Well my hrt euphoria ran out and reality sank in. Made me depressed for a while again.

So I made a plan. Wrote down everything that’s bothering me. It’s two screens long. I’ll break each one up and make them actionable. Took a good look at it and had to decide whether it was worth it or not.

So today I had a pretty nice day. It’s a long road ahead. Wish me luck.

My plans all fell through and I stood out in the cold waiting for buses kindof a lot. Dunno where I’ll be in a week. Can’t stay here, can’t get anything done a week at a time. Apparently it’s still a good thing to manage (what should be, if the buses are on time and the Goog-hole doesn’t lie to me!) a twenty-minute food trip but also I’m supposed to figure out housing, health care, phone service (oh by the way, biofam cut off my phone’s Internet access whilst I was out. Could easily have left me lost in an unfamiliar area!), income… just everything all at once, this week! Okay, maybe another week! … And another week! But it’s still a week or two so what do I do? Pretty sure I do have agoraphobia enough to qualify for disability stuffs but that’ll take a week or just to get the people I was told to talk to about that to even get back to me. Looks like SSI will likely take months to show up… if I can prove I’m disabled enough to get it. So what do I do, hope for a roommate for like one month, and hope that’s enough to just magically ‘get my shit together’ and get my life sorted for at least a few months?

And of course I’m more screwed-up than anyone understands. Was hoping I could get some kinda disability thing that’d get me into a place with people who help autistic and/or mentally ill critters (pretty sure I’m both), but without getting past all’ my problems (both the mental ones and the whole “I have nowhere to stay next month” sort of crap) I can’t get to any kind of help. Kinda doesn’t help to have six million different programs and resources and organizations all offering help they don’t have left to give when making one phone call is still about all I can manage in a day. The meds (which aren’t really even for mental issues) help a lot but they don’t solve the problems, they just cover them up a bit. Still need several kinds of real help but they’re all totally beyond me. [Sarcasm] Fun. Idunno how this place (especially this state where there’s sooo much help to be had (yeah sure, if only)) is so fucked, how I’m seriously supposed to get anywhere, especially when there are so many others who also can’t. Kinda getting angry at the “you can do it” and “advocate for yourself” stuff. Like, I can’t even find a way forward over here but I’ll just 🪄 ✨ 🏠 💰 :doctor_emoji: and be okay next week! Or next month! Or ever! Something’s gotta give and I don’t see how it can possibly be anything I can get for myself without a lot more time to manage it and probably some actual guidance or someone actually, and I’m not sure how to explain this, with me.

[Mostly rant] Did I mention I can’t even keep up with buses on my phone ‘cause my Internet connection through it got cut off? I could get a TextNow SIM or something like that and just let them spy on everything I say or do, but I need an address and time to actually get the thing. Every single thing is blocked by at least one other thing, that’s blocked by other stuff, some of which are blocked by the original thing that needed fixing to begin with. What the hell. Life in this country is very much not for living or else it’d be a bit more practical, no? Maybe somecritter from somewhere better will marry me into that place 🤣 Likely. But really, how the hell is anyone supposed to do this? Need an apartment? Have income, sign up for a year! Need income? Sure, here’s a job you can apply for, where are you living? Oh. What’s your phone number? Oh. Which bus comes here from anywhere else you need to go? Oh. When’s it come by? Oh. Maybe you can apply for “benefits!” Just call- oh. Or go to- oh. Well, even if you do you’ll be waiting around for ages anyway. Good fuckin’ luck, buddy. rantrantrant, fruss, yammer, et cetera

Anyway, I still need saving. Current options are death and Duluth, and that’s assuming the critters in Duluth were even serious. frusses irritably

I constantly question if I applied the HRT patch correctly (even though multiple people assured me that it’s correct) because I’m in that weird spot where it’s just too early to tell if it’s doing anything or not.

It was pretty good! Started a workout routine with my mom, and that was fun. I also had to do a 4:00am hike to do some sunrise filming for work, which was both beautiful and exhausting haha.

My E got raised to 0.4ml injections so I am hoping that speeds some changes along a little more. I do find myself catching myself in the mirror and just being so pleased with the direction things are going, so that’s been nice!

I think I’ve been doing gel wrong for several weeks now (I’ve been noticing a drop off in effect), but I’m going to try out some tips I found after scrounging around to see if I can’t get my e up. Apparently hot showers before applying and then lotion an hour after helps absorption. Also switching application sites.

Life is starting to get busy again for me, just this time I do all of it voluntary, it so much better than any other time I had this much on my plate

And I found out this is a good place for somesort of Diary for me

I continue to “be”. Watched Hazbin Hotel and have a song stuck in my head (great show, definitely worthy of some TW’s though). Song makes me weirdly happy and is very catchy https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=9sVoglgJjRg

Mildly reassured that I’m not a complete idiot at work, so that’s nice I guess?