Image of a screenshot of Twitter of a screenshot of Facebook.
The Facebook screenshot reads:
Fun fact about me: When I’m having a conversation with you, I will periodically bring up personal experiences from my own life, interspersed withing your own stories that you’re telling me. I’m not doing this to try and make the conversation about me, or to take away from your own experience. Actually, what I’m attempting to do, is to try and show you that I do, in fact, understand what you’re trying to tell me, and that I am giving your story my full attention.
It can really be off-putting to some people, so if I’ve ever done this to you during a conversation, I just wanted to make sure you know that I wasn’t trying to take over your story, I was just doing my best to connect with you in the moment.
The screenshot of Twitter reads:
This. I am fully aware that I do this. And I feel so guilty every time, but this. Understand this.
This isn’t normal conversation?
Uh-oh. This is Autistic?
Uh-oh. UH-oh. UH-OH!
rocking back and forth intensifies
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Yes. They’re called narcissists. This isn’t an autism thing. This is a human empathy thing.
I do this all the time, I see nothing wrong with it, this person expalained it, but I thought it was obvious 🤨… like, I would like someone to do the same while I’m talking about something, cuz that shows interest and that that person can relate to my problem(s).
On the other hand, if people are like “yeah, yeah, I get it… mhm, yeah, you’re right… mhm… mhm…” I just stop talking, it’s obvious they’re not interested in the subject I’m talking about… well, at least that’s my reasoning.
Isn’t this just normal behaviour? There is nothing wrong in this, to my understanding.
There are degrees. If someone’s sharing about their recent stillborn child, it’s probably best not to bring up that one time I was 6 and my cat died and I can really, really sympathize. Anyone who worries about this is probably that person and could spend more time asking questions and less time, “relating”.
Many find the interrupting part to be disrespectful and rude, but it really isn’t.
I’ll often consciously play a game where I try to get my conversational partner to ‘open up’, telling me more personal information than a person would normally tell. Meanwhile, I keep my revelations to a minimum, keeping the ratio as high as I can. I’ve had people cry and hug me, all while knowing nothing about me. I do like helping people and comforting them though.
Probably sociopathic behavior now that I think about it. Forget I mentioned it.
I respect this. I fix computers for a living and people tell you a surprising amount about their lives if you just nod and agree with platitudes like “Oh yeah, I definitely get it.” and “That’s fair enough”
Hahaha, as a nurse, I think you should become a nurse. This is a clinical skill we are taught called “therapeutic use of self.”
I will selectively tell stories from my own personal background explicitly for the sake of drawing more information out of a patient, letting them know they’re not alone I’ve been through something similar, or sometimes just a funny anecdote to distract them from something uncomfortable.
But it’s never about something I’m particularly interested in talking about. It’s only because it’s relevant to the patient’s current situation and I feel like it might help them in some way. Because, after all, love y’all and everything, but I’m at work here, not trying to socialize with ya.
And yes…it sometimes feels a little sociopathic lol
It’s been mentioned below that you’re unknowingly employing a therapeutic skill as a coping mechanism, but it bears mentioning that you absolutely could and should consider with a professional why it arose. Neurodivergence or personality disorders do lend themselves to developing these kind of coping strategies. It might be worth seeing someone to discover if new self-understanding and control are just around the corner.
Apparently I do this subconsciously. I’ve literally had thousands of people tell me that, “You’re so easy to talk to,” or “I wouldn’t tell anyone else this, but you make me feel safe.”
I’ve yet to figure out how to actually use this autistic power for good.
This sounds like a kind of, admittedly wicked, talent. Wanna share how you would go about it?
(Edit: ok I think you got what I did there, judging from the fact that you deleted the reply)
Honestly just showing genuine interest in a person is often enough.
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If you are self-aware about this, then… tone it down. Like, 50% of the time you feel the urge to tell a related story, just don’t. It’s okay.
Oh for sure. I’ve already toned it down to like 80%. However, there are some people with which I realized I toned it down 100% because they become accusatory (“you’re trying to make it about yourself”) or insulting (“you have no self-awareness because your autistic”). They wont necessarily say it so explicitly, but they definitely do it in a passive-aggressive manner that means the same thing. Regardless, I’m in the process of slowly removing them from my life.
