I don’t know where else to post this. Definitely not casual conversation. Off my chest seems more like a place for when you’ve got something to say to everyone else. And I’m not really necessarily looking for advice. Pretty personal and about mental health and shit though. So if there’s somewhere better, let me know. I just need to dump this shit somewhere.
Just went without weed for around two weeks. One of the longest stretches I’ve gone without for most of my adult life so far. And this particular time, it has especially made me realise and come to terms with the fact that whenever I’ve called it “medicine”, I’ve only been half joking.
Because I unravel more and more, then facepalm when I’ve finally had my medicine and start thinking about how I’ve been feeling and acting out. When I’ve gone without for just a couple of days in the past, I’ve called it an addiction but this time the insomnia and lack of appetite ended in a couple of days but my everything else got worse and worse.
I become completely dysfunctional in the real world, and a feeling that I think I’ve realised is a constant anxiety. Or bottled rage sometimes. And an inability to even sit for long enough to watch something or play a game. That’s when I start learning into the endless scroll of the virtual world hard.
And there I start looking for outlets for all of my rage. Not picking my battles but standing on my hill(s) and calling all challengers. I fight for things that I believe in and not just aimlessly but at the same time, I feel aware that I’m also doing it selfishly, so that I’ve got something to do with all of the continuous anxiety and unease and general feeling like shit.
And now I’m here. I’ve had my medicine and now I feel like I’ve been unhinged (more than usual), howling under a full moon that lasted two weeks. And now I facepalm about it, not for what I’ve said but for how and why and when. Maybe even who.
I don’t have the means to get diagnosed with anything at this present point, but I’m fairly convinced now that one reason it’s taken me so long to realise that not everything is ok; is because my continuous weed use has not only been alleviating things for me on a chemical level, it also makes it easier for me to pretend that all systems are running normally or that my specs are the same as everyone I have to meet and talk to. That I don’t actually feel like a stranger all the time, even if I’ve known you for years.
So this might be worth considering: https://youtu.be/qBRaI0ZeAf8
Out of curiosity, if you’re comfortable sharing, why did you try to cut weed off? Are there negative side effects you’re noticing?
Getting diagnosed is definitely useful. I’m assuming you don’t have a workplace that has an EAP that provides counseling and such.
why did you try to cut weed off?
It’s just getting harder and harder to come by the money, simply. And explaining my current situation as far as work and income goes requires another small essay.
workplace that has an EAP that provides counseling and such
No, this is South Africa, that sounds too first world to me. At least in my experience, which is all over the place. I’ve worked in offices doing mind numbing data capturing and I’ve worked in a private game reserve building dams and hiking trails and shit. And I can’t say I’ve ever come across any sort of system like that in my life so far. The system I’ve lived in is working hard for the bare legal minimum and being easily replaceable because the majority of the country is desperate and willing to work hard for the bare legal minimum. Also partly my own fault though because I was a dumbass that dropped out of university to become a rockstar. So I’m one of the expendable proletariat now.
Are there negative side effects you’re noticing?
Well besides my own personal mind storm, I think the only negative effects from quitting that seem fairly universal to me from what everything I’ve experienced, read and heard from people; is the loss of appetite and difficulty with sleep for a few days.
It also affects dreaming, or maybe your ability to remember that you’ve dreamed. Although this one seems to be a 1 in every 2 people thing. A lot of people say that they stop dreaming (or don’t remember) when they smoke weed regularly, then get crazy intense dreams for a while when stopping. For me, this is a negative effect of actually smoking it. And having continuous crazy intense dreams when you stop isn’t necessarily positive either but it returns to normal after a week or two. I do miss dreaming though. I think that if I could get the right kind of medicine and be able to both function and dream, the idea of going back to just smoking a bit of weed on a weekend here and there would sound a lot more attractive to me.
I had no idea South Africa was like that. So none of this would be a problem if the economy was doing better.
That’s a very hard situation.
On the plus side, I heard weed is easy to grow.
Haven’t been in the right place to grow but I’ll probably get a chance to try my hand at growing my own later this year, actually. I’ve got old friends in the growing and selling game, so I’ve been involved in the process before.
