cross-posted from: https://lemmy.blahaj.zone/post/25065914
I’ll never be more than a fetish to people
Mods, please lmk if this post is not appropriate for this community
My dream is to have someone—anyone—see me as more than just a friend. To have someone who wants me, in more than just a sexual way. That dream haunts me.
The only attention I receive is from Grindr. I see my worth as how much I can starve myself to stay thin. I figure at least if I’m petite, pervs online will want to use me as part of their fetish. I oblige them because they desire me in those fleeting moments. After they get what they want, they never contact me again. That is my value as a person.
I’m so insecure, so unconfident. I see people like my best friend, who can get any guy she wants without even trying, and I have only envy and resentment. What’s worse, I think I have feelings for her, unrequited love that will only serve to hurt more as she explores her new life as a single woman. I don’t think even she sees me as a woman, but as a feminine man who lies to himself in the mirror each day. A pretender.
I don’t even try anymore. What’s the fucking point?
Clearly I’m not in a good place mentally/emotionally. I’m tired of therapy; it has not helped me. I feel like a failure in almost all aspects of my life. I can’t even get high anymore, so now on particularly bad days I drink instead. Today I’m getting drunk. I don’t care to tell anyone IRL how I really feel these days. It’s just a waste of breath on my part, and a waste of time on their’s. No one I care about wants to hear about my problems, feelings and fears anymore. It’s best to accept this bitter reality—better to be the funny person than to share my internal struggles and profound sadness.
I’ve got my son, and he is going to venture out into the world on his own in a matter of a few years. Then I will truly feel alone. His love is what keeps me on this earth, nothing else.
i feel ya mate. fuck me I feel ya.
Dealing with bipolar is exhausting, it’s constant meds, therapy but always the bipolar rears it’s head. It can feel relentless, overwhelming and leave us feeling hopeless. With the hopelessness comes all the bad thoughts about us, our life, the world and everything. It can really drag us down.
I’m sorry things are bad mate, I’m here with you.
Thank you for the clarity. No one understands the struggle…but you seem to. If I’m not careful, I will confess to my best friend. But looking at it logically, there is not a single timeline in which this doesn’t end with the end of our multi-year relationship. There are times in which I truly believe the world would be better without me. Maybe this is one of those times. I’m definitely legally drunk, and will sleep and have nightmares of what could be. I wish I could sleep and never wake up.
It’s a tricky situation mate. Get some rest and we’ll be here when you wake up
It took a friend until his late 30s/early 40s? to find a medication that worked for that. It fucking sucked how much he struggled. Now, though, he’s much more stable, able to work again, going back to school, etc. I don’t have any advice, but I hope you find something that helps and hang on until you do.
