Hey everyone, first time posting. Hoping there are others with similar
experiences who can share insight, but at minimum I want to put my thoughts
down. I [29MtF] am pre-everything, but have accepted I am trans for the last 4
years with the understanding I would never transition. Continuing to live as a
man in spite of myself seemed realistic. My dysphoria was never really that bad,
so even though the idea of being a woman was amazing, I could always push it
aside easily and continue with my life. Sure, I would have bad days where
dysphoria would get me down, thinking things like: “Why can’t I look like her?
Why does it have to be such a big deal if I want to transition? Why would so
many people hate me for being who I want to be?” But as always, these times
would come and go. I could grin and bear it, pressing on to another day. My wife
of 6 years is fantastic. I love her more than the day we were married, and we
have a child on the way. In the past, I have been open with her about my general
preference towards femininity. While she accepts this and loves me for it, I
have never properly told her I think of myself as transgender. She and I both
come from a background where being trans is considered wrong, and I know she
still thinks that even though we are both supporting and accepting of our LGBTQ+
friends. In the last year, one of my closest childhood friends told me he was
gay. He and I regularly get drinks together, and mostly tell each other
everything. When he came out to me, I told him I was trans. We have both been
able to support each other, mostly as confidants while he deals with backlash
from his family. I wish I could tell my wife as easily as I told my friend, but
obviously that has more potential consequences. The more time passes with me
accepting who I am inside, the more natural it becomes to think of myself that
way. This unfortunately has made dysphoria a more frequent and intense
experience. Additionally, there have been a handful of incredibly euphoric
experiences I have had in the last year. My wife and I cosplayed a lesbian
couple at a con this summer, which was the first time I dressed femme in public.
Also, with my wife’s pregnancy, I have been wearing some of her maternity
clothes (shorts, sweatpants) around the house since those fit me surprisingly
well. (Also justice for all of my hoodies she has claimed over the years) I know
for certain that transitioning would sever ties with almost all of my family and
friends. Further, my wife would have a difficult time deciding what our future
together would look like, assuming it continued at all. Despite her open
mindedness, our shared religious beliefs would ultimately inform the outcome. I
wish it wasn’t so hard to keep pretending. I’m just so tired.
Link to my first post. When we were sharing our new year’s resolutions with each other earlier this month, I told her I want to he more true to myself, and more honest with her. I told her she deserves that, and that I love her.
We have talked about having “a conversation” soon. For us, we understand this to mean at least 2-3 hours where we sit down intending to talk without being interrupted. Time has continued to get away from us as we are settling into being parents as well with a 2 month old.
We have each made mentions of, “the conversation”, and how we haven’t forgotten, just haven’t had the right moment yet.
Girls, I am just so proud of myself for taking this step. Even though nothing has really happened yet, it feels like more has happened in the last month than in my entire life.
Here is a reply I made to Alteon which I think adds helpful context. I do think some of their concerns had validity, even though I don’t believe they applied to my situation. Also, thank you for moderating this community!
"Thanks for sharing your perspective. I read through your other comments as well. Thankfully, my wife is in a very solid place at the moment. I was able to take the first 2 months off work to help raise our child, and we made sure to make financial arrangements where she could take extended time off work before returning to her career. We haven’t had any sort of “Mac and Cheese” moments like you mentioned. A big part of why I haven’t already told her anything is because I wanted to be sure she felt secure and comfortable when we had this conversation.
Another thing I’d like to add is that having a child was a very difficult decision for me. Obviously it’s a big deal for both of us, but she actually wanted a child. When she and I were dating, we agreed not to have children. About a year into our marriage, she changed her mind. We talked about it for years, and eventually we agreed to be a one-and-done family. I wanted her to be happy; I didn’t want to deprive her of a child. Furthermore, I realised I would rather have her in my life with a child, than no child without her. She never gave me such an ultimatum, but I never wanted to get close to something like that. I certainly don’t think I have “saddled” her in the way that word implies.
About this conversation we are planning to have. I do expect it to go well. I am not certain, but I expect it to. Part of the reason is I am not sitting her down to say, “this is how things are, deal with it.” Like the rest of our relationship, we will have an open dialogue about what works best for us. I have made many sacrifices for her over the years, and I will happily make many more. She has done and will continue to do the same for me, even if it doesn’t necessarily look the way I would hope it to. That is the nature of compromise.
If all that comes from this is that she knows about my dysphoria and the daily struggle it is for me so that I can confide in her about it, that’s okay. Even better if she is fully supportive, but I want to continue having a relationship where we share our strengths and weaknesses with each other. This is the one piece of me that hasn’t been shared.
If this makes me sound like an asshole, then I don’t know what to say. Hope you continue having a nice day."
Alteons reply to you showed their true colours though. They weren’t here to change their perspective. They were here to tell you off for being trans in a way they don’t agree with.
You’re a really cool person, Kayday. I’m glad you have such an open and caring relationship with your wife. Wishing you the best, I’m sure your talk will go great!
I’ve just banned a few accounts that were spouting transphobia in this thread.
Here is a reply I made to Alteon which I think adds helpful context. I do think some of their concerns had validity, even though I don’t believe they applied to my situation. Also, thank you for moderating this community!
"Thanks for sharing your perspective. I read through your other comments as well. Thankfully, my wife is in a very solid place at the moment. I was able to take the first 2 months off work to help raise our child, and we made sure to make financial arrangements where she could take extended time off work before returning to her career. We haven’t had any sort of “Mac and Cheese” moments like you mentioned. A big part of why I haven’t already told her anything is because I wanted to be sure she felt secure and comfortable when we had this conversation.
Another thing I’d like to add is that having a child was a very difficult decision for me. Obviously it’s a big deal for both of us, but she actually wanted a child. When she and I were dating, we agreed not to have children. About a year into our marriage, she changed her mind. We talked about it for years, and eventually we agreed to be a one-and-done family. I wanted her to be happy; I didn’t want to deprive her of a child. Furthermore, I realised I would rather have her in my life with a child, than no child without her. She never gave me such an ultimatum, but I never wanted to get close to something like that. I certainly don’t think I have “saddled” her in the way that word implies.
About this conversation we are planning to have. I do expect it to go well. I am not certain, but I expect it to. Part of the reason is I am not sitting her down to say, “this is how things are, deal with it.” Like the rest of our relationship, we will have an open dialogue about what works best for us. I have made many sacrifices for her over the years, and I will happily make many more. She has done and will continue to do the same for me, even if it doesn’t necessarily look the way I would hope it to. That is the nature of compromise.
If all that comes from this is that she knows about my dysphoria and the daily struggle it is for me so that I can confide in her about it, that’s okay. Even better if she is fully supportive, but I want to continue having a relationship where we share our strengths and weaknesses with each other. This is the one piece of me that hasn’t been shared.
If this makes me sound like an asshole, then I don’t know what to say. Hope you continue having a nice day."
Alteons reply to you showed their true colours though. They weren’t here to change their perspective. They were here to tell you off for being trans in a way they don’t agree with.
This is a much better reply than that person deserved.
You’re clearly in a very communicative relationship and regardless of what happens, I feel it’s going to go well.
You’re a really cool person, Kayday. I’m glad you have such an open and caring relationship with your wife. Wishing you the best, I’m sure your talk will go great!
Thank you Ada