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currently in a hotel, hours away from my scheduled orchiectomy
mostly feeling a mix of anxiety that I have deluded myself into this, that I’m about to commit to a mistake, and joy at the thought of not having testes anymore - all the ways I will finally be able to sit and walk and not feel discomfort, the freedom from that nauseating and disgusting feeling when they slap against my thigh, and of course a guarantee that the spectre of testosterone will never haunt my body again
Woah, cool! Good luck with the surgery.
thank you so much - seems to have gone well!
Congratulations <3
thank you!! 🥰
I was unexpectedly emotional afterwards, I think having testes to be removed and being a trans patient to medical staff really made me feel like I’ll never, ever be a woman. 😞
That said, the absence I feel where the testes used to be is surprisingly euphoric. Before the operation I wasn’t sure how I felt about the whole idea of “absence” there or whether that would be affirming or euphoric for me, but I knew it would be much more practical for outfits and tucking, etc. I can’t stop feeling happy every time I feel that absence.
Thanks for sharing! Don’t know yet whether I’ll go for orchi first or straight to SRS, but it’s good to hear about your experience. Hope the recovery is smooth.
I think straight to SRS is the more common path (at least with people I know IRL), and that makes sense for lots of reasons.
Orchi before SRS made sense for me for a few reasons:
- my SRS surgeon could do the orchi for me, it was convenient and lined up easily (as opposed to being a completely separate surgeon that I would have to coordinate with my SRS surgeon)
- I had never found a fully perfect way to adequately suppress my testosterone without getting a bit moody from too much estrogen on monotherapy and anti-androgens didn’t work well for me (bicalutamide never seemed to help my biochemical dysphoria, maybe because it doesn’t act much on the central nervous system, like the brain), it was hard to balance my hormones and I seemed to be so sensitive to the testosterone that even a small amount led to things like having days of depressive symptoms, making my life a bit unpredictable and my mood unreliable - so an orchi would essentially guarantee mood stability and better executive functioning, which I reasoned would help me plan and make SRS happen successfully (as well as everything else in my life)
- I felt 100% certain I wanted an orchi when I socially transitioned, there was no (legitimate / actual) doubt in my mind that it was right for me, and I’ve dreamed even of being a eunuch since I was a teenager before I realized I might be trans; when I first socially transitioned I thought I might not even get SRS at all, it was really unclear to me at the time (though now I feel certain I want / need a vaginoplasty).
- because of the U.S. elections and because I live in one of the most transphobic states in the U.S., it’s unclear what will happen after January, but getting my orchi in before the change in power in the U.S. meant it would be much harder to force me to detransition - not having testes gives me a sense of security in an unstable political climate
- orchi is out-patient, relatively easy, low complication, requires no hair removal, and so much cheaper than SRS so it is much easier to achieve with life-long guarantee of female levels of testosterone, improved estrogenization, and no need to take anti-androgens
Some of these are fairly personal reasons, so I don’t think it’s an obvious choice or anything. I also found talking through orchi vs SRS with my therapist fairly effective, she hit me with a question that clarified things for me: “How would I feel living the rest of my life with male genitals?” I realized that would be horrible for me, I want to be a woman in every way, and male genitals definitely make me feel like an imposter. Of course genitals don’t make the gender or anything, but I realized I felt a certain way and that in conjunction with lots of other evidence, SRS increasingly made sense for me.
Sounds like you made the right choice there 👍 I definitely understand all the reasons to want them gone.
Finally got around to getting a blood test today, so we’ll see if my levels are actually OK or it’s all in my head :3
Oooh, i bet just not feeling them there feels wonderful. Cant say I’ve experienced them slapping before (thunderous thighs and calves, they don’t move far) but the constant presence is… frustrating and uncomfortable
It’s not that common that they slapped, usually only certain movements would cause that; estrogen also helped bring them closer to the body and that was less common then.
The absence of them has felt much, much better than I would have ever expected. Just sitting and feeling my thighs touch more creates waves of euphoria.
Happy pretend to be cis-mas
I hate family Christmas, but I’ve only gotta show up for a short bit and the I’m heading back home for a community dinner I’m helping to put on. It’ll be amazing to spend Christmas evening among the people I truely feel like I belong with
Accidentally made it like, 2.5 weeks without shaving my body, shaved yesterday, and looking back my mood was gradually worsening each day. Not gonna let it get that bad again.
Switched to a Pixel with grapheneOS, enjoying it so far.
I feel you on this so much. Shaving AND grapheneOS haha
Good! Loving the effects of HRT. It’s definitely “magic is real” levels of mind-blowing. Although more than that is how not bad I feel since allowing myself to … be myself. No more “what if I was a girl”, no more “I wish I could fill out this sweater”, no more “I’m wasting my life”, no more meat-puppet, no more waiting to die.
I’m trans, and it’s awesome. (Can my beard just go away now kthx)
Oh, and I finally reached the summit in Celeste. Take that, self-doubt.
So happy for you! 😁
Side note, I bought Celeste last Steam sale but haven’t played. Need to get on that.
🥰
It’s been a decent week. Things have been calm. I like that the weather is finally cold now.
Pretty good, really glad to have a break from work. Dysphoria has been very strong though.
I started on a new antidepressant in addition to the other one and the initial side effects have been making everything much worse. I’m 4 for 7 on eating this week and my world has largely shrunk from my apartment to my couch. No point to doing anything, I just hide under my weighted blanket and pretend I’ve already died
