First off, I’m fine, I’m in a good place, safe, etc. This is just kinda stream of consciousness, so sorry in advance.
I’ve lived my life a long time with a sense of fatalism that bordered suicidal, and I’ve lived a crazy life. Got kicked out young, was into crypto in the early 2010’s but didn’t have enough capital to do anything interesting, couch surfed, homeless shelters, all kinds of stuff. People would ask me if I had any regrets and I legitimately never did.
Now, I have lots of regrets…
I regret being stagnant basically since puberty, living like some Punk Rock Peter Pan, drinking every day for decades, doing nothing but playing video games and smoking weed and blasting myself into some other life any way I could. I existed like an astral projection of myself, too apathetic to brush my teeth or do anything productive with my body. Workout goals never resonated with me, so I never did that either.
I have the general regret I didn’t come out to myself sooner, but I find that wholly unproductive, so I don’t entertain it, but these other regrets, they are making the tapestry of the game plan to get myself back on track and i don’t have the luxury to ignore it.
I’m making great progress, counting my calorie intake, being active, practicing mindfulness, but the more I do and feel better about myself, the more that regret nags at me.
It Just kinda dawned on me while I was sitting here, I’m actually afraid to die now, made me think about what else had changed when I realized I regret so much now, and it didn’t make me who I was anymore than the trauma or anything else, and now I feel brain fucked.
I dunno what the call to action is here, any of y’all relate or have anything to say?
I relate! I tried to come out at 16. 26 now! 🤠
This is called Existential Dysphoria and it’s kind of a bitch, yeah.
We lived life more carelessly because of how it felt to be in the wrong body. Me personally, it was boring. I just played video games 24/7 in my parents attic. Yep, feel like… Shit, life matters now. And the plus side is I can think more strategically. I’m learning all these new skills not just about how to be female, but how to think of myself as a strong young woman and set my life up to put myself in a good position. I have to be careful, I can’t just give up on things and people, or myself.
Some people experience that they don’t like to look back on their past and think about it in this new context. I do, personally. My Mom told me the sweetest thing. That she wanted a daughter and a son, and she got both. And she was nervous about having a little girl rather than a little boy, because little boys are rambunctious and girls often play with dolls. And now I have those experiences of being rambunctious and being the physically strongest person in the room, and the creativite perspective on life, born out of the desperation you described. I think that you will reckon with these realizations and land on your feet too. Keep that up, taking care of yourself will shake out some more of these icky feelings, but mindfulness provides the frame of mind to notice them and work with them.