Dear friends, please be kind with me and help after reading full post for context. I really thought this one would be different. We met several months ago, started off as friends, and he’s been giving me mixed signals from the start, partially due to intense career related demands. He’s under a lot of stress at this turning point in his career - as am I, though not to the same extent. However, this confusing push and pull has been hurting me - more than it’s bothering him, if I may add.
Example of mixed signals: Months before we got swamped with work, he asked me point blank if I’m single and I said yes. A few weeks later, we left an event together late at night and he hugged me for the 1st time, invited me over for water which I politely declined, and asked me to text him when I got home which I did. Then, nothing happened for some time and I initiated a group get-together, to which he agreed but called me “mom” as I’m the only female in this group with his bros. This is a point of insecurity as he alluded to me being quite older - even though I’m only two years older. I did appreciate that he admitted to not having an official relationship before. He also calls me “bro” or “dude”, claiming it slips out. A few weeks later, we had a call since I needed to confide in him about a peer; he was understanding/supportive.
Then work severely ramped up, and I waited weeks, not reaching out and trying to give us both space. We bumped into each other, then I hinted that we were going separate directions if heading home, to which he said he’s going for a run. I said that sounds fun, and we brainstormed other date-like ideas of what to do (mostly me being excited about it). I realized this clearly wasn’t him asking me on a date, as he invited his friend to join last minute for the run…He did mention that the earliest he will start dating is after this strenuous work period which goes until mid-December. A week later, I reached out to see if he was attending an event; he declined but his friends showed up. That’s when I thought I should get over him as it was going nowhere and hurting me. We didn’t talk/see each other for over a month, and I was nearly over it. He is so rarely the one to rekindle the flame, and I find that I’m investing in him repeatedly, double-texting, etc, although he does show up here and there. Then we bumped into each other at an event where he split a cookie with me, asking me what my weekend plans were. I had a swamped schedule so I said maybe the 1-week break that we had coming up right after that weekend instead. I was hoping he would follow up, he didn’t, and I was exhausted of continuously bearing the weight so I took some alone time. Weeks later, I bumped into him again and gave him a sweet, intimate hug to try to spell it out to him that I haven’t given up. He hugged me back and seemed receptive.
I finally decided to plan a get-together for this same group (him and his friends). Over the months, I already chatted with his friend, hinting at my feelings, but not asking him to talk about this with my crush directly. His friend seems supportive and said that we would be a cute couple. His other friend also told me directly that he thinks we would be cute together. They all showed up but I was thrown off when he was cracking inappropriate sexual jokes and acting like I was a bro…It was so weird and not what I expected at all. I get that they were deprived of social events and maybe felt comfortable thinking up sexual innuendos, but it was relentless. We also saw each other at events the next 2 consecutive days, both of which I asked if he was attending. There were other people there too so he was much more mature and composed. He and his friend picked a guy to match me with, I said he’s not my type, to which my crush asked “who is your type?” but I didn’t get a chance to respond because his friend interrupted. Right after that, he called me bro again, and I asked him straight up “Do you see me as a bro?” He clammed up and seemed like he wanted to say something more, but just said “What?” with a smile after a silence, and I said “What?” back. At one point, we were almost cuddling and his voice got cute/soft; he initiated a hug late that night. Still unsure of his feelings, I decided to put myself out there and figured we waited long enough. I called him 3 days later. He didn’t pick up and texted an hour later: “hey what’s up sorry for missing your call”. I texted back “no worries just wanted to say hi and chat, we can catch up when you’re free”. He ghosted me, not a word or reaction to my text. He then proceeded to say Happy Holidays in our group chat after his friend did (I think he may have told him what happened and sought help). I saw someone post photos of him happy at an event, while I was crying at home wondering what I did to deserve his silent treatment.
I’m not naive when it comes to relationships. I get that he’s inexperienced and somewhat immature, currently emotionally unavailable, probably wanting time to process his own thoughts/feelings, not the person I thought he was, or maybe I’m a hopeless romantic. But I do not understand why it’s so damn difficult for someone who is supposed to be my good friend, with some silver lining for more, to send me a 2-second text saying he’s busy but maybe another time. That text would be better than leaving me in the dark, speculating if he will come to his senses and call/text, or do nothing and let me down. I was so bummed, on the holiday no less.
Is it time to let him go? Is there any hope for a relationship here or am I kidding myself? Which one of the reasons do you think is causing him to ghost me? Should I text him again, explaining how it feels on the receiving side, or just let it be? There’s a really special event in the springtime that I’ve wanted him to be at - should I stay friends with him after giving myself time/space to get over him or focus on inviting others? Thank you!
Sorry but how is it ghosting? You tried more and more to contact him and he didn’t answer? Because if no one contacts the other is just idk end of something not ghosting lol
You wanna talk with him about this stuff? Do it!
And don’t put on him all the “immature” or “receiving side” stuff, you are the one clearly into him but still going around and around never being direct…
You can do it! 🤜🤛
Have you tried asking point blank if he is interested? Or asked at least if he would like to go onto date, specifically saying only you and him? If nothing else, have you asked any of the friends if he is interested? Or told any of them you are interested in him?