Wait. Is that not normal? I do exactly this all the time.
It can be seen as rude because you’re interrupting someone’s story.
My coworker does this neat trick where she interrupts with, “Oh I have a story too but I’ll tell it later. Remind me!”
And I always liked how she does that.
It’s physically painful to try to keep the story in.
I find that neurotypical people feel like you’re trying to compete with them for how bad your life is. They want to have it worse than you so they can get more sympathy. By making them feel like their struggles are not exceptional, you make them feel somehow less special. I never really understood that, but I guess a lot of people just can’t stand to lose, even if it’s a race to the bottom.
This is nothing about winning or losing or not feeling special. It’s not always rude to bring the conversation back to you, but often when someone is telling a story it’s respectful to keep the conversation about their story until they’re done. Then they will extend you that curtesy. But the conversation didn’t start with your story or interjection, it only popped into your head because someone else is talking. Next time, you can start the conversation about your story and the listener will let you finish.
I think sometimes it’s about winning. I knew this one guy who just ALWAYS did it better, or had it worse. If he asked how you were doing and you said “Great! I just beat a tough level on Candy Crush!” He’d say (and I’ll add that he didn’t have an aggressive tone at all, he was always friendly) “Oh that’s great! I used to play that game a lot. Haven’t touched it since I beat ALL the levels, though”
And even if you immediately followed that up with, “but, I just got news that my grandma isn’t doing well.” He’d be like, “Oh man, that’s hard to hear, one of my grandma’s has Alzheimer’s, and the other has terminal cancer all over her body. Could get the call any day.”
And even though he was always friendly I walked away from every conversation feeling like I didn’t matter at all.
If you don’t try to verbally relate to the other person’s experience isn’t more of a lecture than a conversation?
All people want to do is lecture you and have you tell them they are right
Jesus, Megan – we get it – this happens to YOU too. How about letting Vicky finish her story
Why so many times i read adhd and now autism memes i can relate to them.
A lot of them are typical experiences that are just more more intense or frequent among ASD/ADHD. So while everyone pees, if you’re being 100 times per day, then it becomes indicative of a larger issue.
Idk about other instances, but almost anyone I had a long conversation with seems to do this…
Because it’s completely normal to share personal experiences during conversations with people you are familiar with. In fact, in my opinion, the weird part would be calling someone out for bringing up a conversationally relevant anecdote.
Could be that it’s appropriate or inappropriate depending on context, or how you do it, and auti folk are less intrinsically able to read the room. So the autistic trait here would not be doing it, but getting called out about it or fretting about it. NTs wouldn’t really give it a second thought.
the weird part would be calling someone out for bringing up a conversationally relevant anecdote.
I think where the autism comes in is that many times we’ll 2nd guess ourselves when this happens and take on the blame, when really, the other person is instigating the problem by being insulted, then blaming the person trying to relate.
Gonna say it’s because conversations are supposed to be an equal back-and-forth and the internet makes me sad?
So, what ways do we know to demonstrate active involvement with someone’s story? And when are they appropriate or inappropriate?
- adding your own experiences (as per the OP)
- asking questions
- making noises - “mm-hm, ooh”
- mirroring the speaker’s expressions
- eye contact
- gestures like nodding
- interjecting with an opinion (preferably sympathetic to the speaker)
Can you think of any more? Are there cultural variations? Any other observations?
You forgot mirroring-repeating what they said back to them as if it was your input. “So what you’re saying is…”
Like you’re a movie character taking a phone call, and you have to provide exposition for the audience? That’s pretty funny
If they get really proficient at it, they’ll start talking like Dora the Explorer.
You would think it would be obvious when you’re doing it, but as long as you don’t overuse it you’re good.
60% of the time it works every time.
Other forms of back channeling like ah, ok, yes, I see, wow?
‘Back channeling’ - that’s a new one on me.
There’s also a sort of ironic pushback - “no way! Get out of here! You’ve gotta be kidding!”. This one feels like a trap tbh, haha.
And when are they appropriate or inappropriate?
