My gender is “not man.” The title “man” feels like an ill-fitting jacket on me, heavy and burdensome. I describe it, in specific terms, as genderflux demigirl; I only ever feel varying degrees of “girl,” ranging from not girl to all girl, but never any amount of man; agender to girl. I don’t want to be manly and I don’t want to be put in the same category as men. In simple terms, I tell people that I’m genderfluid with they/them pronouns because I find they/them acceptable for all presentations, even if I would prefer she/her.

I don’t have any issues with men, it’s just not me. I’m still pre-HRT and I haven’t built up the courage to try to present femme. The farthest I’ve strayed is GNC. Regardless, I want people to see and treat me as a girl. I share the sentiment that some of the traits I want and exhibit aren’t necessarily gendered, but they’re part of what makes up my gender.

I want to be vulnerable, emotional, graceful, and unintimidating. I have a large sense of empathy, but my emotions are locked. I’m wearing a mask unless I’m significantly inebriated and I hate it. I hate that I’m big, strong, and clumsy. I hate that I feel like I have to avoid strangers and give them breadth on the street because my presence might make them feel uncomfortable. I hate that I feel anxious and pent up all the time.

I want people to see me for who I feel that I am When people look at me, I want them to think: cute, adorable, soft, dainty. I don’t want the weight, the baggage, and the assumptions that come with “man” because the truth is that I’m not strong, brave, powerful, or confident and I don’t necessarily want to exhibit or exude these qualities. As it stands, people assume that I have these qualities because they sort me with men. I am not man. I am me. Hell, I don’t even think I’m woman, but I am girl. I want to look girl. I want to feel girl. To some extent, I already behave like a girl. I want people to see girl.