I’m AMAB and since July, I’ve felt what I now realize is mild dysphoria. Around 2 weeks ago I read more about gender dysphoria from genderdysphoria.fyi and realized I am almost certainly trans. Ever since I realized this, my dysphoria (along with anxiety about said dysphoria) has gotten a lot worse to the point where I’m only getting ~3-5 hours of sleep for multiple days in a row until I get exhausted enough to pass out immediately when I get in bed. I was originally going to wait until I graduate this year but I’ve been pretty miserable and I want to come out sooner because I think that would at least help with the anxiety aspects, even if I wait to start actually transitioning. That being said, I’m worried about a few things:
My last semester in undergrad for CS is coming up and I have 4 male roommates in an apartment, and I’m scared of making things awkward for the last months we’ll be living together since we’re all pretty close friends.
I’m lucky enough to be in a blue state (both at college and at home) and my parents and siblings are all mostly progressive politically, but I don’t think my parents have ever actually met a trans person. I’m worried that they won’t accept me because they think that all trans people knew they were trans as children, and I’ve had mostly “male” hobbies for my whole life. It’s more of less the same story with my grandparents who I’m also very close with, one of whom is in pretty bad health right now. I’m worried that coming out and/or transitioning would be enough of a shock to make that worse.
I guess my questions are, how did you come out, and how can I approach this with my family? Did you start transitioning immediately after coming out to friends/family? Before? Am I way overthinking everything? Any other advice for someone who’s new to all of this?
If my run-on sentences are unintelligible lmk and I’ll fix them, I’m very sleep deprived rn but I needed to get this off my chest before I actually implode
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My family knew I had pretty bad mental health issues for the past 7 years, so when I came out I told them I had figured out why and what my plans were now that I knew. My parents were initially ignorant allies (my mom’s first question was about surgery :/ ).
I also told them I had been thinking about it for about a year at that point and answered questions to show I knew what I was doing. Since then my happiness has spoken for itself thanks to estrogen. I guess I had really bad biochemical dysphoria, because I felt like a different person within 2 days.
So I was like you, though I came out probably a bit younger (20) and back in 2015 when everyone and their mother learned we exist. I had always been masculine (afraid to be feminine) I didn’t always know (that someone like me could be trans) and I could go on. I did luck out that my mom was a vocal trans ally already because a local trans teenager’s suicide note called her to action, and she had no idea that her big bearded son was actually her daughter.
I came out before starting hormones but I already had my first appointment with a therapist (informed consent was just taking off at the time and I could only find endocrinologists who needed letters of recommendation, and I feel ancient having to explain all this, like jeez this was so different of a time I was actually showing courage by telling that therapist I was transitioning to gay). And the main reason I came out first was because I was moving back in with my parents after realizing that living on campus might take away from my bottom surgery funds in the future.
It wasn’t a great time to come out by “family health standards”, I spent my early transition stuck between classes and taking my mom to oncology appointments. The people who were accepting were accepting, the ones who weren’t weren’t. Some of the ones I expected to be accepting weren’t and vice versa. And my grandma took like 7 years to gender me correctly consistently and maybe eventually she’ll stop calling my wife my “friend”.
But anyways, I only regret not coming out sooner. Partly because I came out over the month on either side of Caitlyn Jenner and yeah that took some explaining. Mostly though because everything that was going to happen was going to happen. Your roommates may be a different story, but otherwise once you’ve made up your mind to live authentically only delay with purpose. Most of early transition is waiting anyways, may as well hurry up so you can start waiting.
Also for a different perspective my wife was on hormones when she came out to her family because she was an adult and independent and she expected pushback. It was easier for them to accept she’d done it already than for them to fight over her doing it.
I started transitioning a little over 3 years ago (I think? I might be 4 at this point), but only came out to my family a year ago (on Christmas to be exact). Gender dysphoria is like a weight, and for me, like you, it became all the more suffocating once I realised it was there. I had also been an ✨ally✨ to the community long enough that I knew how large and difficult of a life change transitioning would be, and I was worried I wouldn’t even have the courage to transition or come out. That is to say, I get how you’re feeling right now. I want to affirm that, no matter how far you go in your transition, no matter how it turns out, it gets better.
I’ll talk about my personal experience first. After I realised I was trans, I came out to a close trans friend. We both started medically transitioning around that time, and soon after came out to the rest of my close friends as well. I was lucky in that these friends were already very queer and trans, so they were supportive. I definitely lost some friends outside that group though. Last Christmas, I came out to my parents in an … inelegant… way. I was panicking, they already knew anyway (I was bad at hiding it), but it turned out okay. It took some adjustment, but they’re accepting and I can’t take that for granted. My crazy uncle disapproves, which I couldn’t care less about. Just recently I finally went through the process of changing my name and gender legally, which was a headache but was still nice.
