I was having breakfast at a restaurant, and seated at the table nearest to me were two older ladies, one of whom was loud enough that I could hear what she was saying.
She was saying “females” need to do more to reach out and grab opportunity like they used to (I assume she was referring to second-wave style women’s lib, breaking into the workplace, etc.? very confusing tbh). This was after some comments about female athletes that I caught the end of, she was saying how crazy the world is now and I think she was saying now that trans women are being included in women spaces.
I’m sitting to her left, and more than anything else I just wanted to ask her if she thought I was a woman. Instead I sat and listened to her talk at her friend about how much a victim Zelenskyy is because he didn’t get enough support from Biden (!?), and that the U.S. military has fallen behind other countries and we’re losing arms races (!!??), how she prays to God about it all, etc.
I think there’s something wrong with me if my reaction to publicly aired transphobic comments is the desire for validation from the transphobe.
First of all, she’s clueless and didn’t clock me so I should have some sense of whether she perceives me as a woman, and second of all, her opinion is worthless precisely because she didn’t clock me.
I tell myself what I want to know is what I’m doing wrong, so I can finesse my passing or at least be aware of my limitations & weaknesses and mitigate them. I’ve realized most cis people (and maybe especially older, conservative, or transphobic people) notice minor gender differences less and are more likely to overlook those differences.
But maybe this is less rational and more psychological, maybe it’s just more satisfying to pass in front of a transphobe, maybe it’s more emotionally validating if the person who thinks the world is crazy for letting men into women’s restrooms sees that “man” is a woman.
Sorry, this story feels self-absorbed. I think this is like a confessional or something.
Some possible discussion topics:
- tips or observations on how to overcome these insecurities?
- any stories of interactions with transphobes of your own you want to share?
- thoughts on Biden’s absolutely tragic failure as a president to provide sufficient aid to Zelenskyy in his moment of need?
EDIT: oh, and I remember her talking confidently about how the pilot who crashed the helicopter was a DEI hire
But maybe this is less rational and more psychological, maybe it’s just more satisfying to pass in front of a transphobe, maybe it’s more emotionally validating if the person who thinks the world is crazy for letting men into women’s restrooms sees that “man” is a woman.
Whatever you’re looking for here, you won’t get it. If a transphobe doesn’t read you as trans, you don’t get a reaction from them. If they do identity you as trans later on, or if you out yourself to them, they won’t question their beliefs, they won’t second guess themselves, they won’t give you more legitimacy. They don’t care about your appearance. They care that you’re trans, and all of the bigoted stuff that they attach to that. The only difference that cis passing makes with transphobes is that it gives you a break from the directly targeted hate they bring.
The only way to buy legitimacy in the eyes of transphobes is to turn the transphobia on yourself and your community. And even that’s not legitimacy, it doesn’t get you off their hate list, just lower down on it.
In my experience, being around folks who talk transphobia who don’t realise I’m trans just leaves me feeling dirty.
You can change minds, but not of people deep down the rabbit hole. And the folk who aren’t so far down get changed by your humanity, and by the realisation that they are hurting people who don’t deserve it. And you can only achieve that if they know that you’re trans, and care that their words hurt.
Passing culture is awful. The desire to avoid targeted transphobia makes sense, but the sense of extra validity, of extra legitimacy we are taught to attach to being able to pass as cis is poison. It doesn’t lead to anything positive. It takes time to reframe how you see chasing cis passing, and to undo the baggage that we as a community attach to it. It’s ok to feel relief at not being harassed, and it’s ok to deal with dysphoria if that’s what you need to do. However, the idea that the opinions of transphobes (or anyone else) on your appearance is connected to your validity is something you can only benefit from by challenging.
spot on as usual 😄
I can’t help but wonder sometimes if some of the obsession with passing overlaps somewhat with the intense pressure women feel to conform to femininity, I sometimes wonder if I would struggle with some of the same feelings even if I were cis (and my cis sister does have some of the same insecurities that I have).
Maybe the bigger problem, as you and others are pointing out, has to do with rooting my sense of identity and validity in other people … I struggle with having a strong sense of who I am, so that makes sense - but I need to figure out how to work on that 😅
Thank you for your wisdom and kindness 💕
There will always be people who hate us for just existing. The key for not wanting validation from them is to reduce your need for external validation.
It says more about you that you still gave her the benefit of the doubt after she was wrong on almost every topic she approached. Why would her views on the lives of others be logical or cohesive? Thank you for being here and balancing out her stupid with your insight. Together we will make it.
Everyone here has said the right things already so I’ll say: I’m sorry you had to sit next to someone like that :(
oh, thanks - I think this is not unexpected for where I live 😅
Still, it did make me feel a bit antsy to leave … I appreciate your kindness ❤️
