Have you ever stepped on someone’s foot? It happens. They might get angry, it’s understandable. Just an accident, not your intention, but your fault nonetheless. Keep this in mind.
I’ll be using transphobia in this conversation, because I’m here and the discussion that moved me to write, but I learned the concepts from talks about racism and it applies to many similar situations.
What I am doesn’t matter right now. It’s not about about me, right? I’ll open up the most targetable part of myself though: my inner thoughts. Particularly my musings about gender, which are relatively recent (I’m 39). Nothing specific, just the possibility that they might be transphobic.
That idea was something I feared and worried about a lot. In open discussions, I’m always careful with my words, but I had private doubts for a long time that seemed ugly, plain and simple. Was I transphobic in the past? Most likely. Am I still transphobic on some level? I don’t know. I don’t want to be, and that’s the point.
We are all living our lives the only way we know how to. Sometimes accidents happen, people get hurt, we make things right. Sometimes the way we live our lives mean that we are stepping on people by design. It might still not be our intention, it is still our fault and the fact it’s not an accident anymore will mess with our minds when we realize that.
So, again, I don’t want to be transphobic. That’s not what I believe or how I live my life. Again, my intentions don’t matter if what I do hurt or endanger others in any way. I believe I can only say I’m not transphobic if I do the work not to be. If I accept my thoughts, words and actions can be transphobic, and that they are mistakes to be corrected. Being transphobic is about how I can negatively affect trans people, regardless of how I see myself or believe I’m doing the right thing. It’s about them, not me.
I ask that you look at the other person or group when you are in an argument, or just out in the world. See how your actions affect them. See if you care enough to do something about it. And, if you find out you don’t want to change, try accepting who you are, accepting any disgust you might feel without reinterpreting yours or other people’s reality.
edit: It was a mistake going with figurative language here in an discussion that intended to be inclusive. I know better. Also, I wanted people to see that the subject of the action is not always the important part. When there are victims, their point of view should be the one validated first, they should the ones we make sure are all right before we decide to seek punishment. And I don’t know if this will help, but the imperfect parallel with racism that came to mind was societal racism.
Most people with good intentions do something wrong at some point.
It is inevitable that people hurt people even if they never intended to.
Intent makes you transphobic. Just treat trans people like normal people. Especially apply the same boundaries. It is simple, no reason to overthink it.
What I wanted to express is the separation that exists between what a persons is and their actions. People find it hard to accept that there’s bigotry in their actions if there’s no bigotry in their hearts, and that it doesn’t matter to the people that suffer.
There is one thing though. Trans people are not all the same and have different ideas. I don’t agree with every person I have talked to and they can seemingly be as much of a bigot as any other person.
No matter what you try or do that’s an unsolvable problem as it has nothing to do with being trans in particular. There is no single truth free from bigotry.
As I said don’t overthink it. Just treat any trans person with the same dignity and respect as any other person. Really, that’s already the best you can do and all most trans people are asking for.
I thought using a specific example would be better than using X, but I’m not so sure anymore.
Think about internalized transphobia. Internalized anything actually. It doesn’t matter who you are. Being a trans person won’t make one immune. For some people, in some cases, simply making they aware of their behavior is enough to bring a change, although it’s potentially something really ingrained.
You can be genuinely nice and be a bigot, that’s why I would say treating with the same respect and dignity is not always enough. The sameness is the issue. You in particular might adapt to everyone, but, in my experience, people are much more literal.