This is my big problem. In a group where people are telling stories about themselves, when it’s my turn, my stories are inappropriate somehow. In 50+ years, I still haven’t figured out what I say that’s wrong,
I’ve spent ages analysing my stories compared to others and I can’t figure out the difference, and no one will tell me. Is it the content (seems comparable) or how I tell it?
It seems better to just say ‘pass’ in those situations and stop engaging.
I suspect most of the time, when folks won’t tell you what you did wrong, they don’t really know themselves. Either that or it’s some stupid power play thing where they think you’re trying to challenge their status.
Other option - tell the stories you want to tell, and everyone just has to learn that’s what to expect from you.
Thank you, that helps.
or it’s some stupid power play thing where they think you’re trying to challenge their status.
Although if it’s that, I’ll never figure it out. I can’t even begin to relate to that enough to identify it.
Are you being inappropriate or are you just misreading their reaction? My brother, who is neurodivergent, got very upset recently because he said he made a joke that offended everyone he worked with over a video chat. When I got the details from him, what actually happened is no one laughed and he thought that meant he had offended them.
I’m not sure there’s a correct answer to that, because the answer is technically yes, I think I’ve been inappropriate sometimes but also yes, I’ve been been told to stop sharing by several peers as an adult in several different settings, but not by anywhere near the number of peers I had.
Logically, it doesn’t make any sense to let a tiny percent outweigh the majority. It doesn’t feel nice, though.
e: tried to clarify
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in my case, I only like the first two and the rest bother me lol
As speaker or listener? All that active listening stuff feels so unnatural to me, and if anything it’s harder to listen if I try to do it myself.
both
I think everything there is what people tend to want except point 1
That, to me, stemmung from my prior experiences, would reduce conversation down to office talk.
Real conversations aren’t like diatribes in the movies, which are really monotribes cuz of singular authors.
The monotribes seem to flow so easily from character to character because, in reality, they are all flowing from the same source.
Real life talking isn’t Person A rants esoteric and emotional and B-unit responds with body language like a fucking NPC. Real talk is two people fleshing out a topic that’s outside themselves, or if it’s a part of themselves, it’s disassociated with to be put under the spotlight. Thru the sharing of experiences with Topic© the 2 parties can assess their knowledge as well as the others knowledge, and glean useful insights, strategies, or get advise that they might not have thought of
Seriously, this is the only form of conversation that even makes evolutionary biological sense. In a world where, once you leave to comforts of society and remember that, as much as a pain in the ass as other people are, without them, alone in the wild, 99% of us are something’s lunch. We forget that little fact really fast. There is nothing more valuable to a person, to their safety, survival, and sanity as another person is. Idk, otherwise just seems like a pov born out of non-introspective privilege.
Fucking I’ll nod along and play supporting character if, and only if, there’s a paycheck attached, and that’s it, end of story.
I’m afraid however much you might not like it, those rote conversations do serve a purpose. It’s the same purpose that other apes fill by picking each other’s fleas - it establishes who is part of the group, who they consider worthy of their time. There’s probably apes that don’t like grooming and don’t see the point in it, but they’ll still struggle if they don’t engage with it in some way.
And that’s why I started my own business and work for myself, so I can decide when I’ve had enough of the social pecking/preening order.
Before that tho, I very loudly would only hear what is physically said and completely ignore any subtext. This was not/is not an uncommon thing from me. E.g: “What was that? Oh hey, that’s sweet of you! I appreciate your interest in the fulfillment of my physical needs. Were you offering me a hand? It’s only polite if i offer you the same. Hey boss! I might need a few minutes with Ms Classy over here, be right back” them: “I said go fuck yourself”, me: “did you not hear a thing I said? You might need this more than me, your heads aaaaaaaaaall clogged up”.
Just say what you mean. Communication is simple. Sarcasm/passive-aggressiveness/subterfuge require both parties to play along the same rules. Don’t play. Take everything 100% literal. I refuse the game. They can learn how to use the actual words they mean. I understand the nuance, the implied, the undertones, the jockeying, I am hyper aware of the power dynamics - I just don’t care. I prefer honesty and directness. This doesn’t mean I’m crass or I disregard trauma or processwork in other people. People deserve respect. I’ll work on the side that build my periphery people up than the side that uses social interactions to cut them down. And unfortunately, there’s enough pain in this world and I don’t have fucking time to address the HOAs thoughts on my garage door being open while I carry groceries in.
