Monk was passing through. Some villagers saw him pissing on a statue of Buddha so they grabbed their pitchforks and went to pitchfork him. “Show me where Buddha is not, and I shall piss there.” said the monk.
Some Buddha once told me Rebirth was gonna roll me…
My favorite Buddhist tale is that of the Chinese monk Birdsnest, so called because he always hung out in a tree.
Now, Birdsnest was famous and highly regarded, and a governor heard of him and decided to seek him out. The governor travelled for days to reach birdsnest, and when he arrived, he asked “hey, birdsnest, what was it that all the Buddhas taught?” Basically, dude was asking for a one sentence summary of religion, like the famous tale of economic study resulting in the one sentence summary of “no such thing as a free lunch”.
Birdsnest answered “Don’t do bad things, only do good things.”
The governor scoffed, and said “my three year old nephew knows that!”
“Easy enough for the three year old to understand,” Birdsnest retorted, “but still very difficult for the sixty year old to do.”
A monkey was in a tree above a river and plunged into it. He came out with a fish and scurried up a tree. Once safe in its branches he said to the fish, “Holy shit, good thing I was here. You were about to drown!”
Intention without awareness can be harmful.
Another one is the two monks.
Two monks are traveling. Their sect of Buddhism doesn’t allow them to touch women. They came across a river and when they crossed it they saw a woman who capsized her canoe. The elder Monk swam to the woman and helped her to the shore. She hurt her leg so he carried her to the rest of her party.
Once they were traveling again, the younger monk continued to badger the elder Monk on why he thought it was okay to touch that woman. The elder Monk said, “I am no longer carrying that woman. Why do you insist on continuing to carry her?”
I’d never heard the former, but I adore the latter. I also really enjoy the tale of the horse that came back.
Finally some good ones, so far down the list, relayed by Fender Rinpoche no less. The best of these parables should be a bit of a brain teaser imo, have an element of surprise at least. Open up new ways of thinking about the world, and leave some room for contemplation.
I’ve been looking for a book that is a collection of them
Yeah I was thinking the same though it might be hard to find the right collection for you.
Highly regarded indeed.
The hungry tiger jataka is my favorite
"One day, the Bodhisattva and one of his disciples decided to take a stroll in the forest nearby. This had become a regular practice. They often went for strolls.
While they were walking, the Bodhisattva notices something extremely terrifying. He saw a tigress, which looked weak and hungry. The tigress was about to devour her own cubs. Now, that moved the Bodhisattva’s heart. He did not want the poor animal to suffer the guilt of eating her own cubs. So, he came up with an idea.
He sent his disciple back to do something. The Bodhisattva had decided that he would offer himself as food to the starving tigress. He simply could not let her eat her cubs. And he knew if his disciple had seen this, he would definitely stop the Bodhisattva from offering himself. You may also like to read, The Tiger And The Golden Bangle.
After the disciple is gone, the Bodhisattva approached the tigress. With the utmost compassion in his heart and no malice, he let the tigress devour him. The tigress ate him and fed the cubs as well. After a while, the disciple returned. When he saw the Bodhisattva’s blood stained clothes, he realized what had happened.
He knew the Bodhisattva well. So, he knew the hermit had offered himself to save the tigress. He went back and told his fellow disciples of the Bodhisattva’s sacrifice out of love and compassion. "
I think I figured out why Bodhisattvas went extinct.
Nah, they just get reborn. Like, ping
The problem is that tigers have a taste for Bodhisattvas now.
Upon seeing the blood stained clothes, the disciple said ‘Hey I was hungry, too! Fucking weirdo.’
The disciple was named Colonel Sanders and this was his inspiration to invent the hamberder and never be hungry again.
Removed by mod
Fasting grampa wants his life to matter, so feeds himself to Tiger instead of just bringing in another food source. Tiger gives no shits. But Grandpa lovers think his sacrifice was beautiful instead of unnecessary.
Not the Buddhist teaching. But my interpretation.
And one MAGA supporters should definitley read.
Yeah well this is why I think that kind of shit is not for me. Sounds cool and all no judgy but you know I have few other things on my mind other than being animal food
Enjoy yourselves however if that’s your thing (or rather let others enjoy you)
I think I am gonna focus on pleasantries of today thank you very much
You’ll get it after fasting for 20 days straight I’ve heard.
The loneliest goat sees the last sunset last
I felt a bit sympathetic to Buddhism up to the point when I actually visited a Buddhist temple and listened to the speeches of monks.
The amount of brain rot disguised as wisdom has made me feel Christianity ain’t that bad after all.
Sorry in advance to any Buddhist out there, but it struck me how the common perception of it differs from the actual thing.
