Hi all! I’m a trans woman who’s known since I was a kid. My classmates brought up the topic of being trans once in class, and I remember mentioning my desire to “maybe become a woman when I grow up”, as I put it. I can’t remember the reaction clearly, but I must’ve been pretty put off since I didn’t attempt to talk about it for quite a while after.
Fast forward to me being about 14. I get a deep episode of dysphoria and instead of hiding away like I usually would, I go to my mother, entirely pale in the face. We talk a bit in private and the only thing I can get out of my mouth is that I don’t feel like a boy. She takes it as me not feeling like I live up to the gender norms and tries to solve that. Meanwhile I can’t keep talking. My brain stops producing words at all and I just can’t say anything.
This happens a lot of times over the years every time my mother asks me to buy new clothes for myself, every time the same complete shutdown. I really just want to continue working this out, and I’m in desperate need of new clothes, since I haven’t bought any in years. I hate buying men’s clothes, but if I continue boy-moding when I go back home, I’d have to buy new ones.
Thank you for reading this, whoever you are. I’m running on practically no sleep so I apologize if this is wordy, or unclear in any way. I just need to be done with this.
Sorry if this is a dumb suggestion, but have you considered writing out what you want to say on a note and handing it to them? Coming out is hard, mine involved me blurting at my mother, flashing her, and running off. I guess I’m saying it doesn’t have to be perfect, as long as you do it when you feel ready.
I’ve never flashed my mum, however I think I have a similarly silly story. My coming out to her was quite hard and we didn’t speak for a few years, that context is important because she didn’t see the changes until after they had all happened.
Anyway, fast forward to the second time seeing her again in person. I went out for dinner with her back in my hometown, and brought my girlfriend along. We were back at my mum’s having some drinks out on the back deck, and I excused myself to the spare bedroom because I desperately needed to take my bra off, which had heavy underwire. Now, my mum is particularly well endowed, and while I pale in comparison I’m still fairly big for a trans femme (DD/E cup). I needed to go to the toilet but I stopped back past the deck, waggled my tits in her direction and said “I guess I have you to blame for these two back problems” and walked off back inside.
Apparently my girlfriend and step-dad were laughing their heads off while my mum turned beet red 😂
I don’t live with them since last fall, but I go back on occasion. Getting the space to just exist in my own home has given me room to start validating my own identity as trans. I have thought about it, and I’ll probably start writing up something tomorrow to send to them. I feel like I have a lot of mental inertia, which I have to overcome. I’ve hid this for 11 years, if not longer, with occasional blips of just not being able to do it and not feeling understood as a result. Overcoming this inertia by re-engaging with it has been hard, because I get really anxious every time I have to confront it, but doing breathing exercises, listening to trans-affirming ASMR, and meditating feels like it’s helping.