::: Cw suicide
I’ve known since I was 14 I was trans, ended up just having to suffer till I was 20, finally started estrogen, but ever since than it’s just be disgust and disappointment, I realize my body is just gross and repulsive regardless, like my genetics are just cursed. On top of that I have to same usual dead end job, I’m consider the goofy, unattractive person in every single group. I hate it. Outside of people who feel bad for me everyone avoids me cause I’m socially awkward. On top of not even being able to afford my bills I’ve never had an actual relationship. I’m an ugly degenerate loser by every single metric. I think at 23 my best bet is to pull out my credit card, do some research into a common pistol and its uses, walk into an academy, an tell them which gun I want and for common use etc, than go that parking lot I picked outside of town and pull the trigger. I picked it specifically cause it’s empty, no one but first responders will find me. I just feel so horrible but I’ve been in pain so long I honestly feel :::
I’m a right to death advocate, even for this kind of situation. We should all have the right to decide the time and means of our death.
That being said, you’re still early in the HRT process. You’re essentially maybe a third of the way through puberty, depending on exactly what you call the end of puberty. And, of equal relevance, you may be experiencing a need for your treatment to be adjusted. Dosing needs can change through the process, leading to increased dysphoria and dysmorphia.
So, check with your providers to see if that’s at play here, assuming that you want to continue on but don’t see the eventual benefits coming soon enough. This could be a side effect, the self perception and ideation. Seems like it would be worth at least talking to whoever is monitoring the medical side of your transition.
Also, while I sure as fuck won’t give any guidance on what to do or how to do it, your plan isn’t a good one. Way too likely to end up making things worse for you. You have no familiarity with firearms, or you wouldn’t be considering the method you present here.
I’ve known since I was 14 I was trans, ended up just having to suffer till I was 20,
Lots of folks go nearly their entire lives without figuring it out. Some even go to their graves still not figuring it out after a lifetime of misdirected malice.
You knew at 14. You made changes by age 20. By this metric alone you are already far ahead of many that have gone before you.
I realize my body is just gross and repulsive regardless, like my genetics are just cursed.
This is most of us. When I say “us” I mean humanity. An infinitesimally small number of us are physically perfect. These are the ones that end up on magazine covers and in big budget Hollywood movies, and many of those suffer devastating mental struggles we don’t see on the outside. Even most of the “beautiful people” have people have physical flaws. They have developed skills to accentuate their better attributes or cover up their less socially acceptable ones. These are NOT our archetypes to measure ourselves against. These are this era’s definition of physical beauty, thats all. Look at history for previous eras and see what used to define the pinnacle of beauty. Most would seem plain or even undesirable by today’s standards. So why is today’s era definition any more logic driven? Its not. Don’t compare yourself to it.
I think at 23 … and pull the trigger.
No. At 23 you’re not yet the “you” you will be in life. Our 20s, in western society, is when we learn about who our adult selves are. You’re not even at the halfway mark yet. Don’t let the 23 year old version of you decide to deny the existence of your 29 year old version, or you 80 year old version.
I just feel so horrible but I’ve been in pain so long I honestly feel
You know all of those stories and movies that let the protagonist return to their teens or 20s to repeat things or do them differently? The fantasy is having your mature adult brain in a youthful strong body. Its never to return to the angsty mental period of our teen years or the difficult struggles for identity of our 20s. In your teens and early 20s everything is emotionally extreme. There are the meteoric highs of happiness, and the devastating troughs of sadness and despair, and very little in-between. Getting older into your late 20s or 30s changes that. The sharp emotional edges are softened a bit, the extremes at either end are kept in check, and there’s SO MUCH MORE MIDDLE AREA and its so much better to live with! Yes there are still things that suck, and life will have some really hard times ahead of you, but you’ll be able to handle them easier. You’ll also have ahead of you much longer periods of happiness that can stretch years or decades. Not like the feeling of “winning the lottery” happy, that is always fleeting, and rarely realistic. Instead you get “comfort”. Like holding a hot mug of a beverage on a chilly day, and you get that warm contentment for years at a time!
Asking the questions of yourself is fine. Its good even! Seek the wisdom of those that have gone before you, and asked some of your same questions. Be open to answers you hadn’t considered before. For your situation specifically, find groups of others that have transitioned already. Don’t let others define an unrealistic measure for you and then call you a failure for not meeting it. Don’t do that to yourself either. Don’t deny your future self the life you have ahead. Find someone you trust to talk to about your feelings. I promise you, life is worth living.
Idk, 20 year old me wouldn’t have minded not seeing the 23 year old version of myself. I feel like things will just get sadder and worse
At 23 I was miserable but managed to survive. Early 30s I had a job that teenage me would have begged for and thought unattainable.