That’s like saying, “I used to be a fan of pizza until I had one in Altoona, PA.”
There’s better pizza out there.
Wow, that’s an actual place. Is that Buddha’s favorite pizza joint or something?
Look up Altoona pizza.
Altoona pizza
Their body, their choice.
More power to them, but that is NOT what i would choose lol.
American cheese? What’s wrong with those people…
A lot, they also framed Luigi
Late to the party, and no offence to buddhism, but i always loved this quote from Terry Pratchett
“Master, what is the difference between a humanistic, monastic system of belief in which wisdom is sought by means of an apparently nonsensical system of questions and answers, and a lot of mystic gibberish made up on the spur of the moment?"
Wen considered this for some time, and at last said: “A fish!”
And Clodpool went away, satisfied.” ― Terry Pratchett, Thief of Time
(copies the quote from https://www.goodreads.com/work/quotes/46982-thief-of-time?page=2 but i’m rather sure its correct, so i didn’t check my copy).
I kinda lost my interest in Buddhism when I learnt that according to traditional Buddhist lore, women can’t reach Nirvana.
When they’ve collected enough good karma, they are reborn as a man.I mean aint that different from what the old testament teaches. Not saying the choice is between Christianity and Buddhism, but I’d assume most religions have patriarchy vibes baked into them. Not that I agree with religion, I see them all as means of various levels of crowd control for the masses, and somebody trying to benefit from it, be it a spiritual leader or an orange clown.
As a Jewish person what on earth are you saying? Im pretty sure the words say that women have souls that are acturally closer to god (which is why they have less commandments). That obviously doesn’t mean Judaism (or the old testiment) isnt patriarchal, it is (extremely) but its not comparable.
Surely that’s not all sects of Buddhism.
Good for them!
I hate you for making me laugh
Out of curiosity, which Buddhist tradition was this temple out of? I’ve had similar experience, but I get the feeling like Buddhist thought might be about as diverse as Christian.
It’s much more diverse than Christianity, actually. Buddhism isn’t so much a religion in the judeochristian sense as a characteristic that many religions have. There are Buddhist traditions that worship gods, there are godless Buddhist traditions that worship the Buddha, and ones thay don’t even worship the Buddha but just think he was a pretty wise dude. Some require you to meditate daily, others to chant some mantras, and there are Buddhist traditions like Zen that worship nothing and are all about getting your head out of your ass.
Plain Buddhism was kind of a downer so they made stuff like pure land buddhism that is more of a fun afterlife version instead of hardcore OG Buddha which is like kill yourself and stop existing forever because the world is just an eternal cycle of pain and reincarnation into more pain forever.
I get it, life sucks. but I ain’t giving up. This world is gonna have to stop me.
The Buddha never said to kill yourself, though. Your comment reads like those people who thought Nietzsche was depressed.
Yeah, Zen Buddhism kinda rocks.
Aye, perhaps not in the “Judeo-Christian” sense, but a religion nonetheless.
But actually it strikes me that “Judeo-Christianity” is more about theme or literature than form. The Christians claim a common God with the Jews, but that’s mostly it. In form Christianity seems more Greco-Roman than Judaic to me.
“Greco-Romo-Christan” maybe?
How does a monotheistic religion whose prophet explicitly claimed to be part of the succession of Jewish prophets and to have “come to confirm” their teachings seem more like a polytheistic religion where gods aren’t known for using prophets to send messages to the people to you? Serious question. I’m intrigued.
Jesus did not really claim to be part of succession of Jewish prophets based on the text in the New Testament. In the first three Gospels one could certainly describe him as a prophet, though by the fourth he was definitely being described as God. That in itself makes it far more like mithran cults than Judaism.
And while a lot of what he taught was consistent with Jewish thought, a lot of it was contrary to Jewish thought and practice too, even explicitly so. And later writings by Paul, which for better or worse are canonical to the vast majority of Christians, pull the religion further away from Judaism.
Now Greco Roman gods didn’t need prophets, because they had more formal roles that played similar functions: priests and oracles. Christianity on the other hand has prophets, saints, martyrs, and priests. Judaism on the other hand had priests, occasional prophets, then later rabbis. Notably Christian prophets prophesy about Jesus’s return or his goings on in heaven, while Jewish prophets were mostly telling people to get back into their covenant and stop marrying foreigners, usually promising freedom from whatever country was currently conquering them at the moment as a reward. Notably people claiming to be Jewish prophets do not get a lot of traction in Jewish communities these days, and have not for millennia.
I mean you can’t deny that Jesus was Jewish, but he was an eccentric Jew, and the people who became his hangers on created a religion that did not look like the religion he mostly practiced. Certainly not one that looks like Judaism of today.
