Sorry in advance for the depressing thread, but I don’t have anyone in my life with trans experiences and I need advice on what I’m feeling.
As much as we might wish we could waking up one morning with the body of a gorgeous k-pop idol or something, the fact is reality doesn’t work that way. And this kind of thing is what I’m struggling with the most, the fact that I’m always going to struggle with body hair and masculine features.
I was on HRT for one month, and still have the relevant medications in my bathroom, but stopped. Partially due to lack of support, but mostly due to self-doubt and lack of confidence that I’ll ever be happy with how I look. I just couldn’t see the woman inside coming out.
I kept asking myself: what would be worse? Constantly wishing I could successfully transition, or transitioning and having to live with never being able to pass? This became additionally concerning with the uptick in abuse against trans people.
Part of me feels guilty for stopping and falling back on the safe suffering I already know, and a part of me feels guilty for giving up, part of me is scared of all the new things I’ll have to learn if I re-start, and another part of me is concerned about how my partner would feel if I started again, I know she doesn’t approve but doesn’t want to say so.
For those of you who are/were larger, or taller, or older, or more hairy, how did you manage these concerns? For those of you without resources in your life to aid your transition, how did you get support?
Thank you for reading.
Looking at translater on reddit, thinking a lot of men like taller woman and laser. Having a ton of dysphoria certainly had an impact too I suppose
There is laser hair removal and ffs as well.
I had those doubts too for a short while but then one day I woke up and saw her. I’m tall, although not hairy, and it used to bother me, until I realized that there are plenty of cis women who are also tall. There was a woman who used to come into where I worked and she was like 7 feet tall.
I don’t know what it is like to not have anyone who is supportive but I can imagine that it is very difficult. In my opinion, you should focus on what is going to make you happy. I think that starting back up on HRT would make you happy, or else you wouldn’t feel the way you do for stopping, and clearly you care or else you wouldn’t have made a post here. I think you should have a serious talk with your partner about it though. If they are unsupportive like you think, then you should probably separate. Your life is yours and you should live it for yourself and not anyone else.
Something that has helped me is this quote I heard Eric Andre say, “The people who mind don’t matter, and the people who matter don’t mind.” That singular quote has given me so much confidence in my life since I first heard it and I think it could be very useful to you as well
Let’s get one thing out of the way: you’re not guilty of anything here.
Transitioning is a choice, and it’s up to each transgender person to decide when and how to do so. Some people never transition - that’s perfectly valid.
What is most important is your comfort and safety, and if you don’t feel ready, then it’s absolutely OK to pause your transition.
I’m nearly 40, began medical transition at 37. It took me… a decade to resolve my identity. I passed through various stages. The realization of being transgender hit like a ton of bricks. Surprising, and yet not, somehow? I lived decades believing I was stuck in my body.
I will say that I have experienced tremendence progress in recent years. It took 6 months to a year of HRT before I could see “the woman in the mirror”. Now I see my true self more often than not - it’s a wonderful and priceless feeling. My breasts continue to grow and round out - long after I feared my transition was stalled.
However, I’m blessed with a very supportive partner and life circumstances that allow me to make such changes without worrying about family.
My body is naturally somewhat feminine. I still die inside sometimes when I see my face (beard/stubble, receded hairline, nose), hear myself speaking too deeply, or get misgendered. I’m over 6 feet tall - I stand out.
Here’s where I’m at three years in:
- changed name and pronouns at work
- first time dressing authentically in public this year. Even wore a bikini at the beach!
- first electrolysis consultation next week
- first voice therapy session next week
- therapist is writing letter for surgeons
- first endo appointment last month, first real prescriptions (was DIY for 2.5 years)
- early 2024 will start getting surgeon referrals
I have only now reached a point where I’m comfortable moving forward. I also feel the pressure of my state’s anti-trans politics, the longer I wait, the harder this is going to be. Indeed I feel compelled, not only to make the best decision for myself, but to face my opponents and show them I won’t back down.
Is it frightening? Oh hell yes. Transitioning is terrifying, it’s super difficult and expensive. Not everything that comes from that is good. I’m not going to judge anyone for stopping or delaying their transition.
If you can live as your assigned gender, and you find ways to cope, more power to you. Everyone’s path is different. I do recommend a good therapist so you can discuss how you feel. IMO your relationship and your own mental health depends on it.
about being large and tall - I’ve learned to shift the blame away from me and onto manufacturers of clothes who make large and plus sizes but they’re never long/tall enough.
Your feelings and concerns are valid, and while being trans isn’t a choice, going through with transitioning is. And transitioning is a lot! Especially if you don’t have a really supportive family.
As far as results- it takes time, and the hormones are only part of it. If your goal is to pass, there are lots of other things that will help with that - in my experience, voice being the most important. But even learning how to do your makeup, style your hair, and wear clothes for your body shape will help look more ‘natural’.
And yeah, it would be nice to wake up and be a k pop idol, and guess what? Cis girls feel like that too! There are insane, unrealistic standards applied to women’s beauty.
As you think about it, just ask yourself what will make you happy? What will allow you to be the best version of yourself? For some of us it’s transitioning, for others it’s finding ways to express our gender in ways that feel safe and comfortable. And while it’s important to consider your partner and her feelings, in the end it’s your life and your decision.
Lastly, I just want to say its really normal to feel a lot of anxiety about this, especially at the start. It’s a big change, and a long, difficult journey, and we don’t know the exact destination until we get there. I hope you can make a choice that will help you find peace. If you have any questions about the process itself or what to expect, I would be happy to talk more.
My plan for not ending up in the situation of never being able to pass is to do kigurumi or getting a fursuit. That way, I can actually be the cute anime girl who I wanna be.
Long, rainbowy multicolored hair is helping me.
