Hi, I’m Jasmine.
This post is a bit of a vent, but I also genuinely need help and comfort. I hope this is appropriate to talk about here and that I don’t ruin the vibe of this community too much.
I’m tired with myself repressing my gender. I’m tired with me telling myself maybe I can live happily as a boy, maybe I can convince myself, or maybe this is all fake somehow. I feel like I’m not meant to be a girl, that I am meant to be a boy, and that I shouldn’t transition because it’s against my cultures. And my internalized transphobia sometimes made me think like a bigot when given the chance.
I’ve done my best to avoid lashing my internalized transphobia to anyone, even online, and I’ll continue to do my best. I’ll continue to do my best to support trans people, but ironically it’s hard for me to support myself.
I know this all sounds so negative, but it’s been eating away at my mental health. I need help.
I just wanted someone to reassure me that it’s okay for me to transition and that there is nothing wrong with being transgender. I would also greatly appreciate sites and resources for trans people to reassure me that it’s okay to be trans.
Hi Jasmine, I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling with accepting yourself and deconstructing your own internalized transphobia. Youre not alone, and many trans women struggle with accepting being transgender and with self directed transphobia. It’s completely okay for you to be a girl, and there’s nothing wrong with being a trans one. You deserve a happy life surrounded by compassionate loved ones who appreciate you for who you are. Hiding who you are and trying to be someone you’re not isn’t fair to you.
I think honestly right now its so important for you to explore your own identity, your own gender. Try to internalize a concept of yourself that is distinct from other people, separated from any pressures imposed on you by the society you exist within and those around you. You are the person who has to be you for the rest of your life, nobody else has to wake up and be you every day. No one else should have a say in how you find happiness and who you truly are. Talk with people who support you, even if it’s only online right now. Introspect, ask yourself questions you’ve always shied away from. Do things you’ve always stopped yourself from doing, think about things your gut tells you not to. It might seem like that wouldn’t help with deconstructing your transphobia, but you need to stop seeing your trans identity as being lesser. And to do that you have to build confidence in your identity.
I always shied away from anything trans because I thought so many cultures are opposed to us. But you’re right, in a vacuum, I would me more than happy to be a girl, at least a part of me (we’re a bit plural). I think I should not stop dreaming to be a girl one day.
I feel that it’s wrong to go against everyone, so selfish. Then again, there’s a reason that defying what your culture say is a common trope in movies. Think of Moana, Cinderella, Romeo and Juliet, or even Aladdin.