Christianity says Jesus is god, uses multiple images of their God, but also multiple gods through their Trinity / triune God head work around, centers mostly around devotion and worship through novel praise rather than rule following and study. It often focuses on a personal relationship with the godhead. Judaism doesn’t do this stuff, but it’s not out of place in pagan traditions.
I mean Jesus was literally conceived by the Holy Spirit entering into Mary, like Zeus going into countless mortal women to make half-God children. I mean I guess it wasn’t technically sex because that would be tasteless, but certainly all the Jewish prophets I can think of were conceived through two human people having sex.
None of that’s to say there’s anything per se “wrong” with Christianity, but there’s a reason it exists alongside modern Judaism and not instead of it.
Those are all valid points. Still, Christian Cosmology is the same as Jewish Cosmology: the world as an artifact created and ruled by a single all-knowing monarch who is in essence different and separate from it. And Jesus did define himself as coming to confirm the teachings of Judaism e.g. in Matthew 5:17, although in practice his teachings were very different - hence Christianity not being considered a Jewish sect but a separate religion. And because of this claim he made, the Jewish scriptures were received into Christianity, bringing along several beliefs that simply have nothing to do with anything Jesus ever thought was worth mentioning and several more which directly contradict his teachings. So there is of course this powerful connection between the two that can’t really be severed.
As for “multiple gods through the Trinity”, I wouldn’t put it like that exactly. Rather than being similar to Greco-Roman polytheism, the doctrine of the Trinity seems to me closer to the Hindu Trinity of the Godhead (Brahman, Vishnu and Shiva). Hinduism is of course polytheistic but these three gods in particular are not separate persons but different aspect of the same entity that manifest in different circumstances. A crude analogy would be if a person adopted one identity at work, another one at home with their family and another one while asleep. It’s still the same person, but fulfilling different roles. So it is with the Holy Trinity of Christianity. Hence what Paul said in Philippians 2:5-8:
In your relationships with one another, have the same mindset as Christ Jesus: Who, being in very nature God, did not consider equality with God something to be used to his own advantage; rather, he made himself nothing by taking the very nature of a servant, being made in human likeness. And being found in appearance as a man, he humbled himself by becoming obedient to death — even death on a cross!
In any case, this is a very interesting discussion.
There are definitely elements of Christianity that mimic Greco-Roman (and other, older) mystery religions. Down to celebrating their deity’s birth at the same time and commemorating his death and rebirth by having followers share bread and wine.
My favorite theory of the origin of Christianity is that it was a Jewish attempt to mimic the mystery religions that were popular at the beginning of the Common Era.
The central point of mystery religions like the Eleusinian Mysteries is to cultivate the mystical experience. In judeochristian theology, that experience is considered sacrilegious. Some Jews let Jesus have it and became Christians, but nobody else is allowed. And the ones we call Jewish today didn’t even let that one guy have it.
The similarities between Christianity and Greco-Roman mysticism are only surface-level and were a marketing ploy to gain followers. In its core, Christianity is still Judaism, just packaged for export. Hence why two thousand years later, Christians are still quoting the Old Testament to justify bigotry, even though they claim to be followers of the guy who said “love each other as I have loved you”.
It feels to me like there’s an inconsistency between calling Christianity “Judaism for export”, and saying that it quotes the Old Testament for the purposes of bigotry. Or maybe it just feels antisemitic, even if not deliberately so. I mean it’s not like there isn’t bigotry in the New Testament, or radical acceptance in the Old.
But also I don’t think you can argue that Christianity is a mere extension of Judaism and at the same time argue that it shouldn’t utilize Jewish text.
Isn’t that just like the various branches of Christianity? Unitarianism, Quakers, etc.
Sort of but not really.
All branches of Christianity believe that Jesus was the Messiah and the Son of God and that the Bible was written under divine inspiration and is the literal Word of God, among other dogmas. They only differ in how they interpret the sacred scriptures.
Not only is there no centralized textual source for Buddhist teachings (there are several different sutras and each “kind” of Buddhism gets to pick and choose), and therefore no dogmas universal to Buddhism other than “what the Buddha said was true”, but as I said some believe in the Hindu gods, some in other local gods and some in none; some believe in reincarnation and some don’t; and some believe that the Buddha himself was born special like Jesus (though not from a virgin) while others believe he was just a regular Joe for his caste but who was brilliant enough to figure out a way to cease suffering.
