Hello, new here… serious advice needed
So my sister is a textbook narcissist. I don’t know when we (the family) realized it. But at some point it became abundantly clear.
Not to get into too many details, I’ll get into this specific situation I need advice on.
She was living with my mom, after a breakup, with her 4 children. She found a new man, and moved in with him. On the way out she got into a fight with my mom’s husband, our stepdad of two decades.
She blamed my mother for the fight. She kept her kids from my mother and the entire family for over a year while this guy and her lived together.
Now, finally, they broke up. As I knew would happen, she immediately reached out to my mom as if nothing happened and started asking her to babysit. Because she needed someone, all that didn’t matter. No apologies, no nothing.
Now she’s involved in DCFS etc but that’s another story.
For example tonight, she’s asking her to watch them while she goes and hangs out with some dude.
My mom thinks that just giving in and doing whatever she wants is best because it means she gets to see the kids.
I hate the idea of her not standing her ground though I understand her feelings.
Is there a way to genuinely get some upper ground here on my mother’s end? Should she take a stand and try to force some humility now, while she has something my narcissist sister needs? (Childcare)
Or should she just keep bending over backwards at the drop of a dime every time she calls needing a sitter?
Please help. I’m at my wits end here.
General consensus from both your comments taken with grains of salt etc is that my mom is doing the right thing and that’s all there is to be done. Narcissism is an insanely complicated thing especially in your own family. 😩
Getting away from a narcissistic ex is one thing, at least you can get away.
Is this putting any undue stress or problems on your mother?
Not to excuse your sister’s behavior, but my experience with narcissists is that you can’t teach them to be better or “fix” them unless they want that, and that’s rare. Which usually means an you can do is make the best out of what you get.
Sometimes this means cutting them off completely, but when there’s kids involved like that, if that’s the way to get to see them, that’s all you can do. Just make sure you (or your mother) have your own clear boundaries and stick to them when things get out of hand, as they often progress to eventually.
Thanks for the advice Seems pretty hopeless.
Setting clear boundaries in these situations can be crucial. Like actively/preemptively deciding what behaviors are acceptable, and consistently enforcing those limits. It’s also important to keep in mind that your sister’s behaviors may often stem from insecurity; not that it should excuse her actions, but understanding that NPD can act as a defense mechanism for low self-worth might aid in managing interactions with her more effectively. As you know, dealing with a narcissist can be quite exhausting, so be sure to prioritize your own mental health- empty cups, etc. But ofc, keep the children’s well-being in mind- maintaining your own self respect and dignity is important but, at the end of the day, there are kids involved. Best of luck to your family- I hope things work out as best they can for everyone involved!