I’m in my mid 40s now. Starting life over from scratch (don’t own any furniture, dishes, don’t have any friends). I’m depressed as hell nearly everyday and working a dead end job.
But my life of experiences has shown me that shit changes without warning. And plenty of other people didn’t ‘make it’ till they were my age. So I’m still here, hoping that something will finally work out in my favor.
Life is a rollercoaster, don’t assume the bottom of the drop is the whole ride.
I didn’t say it gets progressively better as you go through your 20s. The 20s is about trying things a an adult, making mistakes, sometimes suffering the consequences of those mistakes, but most importantly learning from them. Make no mistake that there are parts of your 20s that suck. As an example, its not unusual to have brushes with the legal system in your 20s. Those are very sobering.
I feel like things will just get sadder and worse
I think that can be a natural reaction you feel that way. Your sample size is too small. Imagine watching a movie only 20% through then leaving the theater each time at the 20% mark. Movies would be very unsatisfying and so many of the plot points introduced would make no sense or have no relevance. You’d have some of the world building in the story, but not enjoy seeing how your understanding of that movie’s world play’s to the protagonists advantage. If you described your behavior to friends about leaving 20% into every movie, then being unsatisfied with the movie, they’d look at you like you’re crazy.
Don’t leave 20% through life. It gets exciting in the second act, and the big payoff is in the third act. Please hang around with us and see how it comes out.
you’re probably just not your own type. that or you have to unlearn some toxic beauty standards in therapy.
Don’t kill yourself with a gun, there are better methods.
Also you must be cooler than you think, with you being on lemmy and all.
Also also, depression is real and makes people (you) kill themselves. Try out the drugs before hurting yourself, they work and you will feel better. Don’t be so arrogant to think you’re the only ugly fucker out there :)
Love you anon
Guns just seem easier and higher success rate
Maybe easier to try. But flinch or move at the last moment, and you could wind up a vegetable instead of dead. At which point you won’t be able to try again, and you’ll be stuck living like that.
Wouldn’t the margin of error kinda depend on the size of the bullet, and the speed of medical treatment. Like if I delayed thing a half hour, wouldn’t I just die a painful death rather than instant one. And if the bullet was large enough wouldn’t it do enough damage to kill me regardless
Not really. There are a lot of variables, and it’s not as cut and dry as many people think.
Bullet ballistics are complicated. A bullet’s size, weight, speed, shape, and composition are all factors, as are barrel length, rifling twist ratio, gas pressure, and probably a bunch of other stuff I’m forgetting.
And then, shot placement is another huge factor in lethality. A small bullet in the “right” place can kill, a big bullet in the “wrong” place can leave you alive.
Then you add to that the funny dichotomy of the human body being both really fragile and extremely resilient at the same time, and you get people surviving all sorts of things that for all intents and purposes should have killed them.
Look… I can’t say that I know what you’re going through, because there’s no way that I really can - your experiences are your own.
But I can tell you this - I know about the darkness and hopelessness. I’ve been led to it by my own experiences, and have been consumed by it to the point I thought suicide was the only means of escape.
But I was wrong. There were other ways out, and I did escape. And you can, too. If you want to.
The first couple of years of HRT are the most difficult. Check out the average timeline - big changes start to hit for most people around year 5. Once you’re 10 years in, no one will believe you’re trans and you’ll likely “forget you’re trans” most days.
I was in your shoes once upon a time, and I’m glad I stuck it out.
I’d be glad to be a resource if you want any practical advice on getting to where you want to be in your transition. That’s what this journey is all about, after all- making our outside match who we are inside.
I’ve been suicidal before due to chronic pain and other hard health problems. I held on… somehow… and I did manage to finally make some progress. It will likely always be a struggle, but it did get better. The idea that such a change would ever happen felt ridiculous about 3 years ago.
Life is difficult enough when you don’t have health issues to manage. Our lives are more complicated than that, but wouldn’t overcoming that high difficulty level give you a real sense of pride in your own strength? I have that now. You just have to know and to believe that improvement is possible in order for it to come.
That won’t happen if you take the easy way out. If you haven’t tried each and every option available to you, then you still have hope.
You haven’t told us what all you have tried yet.
It might be worth it to try some volunteer work and see if you can get some joy out of helping people. Up to you what you do with your life, but if there is some kind of afterlife, it wouldn’t hurt to score a few points.
I pretty much work 6 days a week, with an 8 hour shift most days. I’m honestly too exhausted to do much of anything anymore
Do you have any dreams for the future? Like, if you got out of where you are currently, what would you want to do?
Please, don’t do it. Can I do anything to change your mind?