So you could make a case for there existing Buddhist Hinduism, Buddhist Shintoism and even “atheist” (in the literal sense of not believing in the supernatural, not in the acquired sense of not being a religion) Buddhism. This last kind views the Buddha’s teachings as basically brilliant psychology lessons masked in mystical language to be more accessible to the audiences of the time.
Ah I see, thanks for the extra context!
You’re welcome! It’s always a pleasure to geek out about something I find interesting.
Tibetan, it’s a mix of Mahayana and Vajrayana
Yeah, the way you said it my first thought was “Tibetan”.
As a Buddhist it definitely varies like any religion. There are some bozo temples out there
Must be true indeed
A classic cult tactic tbh. Convince people that they can divine meaning from random nonsense and they’ll convince themselves that they are more enlightened and above those around them who don’t understand.
Care to give any examples ?
I’m not super good at remembering things I don’t need or accept, so I’ll speak a bit generally, but, for example, the cosmology and all the quasi-gods are extremely intertwined, excessively overcomplicated, but actually simple and repetitive;
Also the pretentious way it poses as a way to direct you in life (monks went so far as to say Buddhism goes far beyond modern philosophy and psychology and is at the forefront of knowledge in life of dignity and happiness), while really it can be condensed to “endure pain and man up, feelings don’t matter, just do what needs to be done”, which is super toxic and not really effective (and I wonder if it’s also contributing to the toxic work culture in the Far East).
Also, as in many religions, it’s full of stories about miracles happening every day (like, the man who was terminally ill, was set to die within a month and barely walked, but then decided to go 8000km by foot through entire Eurasia to the main temple, and he lived, and succeeded, and lived as a monk ever after).
Etc. etc.
Buddha wants a “peace” of pizza.
Buddhism’s “Life sucks? Be nice and die and you’ll get a better one” sucks but it’s still better than “you should be nice to others, but that’s too much to ask so go be as awful as you want and just regret it later and that’ll be fine”. But even that was better than whatever the fuck people are interpreting from religions these days.
koans fucking with white people is just a fringe benefit TBH
Bible stories are the same way, we’ve just heard them a million times so they don’t seem weird
“Hey Jesus what toppings do you want for pizza?”
“Plain with cheese”
Later the disciples are eating pizza with Jesus
"“Hey Jesus why did you say you like cheese pizza when you normally order pepperoni?”
“You dumb fucks how dare you not understand my hidden meaning, I am the true pizza and you are the pepperoni, the grease is my blood”
“Oh of course, sorry boss”
… And one day, Jesus saw a fig tree. It was not the season for figs, and so there were no figs on the fig tree. But still, Jesus wanted a fig. He was upset there were no figs, and so he cursed the tree to never bear fruit again. If he couldn’t have a fig, no one could! Probably bathed its roots in a thin stream of uric acid, I don’t know.
Point is, that fig tree never made another fig, and when his followers asked how, Jesus zipped up his pants and said “if you believe in me, you can do anything. Not only can you totally curse trees to death, you can fuckin’ teleport mountains into the ocean. That’d be sick, dude.”
- The Book of Dave, 69:66-6
Thought that one always tied back to the whole “you shall know them by their fruits” thing.
As in those who talk nice but don’t produce anything useful (like a fig tree that doesn’t produce figs, just leaves) are not really doing what Jesus said. Don’t be like the Pharisees hollering out in the streets, just love God and do good in the world.
Yes but it’s still weird because it wasn’t the right time of year for it to have fruit. The tree would have if Jesus hadnt been a dick.
Well then you’re back to Ecclesiastes. Everything in its season etc.
Idk, I was just trying to put the best argument forward, but l’m not really a fan of the New Testament in part because of its inconsistency.
There is a story in the Apocrypha (decanonized Bible books) where childhood Jesus turns another kid into a tree. I like to think it’s the same tree.
In response to calling a prophet bald:
“So he turned around and looked at them, and pronounced a curse on them in the name of the LORD. And two female bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the youths.” -New King James bible, 2 Kings 2:24
This is the real way to turn the other cheek
My childhood bestie’s dad was one of the only bald men in our church. He pulled out this story every time anyone in our youth group mentioned it.
Yeah, Kings is wild.
May your marinara be forever spicy.
Where have you heard them a million times? I guess you grew up in a far less secular country.
The US. I grew up in the central and southern US and the shit is (or perhaps was) inescapable.
“Jesus… when you say ‘get me off this fucking cross, so help me God’… is that a test? Or should we actually get you off the cross?”
( More ranting and screaming and moaning )
The disciples nod wisely at their leader’s self-sacrifice for… their sins maybe? And he will always be immortal in their hearts, because they’ve already eaten him or something.
