Hey everybody, sorry, I couldn’t think of a more fitting title. I feel the need to share my mental progress. After a long time of thinking “maybe I am - just eventually - transgender”, I decided to go down the rabbit hole a few days ago. It was a very suppressed thought and it took me quite some strength to overcome it. I peeked in the mtf community and discovered the gender dysphoria Bible. And I ingested it. Every bit felt like it’s describing me directly. And that’s filling me with very mixed feelings. Obviously one is fear. I am 30 years old. Am married and have three kids. I’m worried about my own future, as well as the future of my closest. But there is also a feeling of euphoria in the background. Some weird feeling that’s telling me it’s right and everything is going to be good. That feeling is guiding me in unknown directions. When I was buying groceries today, I felt a surprising confidence in my thoughts. But that also got me to a situation I did not expect. When I first saw my own reflection, I didn’t see myself. Previously, my only thoughts about my reflection were not that bad, I was mainly dissatisfied by my looks. This was different. And that brought me to the decision to for now change my online representation. For now, just in this small area of my life, I am a woman. And that feels pretty right.
Fear is common, change is scary, and you are not alone. In my experience, the first few weeks after realizing that you’re trans feel the most scary. I had the same fears about ‘what is my family going to think?’ I’m a young’un so, I don’t have a spouse and children like you do, but I know that coming out to family is scary, and that it might be hard at first, but if they love you they will likely come around eventually, some people just need time to process. Although I have no experience with coming out to a partner, I do wish you the best of luck and I hope it works out well for you!
Good for you!
40 y.o. ex-egg here, married with a daughter. A little over half a year into transition and things are workIng out ok so far.
So, somewhat relevant anecdote: I cracked my egg at age 27-28ish with 2 kids. I had a lot of the same anxieties you’re describing here, which led me to try to repress for around 5 years before ultimately starting to transition at age 33 after my 3rd kid was born. It took almost ending myself twice to finally convince me that I really just had to do it. Because, even in the worst case, a trans mom is better than a dead dad for my kids every time. I’m now a year and a half into my transition and the only regret I have now is not starting sooner.
It’s natural to be afraid of change, but I can tell you from someone in her 40’s, it’s never too late. Your family will love you for who you are, and your identity is something that YOU know. Life gets better when you can be yourself. Don’t do what I did and wait a decade to do something about it. There are people everywhere just like us and we help each other. There are professionals who can help you, and this path has been blazed by many before us. Stay on it, find yourself, and life gets so much better from there. Congratulations, sister!
I really hope that it all will work out. Thank you for your kind words!
Love that you are able to have the small win of existing as a woman here, congrats! I am in a similar demographic to you, but with fewer children.
I came out to my wife in February last year, and it was one of the scariest things I’ve ever done. We are still together, love each other more than the day we were married, and I am seeing a doctor on Tuesday about starting HRT. Obviously I don’t know how things would go with your spouse, but I hope they would at least be sympathetic to what you’re dealing with and be open to talking more with you.
It’s okay to take things slow, you don’t need to rush anything. I wish I had started transitioning 10+ years ago, but I am so thankful for the family and life I have that allows me to do so today.
Keep asking questions, keep being open to learning new things about yourself, and don’t settle for a new box for people to put you in if it isn’t quite right for you.
It’s really relieving to read of someone who made this step after starting a family. I really love them all and I hope they will still love me as a woman. Frankly, I have three daughters. This is now a very female household!
Welcome to the club sister!
And personally, I just think of euphoria as joy. Which you have every right to as a living being. It’s like oxygen. We all need it to be happy and healthy.
