To clarify what I mean, I as a Femboy have had people very aggressively try and say that I am a “trans girl in-denial” because of the fact that I dress like a girl.
Why is this behavior seen as okay or acceptable in the community, when it pushes very hurtful gender stereotypes onto people? Some people say it’s to help people who are actually in denial but that seems wrong and contradictory because I’ve also heard that the way someone identifies needs to be respected, so in that regard the idea of challenging and gaslighting people who are perceived as being “in-denial” isn’t respecting their identity. Also there’s the whole part about dismantling harmful gender stereotypes when the whole idea of Egg culture actually forces these onto people with the idea that dressing as a girl makes someone a girl when that simply isn’t true and it is about identifying that way, not about conformity.
The worst ones I’ve experienced though were heteronormity, because I am also gay I was told that it’s a sign that I’m a girl because “boys aren’t attracted to boys” yes I was hit with homophobia and the people doing tried to use it as an example of why I must be trans.
I should note that this behavior has been very rare both here on lemmy.ca and on lemmy.blahaj.zone, most of the really bad stuff has happened to me from Reddit and IRL friends, I’ve also seen quite a bit on raddle.me but I don’t have an account or presence there (thankfully).
Seriously I’d really like to know why people think this is okay, I know some people think it can be helpful or beneficial but I don’t see how something that causes severe stress, discomfort, and self-doubt can be beneficial i.e.
Oh Sweetie, stop lying to yourself you’re not a boy, boys don’t act like that. No matter how much you deny it you’re already a girl. All you need is HRT to give you boobs and bottom surgery.
You’re attracted to boys? That’s not very cis, you dress and act like a girl and if you’re also attracted to boys that indicates that you are definitely a girl. You need to accept that you are trans whether you like it or not.
She’s so totally in denial, I mean just look at her, it’s so clear that she’s a girl, yet she thinks that she’s a tr*p. One day she’ll figure it all out and feel so stupid.
Yeah these and plenty of the other ones like them really made me feel gross and uncomfortable, definitely disrespected. I really don’t see how any of these could be felt as supportive or compassionate when they are so cold and harsh and have so little consideration for the person receiving them.
It’s very much not okay. In general, imposing labels on people is a bad thing. Doesn’t matter how much better someone thinks they know, people get to explore their identities in their own way and at their own pace.
When I see someone imposing the egg or trans label I generally point them to the egg prime directive here.
When someone is just told they are trans, that opens ground for denial; it activates defense mechanisms built by internalized transphobia, and it has a high probability of pushing them further into the closet, if not making them outright transphobic. Even when it doesn’t, it leaves ground for their own subconscious to reject their dysphoria, claiming that they were just manipulated or deceived. The much more effective strategy is to talk about your own experiences with dysphoria so that they see the common grounds and come to their own conclusion about their gender. The code doesn’t forbid helping them to explore their gender; it forbids assigning a gender to them. Or, to put it more succinctly, you cannot be told what the Matrix is; you can only be shown.
As to why some people don’t follow that. Either they don’t know better, in which case educating them should fix it, or they are simply [epithet of your choice here]. Any community of sufficient size will have bad actors in it.
TW: I’m going to use an old word that may be uncomfy for some folks. (Transs*x*al)
(I’m going to go ahead and assume you’re not actively seeking out egg spaces/trans spaces and receiving these responses for reasons that should be obvious.
The worst ones I’ve experienced though were heteronormity, because I am also gay I was told that it’s a sign that I’m a girl because “boys aren’t attracted to boys” yes I was hit with homophobia and the people doing tried to use it as an example of why I must be trans.
This should be huge red flag that most anything they say needs to be disregarded. At best they’re people that believe in the Blanchard bullshit of HSTS (Homosexual Transsexual) and AGP (Autogynophelia), and at worst they’re someone acting in bad faith to harm the perception of the trans community.
Also there’s the whole part about dismantling harmful gender stereotypes when the whole idea of Egg culture actually forces these onto people with the idea that dressing as a girl makes someone a girl when that simply isn’t true and it is about identifying that way, not about conformity.
You have to understand that when someone’s internalized the idea that girls and women need to be/act a certain way in order to ‘be deserving of femininity,’ they’re probably going to be less inclined to attempt a presentation that breaks gender norms/societal expectations of gender. Trans women have, more often than not, been denied access to femininity for most of their life and as a result they tend to overcompensate when they start exploring their trans identity.
Some people say it’s to help people who are actually in denial but that seems wrong and contradictory because I’ve also heard that the way someone identifies needs to be respected, so in that regard the idea of challenging and gaslighting people who are perceived as being “in-denial” isn’t respecting their identity.
I feel that this comes from well meaning individuals that see a lot of themselves in another person/see that they’re on a similar path and try to show the person that, hey, there’s options out there! However I understand that many people do not have the level of tact that is required in order to not seem as if they’re denying a non-conforming individual’s identity.
I believe ‘egg culture’ has it’s time and place, but some people do take it too far, and I’m sorry you’ve had to listen to invalidating remarks.
However, the idea that egg culture can push non-trans people into being trans (I’m not saying that you believe this, as I did not get that vibe from your post.) is bullshit. To borrow a quote from very good trans literature…
Like, if you’re going to decide on your gender for the rest of your life based on what a couple idiots on the Internet tell you, you probably have problems beyond a false diagnosis of transsexuality. Plus, nobody said you had to commit the rest of your life to anything.