As for my advice, the first thing I’ll say is that I cannot stress enough how much having a real ally or, even better, someone in the community to support you through your transition will help your mental health. You’re probably going to quickly start experiencing creepy (because you’re femme) and abusive men (because you’re trans), however rarely. Someone who intimately understands what you’re going through will help you work through that. For finding and forming community, I would be surprised if your university didn’t have a trans group or something. Like, you’re doing computer science, you’ll already have tonnes in common with the women there.
The rest, is largely up to you. Experiment with your gender in “safe” ways if you aren’t completely sure in your identity yet. That could involve dressing in women’s clothes (keep in mind a lot might fit a bit weird right now), or by asking friends to experiment with different names and pronouns. I also found reading a great way to learn things about myself, some books I would recommend are Nevada by Imogen Binnie and A Safe Girl to Love by Casey Plett. They let you explore a variety of trans experiences and choices without having gone through them yourself. I also highly recommend watching The People’s Joker too, but that’s just because it’s a really good and funny trans movie.
If you don’t want to medically transition, that’s totally fine (and anyone who says otherwise in this community will be banned). Otherwise, I cannot recommend at least HRT enough, especially if a significant source of your dysphoria is your body. It can do magic, particularly if you’re young. I would suggest taking a look at this article on TransHub (which is a generally trusted source on trans stuff) for information about what to expect. It can help manage your dysphoria if you’re not yet ready to come out socially, as I wasn’t. Even after you’ve started HRT, you should be able to hide most of the visual changes effectively for at least a year or two. It is a great way to do something about your transition while you’re building up your confidence to come out.
When it comes to coming out, i.e social transition, remember that no one is “owed” you coming out. When you are ready to come out, make sure you can do so safely. If you rely on your family for shelter or financial support, ensure you have contingency plans for housing or financial stability in case things go poorly (like find a friend who would be willing to host you for a while). Similar situation for work, while I’m pretty sure in the US it’s technically illegal to discriminate against someone for being trans, that doesn’t mean they won’t. Try and gather the temperature of the room before making any decisions, and have a resume and linkedin profile ready in case things go poorly. Be prepared emotionally for the possibility that you may lose friends or family you care about. Remember above all that you deserve respect, and that you deserve to live authentically. If someone rejects you, or “accepts” you but undermine your identity, don’t adjust your presentation and identity just for their comfort.
That ends my advice for the medical and social stuff, so let me just give you some practical advice:
- Find a trans specializing doctor, the trans health project maintains a list for the US. WPATH also maintains a directory.
- Invest in and get good at shaving. I would highly recommend learning to shave with a safety razor, with the caveat that you should avoid them if you think having the razors around could enable self harm. Nothing else will get as close a shave, and safety razors are dirt cheap ($30 - $80 for the handle, $20 - $30 for a 100 pack of blades). Having a good quality electric razor around is also very useful for a quick touch up, especially if you keep a lipstick style one in your car or bag.
- The page transfemme.style has some good advice on fashion
- Buy a sports bra if you start medically transitioning. You’ll need to start wearing it before you think, and they’ll fit most bodies pretty well. Get one with padding so you get some bigger boobs.
- At some point, graduate to a real bra. Get professionally fitted! I gained more cup sizes in that fitting than in three years of transitioning lol.
- If you feel dysphoric about shoulders in women’s clothing, try tank tops. I fucking love tank tops.
- More generally for tops, a round or scoop neck piece of clothing will be most flattering. I don’t like boat necks. Get something that fits properly, don’t go too tight, even if it makes your boobs look great.
Man, I’m not even trans but I feel the care and expertise in your comment and just want to thank you for your time and effort in creating such a nice and welcoming community. Cheers ✨❤️
Thank you, I try 🩷
I want to second the suggestion to try HRT (particularly injections, and if you’re afraid of needles like me, look into subcutaneous injections with small needles).
I socially transitioned three months before starting HRT and despite living full-time as a woman and doing every gender-affirming thing I could (makeup, wearing women’s clothes, changing my name and pronouns, etc.) nothing really improved my mental health or dysphoria like estrogen.
Not everyone has the same experiences, but some of us experience “biochemical dysphoria” where having the wrong sex hormones in our body makes us feel worse mentally. I had no idea how bad my anxiety, depression, etc. was until estrogen made me feel better.
Also, starting estrogen is no big deal and you can be on estrogen with no long-term effects up to three months, and that gives you lots of time for the hormones to give you diagnostic information if you are wondering if you are trans still.