My wife and I met online in a game we played many years ago. We met in person and set up a date, but never said it was an actual date. I felt she was out of my league and me being a metal head and her being preppy figured there would be no interest. She felt the exact same way. A mutual friend knew we both liked one another and told us.
After a short time dating, a long time broken up, another short time dating we were married. But it took someone else telling us we liked each other, he may value your friendship and not want to make a move and chance damaging the friendship.
Thank you so much for your advice! Your comment reminded me of a rather key moment that happened:
He and his friend picked a guy to matchmake me with, I said he’s not my type, to which my crush asked “who is your type?” but I didn’t get a chance to respond because his friend interrupted. Right after that, he called me bro again, and I asked him straight up “Do you see me as a bro?” He clammed up and seemed like he wanted to say something more, but just said “What?” while smiling after a silence, and I said “What?” back. At one point, we were almost cuddling and his voice got cute/soft; he also initiated a hug late that night.
I like the idea of asking our mutual friend to help me out and ask him directly if he’s interested in me that way. I’ve already chatted with his friend, hinting at my feelings, but I haven’t asked him to open the dialogue on their side. His friend seems very supportive and said that we would be a cute couple together. For additional context, he also did mention that the earliest he will start dating is after this strenuous work period which goes until mid-December. Given the timeline, do you think this should be as soon as the work wraps up right before the holidays, or wait until next year? Not sure if I can keep waiting in frustration especially wanting to make the most of the time off.
Omg just ask the dude already! You’re totally over analyzing this. Go for it. You can do it!
Or you could do all of that instead of asking your friend. It’s easy, you just say “would you like to go out on a date?”. Done.
Given all of this that I’ve read, I’d be confused as hell too if I were him. You’re only planning group things which tells me you’re more interested in being friends at that point, anymore you’ve never come outright and said anything. You said he’s the shy one, so what’s holding you back?
No friends, no groups, just go over to his house already and ask him. Love does not have to be this complicated, people.
Just because you put a question mark at the end doesn’t mean your post title is a question.
You sound like a gender/sex swapped version of me, 15 years ago.
I was a hopeless romantic as well, would have crushes on girls, do my best to be as respectful and cordial as possible while hanging out, asking out, or going out on dates with them… falling in love with a fantasy idea of them, huge emotional highs from any attention, massive lows from rejection, lack of contact, or them acting wildly unlike my wistful idea of them.
…
Sorry to tell you, but this guy likely just was/is not really that interested in you, or anyone, as a serious relationship partner.
If he was, he would have made time, would not have ghosted you.
…
He said he’s never been in an ‘official relationship’ before, asks you if you are single.
He makes sexual jokes when its just you and a few other people.
He enjoys seeing you in person, reciprocates hugs when you meet… but is always asking what you’re doing that night, that weekend, tries to get you over to his place…
He’s most likely the kind of guy that is not interested in serious relationships, and is really just looking for convenient flings.
Doesn’t make him evil. Doesn’t make him a saint.
Unless theres more to this story where you’ve already told him directly how much he means to you, how you really feel, where you directly said ‘Hey do you want to go on a date / be my boyfriend’…
… he probably has no idea that you are basically in unrequited love with him.
He probably doesn’t hate you, he probably just likes you as a friend and finds you attractive, a potentially bangable friend.
…
As for what to do next?
Well, first come to terms with the idea that he enjoys your company as a friend, and potential friend with benefits, but currently is not interested in a serious relationship with you, despite your efforts thus far.
Then, you could accept this, continue to be a more casual friend with him.
Or you could maybe write him an email that explains … hey you know I am actually pretty seriously enamored with you as a potential serious, long term relationship, and I’d like to know if you’d be interested in that.
It could be that it just did not occur to him that that’s what you’d like, and maybe he’d be willing to try!
Or… maybe not, and then hopefully you two can still be friends.
…
A lot of guys (myself included) are pretty dense when it comes to determining ‘hints’ from women.
And I say ‘hints’ because you never described yourself asking him out on a date, asking him to go steady with you, telling him how interested in him you are, doing or saying anything that would specifically indicate you want a serious relationship with him.
You often have to be pretty direct with a lot of guys, with how you feel and what you want, otherwise, they’ll miss them entirely.
Do get a broad array of people’s impressions on the topic, but I read everything you wrote, including the extra information in the one reply to someone else, and I’m not reading anything that suggests that he wants to be in a relationship. Giving hugs is nice but it’s not an expression of interest. Flirting is often just flirting.
I might be wrong- you can always just ask him directly if he’d like to go on a proper date.
I’m reminded of a bit of advice I saw once. If they like you, you’ll know. If they don’t, you’ll feel confused.
This sounds like a confusing situation, which would mean he’s not really into you.
I’d suggest being open and honest. Tell him you’re interested romantically, and/or ask him on a date. Like literally, ask him out on a date – don’t call it a hang-out or a get-together, a date. Use clear language, don’t equivocate.
What do the kids call that again? Define the relationship? DTR? I think that’s what I’m suggesting.
If he keeps sending mixed signals after that, I’d give up on him.
But I know that’s all easier said than done. I used to struggle with this a lot, and some friendships definitely got ruined. But I think a lot of that was due to me not processing rejection in healthy ways.
