made like thirty of them but here are two of them that I like.
Past me would be so happy to know that I actually look like this now:
This is an image that I think I used to come out to a few people. It’s hard to see, but I decided to add some estradiol to my mouth:
Anyways, I just felt like sharing. I’m curious if anyone else also used picrew at first to explore their gender. Also if you have any transition related stories you feel like sharing, I’d love to read those too.
Disclaimer: I don’t recommend DIY, there’s too many risks.
Well I’ve been a victim of gatekeeping. After a lot of consideration I decided to try hrt on my own for 3 weeks, to see if it would do anything mentally. It had a huge impact and that’s what gave me the courage to be patient again and to go look for help again.
And exactly on the day that my hrt ran out my crush came to visit. It was terrible because I was irritated and angry all the time and I even ended a friendship that day. To make things worse she had to write down my deadname and at some point she accidentally misgendered me. That really hurt because I trust her and she’s only known me as a woman. I’m not sure how I feel about her any more.
Yesterday I went to a lesbian party and I made so many connections. And I was able to see myself in the mirror again when I came home.
I’d also like to add that I’ve learned that a social transition includes transforming the connection with yourself. There’s this weird kind of transphobia in me. Do you know what I mean?
Yeah I get that last part. I had a lot of internalized transphobia at first, and it took me a long time to get rid of most of it. Sometimes it will still crop up when I’m trying to go to sleep which is really annoying.
Any tips?
Something my therapist taught me is to find evidence against my doubt. Sometimes the thought that I am not really a woman and that I should go back to being a guy will pop into my head, and then I remember how happy starting HRT and filing my name change paperwork made me, and it helps that thought go away pretty quickly.
It’s funny calling it evidence. I suppose that’s how we all figured it out.