A lot of people seem to approach HRT as an extreme step, something to defer until they are more certain, but I think it should one of the first things people try because it can be really clarifying and can really improve mental health in a way that makes it easier to handle daily life and the challenges social transition can present. Estrogen first, everything else can come later.
Yup, biochemical dysphoria is real. Estrogen just about killed me. Always had two weeks out of every month where I’d get crazy depressed for no discernable reason. I then took estrogen a while ago to stop mensuration while T did its magic and I initially had a terrible reaction to it. Made me extremely and irrationally depressed, gave me migraines, felt like shit all the time. Since being on T and getting off that E I haven’t expierenced anything like that.
That’s so wild!! Injecting estrogen makes me feel high, especially when I first started I could lay down a couple hours after injecting and just bask in the feeling of it, a kind of mild, full-body euphoria.
What you’re describing E does to you is about how I feel on T, I get depressed and lose all motivation, nothing is as enjoyable anymore (even things that are otherwise usually enjoyable like food, entertainment, etc.) and the world seems kinda flat, and my anxiety increases significantly.
TW: suicidal ideation, it wasn’t until I started injecting estrogen that I realized that since I was maybe 13 I had experienced at least passive suicidal ideation, and that for the first time since then I started to feel what I call “irrationally happy” and I actually wish to be alive despite nothing changing to make me feel that way. The even passive, background, default wish to be dead dissipated. It feels like nothing short of miraculous for me, and even nearly a year later I still can hardly believe it - I constantly wonder if it’s just placebo.
I don’t get migraines from T, but I do get these mild pressure headaches when I inject too much estrogen almost like a sinus infection can feel, so that’s interesting. I wonder if you are more sensitive to that effect of estrogen?
Anyway - so glad you got on T and it cleared up. These are the sorts of experiences that can make me feel l bit like an HRT evangelist.
E specifically is linked to migraines, not T. Definitely think my body is more sensitive to it than average.
I feel ya, I used to be passively suicidal as well. I dreaded every aspect of the future because each passing day meant that my body would continue to develop in the incorrect alignment with my brain. Now the future feels much more manageable even though things are far from perfect. Each passing day means that my body gets closer and closer to being my own and that’s really helped me.
Thank you so much for this comment!! I really appreciate it ❤️
Kinda had the same situation here (I will even be graduating with a CS bachelor’s soon as well), although I had my realization in highschool. My family tends to be more progressive like yours and I spent a few months experimenting with my gender. One day my mom noticed that I had shaved my legs and long story short, she basically forced me to come out. Initially she “accepted” me and she used the proper name and pronouns with me but she was convinced that it was just a phase. Over the years she has realized that it’s not a phase and she has become a lot more accepting over time. Some of my family members took a bit to come around as well and others immediately accepted me.
Considering you have a progressive family, I imagine things will probably turn out alright. Since I came out during covid I stayed inside pretty much the entire time I didn’t really start to transition until afterwards, since my family called me she/her I was pretty content with that at the time (I tend to feel more dysphoric in public than at home).
Anyways, the most important thing is that you are happy. Do things in your transition because they make you happy and not because of pressure from others. There is not one way to transition and you can do or not do whatever parts you want.
Thank you so much for this comment! This might just be dependent on my individual family, but do you think there’s anything I can do to emphasize that I’m being serious and it isn’t a phase or anything? Or will it just be a matter of it happening over time?
For me, the primary issue with my mom thinking it was a phase was that I was dependent on her to get HRT since I was a minor at the time. If you are fully financially independent from your parents then that probably won’t be an issue for you, but if you aren’t I think it’s mostly just a time thing, as it might take them a while to process everything.
My mom had a phase where she was basically grieving the old me like I had died and it took her a few months to realize that I’m still the same person and I’m just being my true self now. Even after that though, it took her a bit over 2 years before she became okay with me taking HRT. I think she was stuck in the denial and bargaining stages of grief for most of that. It’s possible you experience something similar where it takes them a few years to fully come around, but it’s also possible that they just instantly accept you (which some of my family did).
I think doing something bold to prove you’re serious, like changing your name legally shortly before or after you come out, wouldn’t really work. If they aren’t fully accepting immediately I think they really just need time to process and that might be too much at once for them.
I think Emily about covered it. The only thing I would add is read Who’s Afraid of Gender? People will doubt and be skeptical, some of them will be well meaning about it and some of them won’t be. Either way it’s a very accessible book, written by one of the leading gender theorist’s in the world.
And it’s full of critiques of alot of the skeptical bullshit that we encounter about ourselves.