The disciples go home, wiser and holier and warily eyeing each other in confirmation of the deeper meaning behind their saviour’s last words: “Guys, please, I’m not fucking around, get me down, please, I’m so fucking thirsty… Jesus fucking christ”
I think I can explain. In Buddhism, you have to understand if he didn’t the last into the pizza, but from where I stand it simply is. I hope that helps.
What
The fool asks ‘What?’
The wise man interjects ‘What’
The enlightened silently nods and thinks ‘WTAF’
If you have to ask, then you don’t know
Induction technique
I suddenly feel enlightened.
Beautiful words.
I certainly recognize most of them.
The Buddhist Monk walks up to the hot dog vendor and says: “make me one with everything.”
The monk pays with a twenty, which the vendor pockets.
“Where’s my change?”
“Change comes from within.”
are they just trying to fuck with white people?
Not just white people, but people in general.
That’s Hinduism, not Buddhism.
TIL the Kama Sutra is just an average Netflix show released 140 years too early.
What kinds of Netflix shows are you watching?
Buddhism is a refinement of hinduism. Kamasutra is just one part of hinduism. There are philosophies like Advaita which are more complex than entire western theosophies.
Also, Zeus
Isn’t Buddhism at least partially about a lack of desire? Buddha is enlightened, meaning he has no desires, therefore if you asked him what he wanted on his pizza, he’d be like “Eh, whatever’s fine”
I think it’s more about attachment. We suffer because we get attached to feelings, desire, etc. When we should realize, those, along with most things, are ephemeral, or “not real”. I don’t think it is that Buddhist can’t have desire or are indifferent, but that they strive for lack of attachment. That’s probably a gross oversimplification and, like most religions, there are many different sects.
There’s a difference between wanting something and preferring something. If I want something and can’t have it, I’ll suffer. If I prefer something and can’t have it, that’s fine, I’ll get something else.
Yet another “fuck me” for desiring housing, healthcare, and food.
Lack of desire is a metaphysical control of your realm, essentially by not wanting, you cannot truly be hurt.
The physical path is about actualizing your body through routine use. Meditation for example usually had physical exercise as that allows your breathing to take a dominant part in your brain, regardless of thoughts.
One of the coolest ways of mastering the metaphysical realm is through imagination, as some buddhist sects just imagine a holy land.
Anyways, he’d probably dislike a meat supreme.
Never thought that depression meant that I was enlightened.
Teach me your ways.
Theres a meditative practice Dr Kanojia (healthygamergg, Harvard-trained psychiatrist with hindu roots) told in one of his video talks:
Always choose your second favorite dish on the menu.
He says your enjoyment will be the exact same, or even better since you become more conscious and dont waste the experience so to speak, like you’d do with the usual ‘ol faithul’ option. Also resonates with me because you learn how to notice your desires. In modern age there’s these lustful/ignorant choices everywhere and more than ever before
Eh, I usually go with whatever is cheapest.
I am enlightened.
Zen koans are basically ancient memes.
Ryokan, a Zen master, lived the simplest kind of life in a little hut at the foot of a mountain. One evening a thief visited the hut only to discover there was nothing to steal.
Ryokan returned and caught him. “You have come a long way to visit me,” he told the prowler, “and you should not return empty-handed. Please take my clothes as a gift.”
The thief was bewildered. He took the clothes and slunk away.
Ryoken sat naked, watching the moon. “Poor fellow,” he mused, “I wish I could have given him this beautiful moon.”
idk this one at least makes sense logically as in: the conscious lifestlye helps the monk see the beauty of life while the thief is chasing material clothes that ultimately in life dont matter like that.
Most koans though usually are designed as short riddles to be not logical at all/paradoxical and make you move beyond rational thought to experience intuitive/real understanding of reality. The worst one to me is the one hand clap koan, like what does it mean - aaah!
goes like: “Two hands clap and there is a sound; what is the sound of one hand?”
Reminds me of the famous koan:
Before enlightenment; chop wood and carry water After enlightenment; chop wood and carry water
Be mindful in your daily activities.
Ok that’s pretty based I’m converting to Buddhism
Heresy! May your pasta forever be boiled in unsalted water.
See the other comment for a variation of the story.
I just wish I could live naked in a little hut at the foot of a mountain.
In another telling of the story he arrives to find his meager shack ransacked by the thief and writes a koan with a broken piece of charcoal on a torn piece of parchment:
He left it right there In the window The moon
That’s translated and also my memory from a book I read 20 years ago. Do not take this as historically or literarily accurate.
Someone owns the mountain and now you owe them first and last months rent, a security deposit, and proof of 7 years of rental history.
Feeling enlightened yet?
I certainly feel the need to sell my clothes and moon them