Anyone is worth time. Say something interesting, or something real -not dressed up in pretense, niceties or forcing allusions. An honest question is a simple example, being like 'yo, this might make me dumb but is there a better way to use this tool? It seems harder than someone would intend."
No one responds to that with ridicule, people just offer the help, because the earnesty is appreciated. In fact people generally respond to a humble earnest request as if it’s refreshing for them to hear; whole demeanors change almost instantly, as if some hot knowledge just cut thru the social butter (to mix my metaphors).
interspersed withing your own stories that you’re telling me.
This is what I don’t get. The neurotypical person is the one telling personal stories, but then we’re the bad people when we…tell personal stories.
I just see the same behaviors in everyone all the time and wonder what exactly is making the difference between neurotypical and neurodiverse. Besides an undue stigma from neurotypicals against people who don’t fit absolutely perfectly into social norms for whatever arbitrary reasons.
I think the expectation is that you ask questions about their story as opposed to telling your own as it shows interest directly and lets them continue to be the focus of the interaction. If someone came up to you and started a story about their weekend, it seems to be expected that instead of saying “mine too I did xyz” (if that happens to be similar) we’re supposed to ask about their weekend in more detail so they can keep talking about their story.
Sucks because the way I relate is exactly how OPs image puts it lol I’m showing I can relate by saying I’ve been through a similar thing, but that’s harder for people to realize I guess and it takes the focus away from the person talking.
At the same time, advice I’ve heard is to not “turn every social interaction into an interrogation”. People have told me that I ask too many questions and should talk about myself more. So to me the expectation seems to be striking a balance. Sigh.
This is a non autistic neurotypical thing to do too. If you get someone who is bitching at you saying an occasional 5 second aside showing that you relate to what they’re saying, they’re just an asshole, and they’re in the wrong.
I mean if you’re doing every other sentence, then yeah, that’s a bit much. But now and then is expected and someone who wants a half hour of center stage quiet from the audience should find a stage and a brick wall
This is what I don’t get.
I think reading this book can help you understand a lot of the neurotypical world.
Ultimately, what I found is that I know I’m doing my best, mean well, and care about others. If certain people don’t see that or even attack me instead, I just excuse them from my life. It’s not my job to control what other’s think of me. It’s my job to control what I think of me, behave in a way that fits my values, and place myself in settings that make me happy.
I do it because I have nothing else to say and I’m trying to keep the convo going.
If you really have nothing to say, just ask for a bit more detail on something they said.
Just for the things that sound important to the other person, you can always ask things like “and what happened next?” “But why” or similar. Just a few questions that are open ended, so the storyteller is free to go into as much detail as they desire.
Omg I want to print this out and staple it to my chest. I’ve been accused so many times of being a ‘one-upper’ when I’m just doing my best to relate to people.
I also need a label like sandpaper has – I’m like 60 grit abrasive.
Oh god, I’m doing it again, aren’t I?
I’ve been accused so many times of being a ‘one-upper’ when I’m just doing my best to relate to people.
Yes!! I’ve noticed that this happens mostly with people that are insecure. If someone relates to me by sharing an experience that is more intense than mine, then I want to hear about it because it sounds interesting and could really help put mine in perspective. However, an insecure person would not because they think that your experience means you are “better” than them on the undisclosed hierarchy. Since accepting that they are “less” than you is too threatening to their sense of self-worth (remember, they are so insecure that sharing a personal unemotional experience causes them distress), they attack you because you are “making them feel bad.” It’s really insecurity and projection.
Personally, I find that this whole phenomenon is a highly ingrained mess that is too hard to unpack, and I end up feeling bad about myself in the end. So, I believe it’s best to just maintain some distance from individuals like this. It’s too exhausting having to constantly protect their self-worth from their own decision to perceive attempts at bonding as attacks. No one is at fault or anything. It’s just not a good fit.
I’ve gotten better results if my interjected story is funny.
